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AIBU?

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Original poster

What sanction is appropriate?

187 replies

Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:20

GCSE results day tomorrow.

Son#2 is fast asleep and I've just gone in (his door was banging in the wind) and found a vape in his hand, on his chest.

This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. Having weak lungs (never smoked), it's a BIG no no for me. He knows this.

I smell it most nights. He swears blind it's his diffuser/fruit flavoured drink on his breath.

Lies, lies, lies. Again and again and again. Explains his foul mood on holiday.

Previously, I've lost my @#£&. I've turned his room upside down. I've thrown out anything I've found. I've talked, explained, pleaded.

So tomorrow he will wake to no vape knowing I've found it.

What do I do? It's results day. I don't want tomorrow to be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

So do I ignore it, to take him out for food, let him go to his party with his mates then ground him? Stop his money? Take his bike (freedom and independence)?

Aibu to ignore it for the day (the unsaid will be as bad as he knows how strongly I feel) and really go to town on the sanctions on Friday? Is tomorrow just ruined anyway? What an idiot.

He will be lost without his bike/mates/GF.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:47

WaitingForMojo · 22/08/2024 01:38

Just don’t give him money to fund it and accept that he’s a young person who will make choices you’d rather he didn’t. Try to guide rather than control? Let him feel you on his side?

Yep. Money stops. He is not currently working. He will have no money.

OP posts:
SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 01:46

Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:41

Mojo and Common, thanks.

It's so hard when they know how important something is to you. I have a great open relationship with my teens. It's based on truth and not lies. I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra. I always want Comms to be open, to know that they and their mates can rely on me. Their mates are always welcome and we're clear with boundaries.

This vaping thing... It's my red line, for very personal reasons. They know this, yet he continues to vape and lie to my face about it. That's the worst bit.

You can't control another human being though.

Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:45

DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 22/08/2024 01:38

Controlling ans irrational to not want her teen doing something potentially dangerous? Confused

@Hughareyoulookingat I'd be tempted not to say anything yet. He'll know you know because the vape has gone.

Show quote history

TY

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:44

WaitingForMojo · 22/08/2024 01:36

Have ‘sanctions’ worked so far? What makes you think it’s going to stop him vaping? My ds is the same age and doesn’t vape but if he did, I’d prioritise my relationship with him first so that I (hopefully) have more influence and I’d go for ‘concerned and disappointed’ rather than nuclear. But not on results day. He needs your support tomorrow, and this is pretty trivial really in the grand scheme of things. Don’t overreact.

We don't really need to use sanctions as they're generally good, open and honest, responsible young people. This is where I'm tying myself in knots as I can't get through to him on this and I don't know what to do. He's obviously addicted and 'fitting in' is his priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:41

Mojo and Common, thanks.

It's so hard when they know how important something is to you. I have a great open relationship with my teens. It's based on truth and not lies. I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra. I always want Comms to be open, to know that they and their mates can rely on me. Their mates are always welcome and we're clear with boundaries.

This vaping thing... It's my red line, for very personal reasons. They know this, yet he continues to vape and lie to my face about it. That's the worst bit.

OP posts:
WaitingForMojo · 22/08/2024 01:38

Just don’t give him money to fund it and accept that he’s a young person who will make choices you’d rather he didn’t. Try to guide rather than control? Let him feel you on his side?

DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 22/08/2024 01:38

ClipTap · 22/08/2024 01:28

You just sound like a very controlling irrational person to me

Controlling ans irrational to not want her teen doing something potentially dangerous? Confused

@Hughareyoulookingat I'd be tempted not to say anything yet. He'll know you know because the vape has gone.

WaitingForMojo · 22/08/2024 01:36

Have ‘sanctions’ worked so far? What makes you think it’s going to stop him vaping? My ds is the same age and doesn’t vape but if he did, I’d prioritise my relationship with him first so that I (hopefully) have more influence and I’d go for ‘concerned and disappointed’ rather than nuclear. But not on results day. He needs your support tomorrow, and this is pretty trivial really in the grand scheme of things. Don’t overreact.

Original poster
Hughareyoulookingat · 22/08/2024 01:35

ClipTap · 22/08/2024 01:28

You just sound like a very controlling irrational person to me

Oh wow. Helpful.

OP posts:
ClipTap · 22/08/2024 01:29

Nothing is what you do tomorrow

ClipTap · 22/08/2024 01:28

You just sound like a very controlling irrational person to me

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 22/08/2024 01:26

I would be straight with him, tell him that you know he knows you know and you're furious but you'll discuss it further on Friday because tomorrow is a big day he'll get once. Set him a time to be sat with you on Friday for a cold and frank discussion. Sanction wise I think taking his bike is fair but consider is the alternative of him needing transport more dangerous? (accepting lifts, risking walking on dangerous roads etc).