What sanction is appropriate?

Poor son!

*I can deal with truth, even if I don't like it. They know this. It's our mantra. I always want Comms to be open, to know that they and their mates can rely on me. Their mates are always welcome and we're clear with boundaries8

You want the truth, but not the truth that he enjoys vapes?

You can’t keep the lines of communication open but ban things he enjoys.

Postage advice is you may need to seek professional help to learn how to manage situations

Rather than considering punishment perhaps consider that he is addicted?

I wouldn't say that they are mixed views.

I think the majority of people said that you can't control someone, and you need to calm down and guide him

Or a good mum worried about her child making poor decisions.

I do think sanctions are the wrong approach though. Be empathetic, approachable and talk it through with him with no anger.

Well, hes lying about it because he wants to vape and knows how you will react.

Sanctions are not working and will just make him rebel more.
I would say to him, you know how strongly I feel about vaping. I cant stop you but I don't want to know about it. If you must do it, please do not do it in my house or in front of me.

I’d stop the money and I’d raise that he might like to consider living elsewhere if he finds the house rules of no vaping too restrictive. He is old enough to choose to vape, he can fund it and he can do it elsewhere.

Quick chat this morning- “we will talk about the vaping on Friday as I don’t want to ruin your special day” then leave it until Friday.

Friday- adult conversation about vapes and vaping under your roof. If he is to continue to endanger his own body then he is to do it away from your property. You are very disappointed etc.
Not much you can do with a 16 year old other than that.

They pretty much all do it. It’s endemic sorry to break it to you.

We were going to go mad but had a night out with more experienced teen parents so changed our approach. Did a calm chat - we hate this it’s not what we do it’s bad for you.

Dd2 doesn’t vape now but sadly in her group she is seen as the odd for not doing. Dd1 has witnessed her sitting alone while the others go off to vape. So not vaping takes some effort in some social sets. Her out of school friends don’t.

what my mum did when she caught me smoking and it truly work, I’ve not had another cigarette since is She didn’t say a thing to me about it. She was just quiet and didn’t speak properly to me. The sense of disappointment etc, got to me more than any punishment. Although I do think you can state not in my house as that just a matter of respect.

I just think we all tried smoking as kids, didn't we? He is trying something as an increasingly independent 16yo. You can't treat him like a baby by sanctioning, but you can withdraw pocket money - my 16yo has a part time job, so earns his own. He is sensible, but I'm sure he's probably tried vaping. Vaping and smoking is also a big deal for me btw. You need a talk about how disappointed you are and reiterating the dangers.

This was my thought exactly. You'd think he was lying in bed with a needle hanging out of his arm.

It seems that many kids vape these days and losing your shit over it isn't going to make your son stop. Talk to him calmly and ask him why he's doing it.

He's obviously addicted to vaping, in the same way someone would be addicted to smoking. It's extremely difficult to give up.

You need to help him figure out a method of quitting. Getting nicotine replacement etc.

I don't agree he's scared about his addiction. He just likes it most likely. It's no different from banning a teen from using a smart phone. They're going to have withdrawal feelings and look for ways to get it. They won't be scared of their addiction they want it. Same with food.

You can give guidance without control

OP said that she has previously lost her shit and now want to impose "sanctions".

Controlling to that extent never works

I think you’re coming at this the wrong way, having been your son (but with cigarettes). I was addicted and had no concept of how to give up. And I didn’t want to, that took until
my late twenties. Once someone is addicted to nicotine, literally any shouting, sanctions are absolutely pointless. It will just cause discord and ruin any time you have together. He will constantly be trying to find secret time/space to vape. He will lie more. I know this seems hurtful and inexplicable to you because of your weak lungs, it will feel personal and like he doesn’t care. He does, he’s just 16 and he’s addicted to the most addictive substance on earth.

I would accept it’s done now, and that stopping is not going to be a case of just not vaping again, it’s going to take a concerted effort probably involving NRT, GP, and most importantly a huge amount of willpower and dedication, and only your son will be able to decide when that journey starts. He vapes, that’s it.

Try and think about what makes that bearable for you and how to keep him close. It’s a shame that your holiday was ruined because he was in nicotine withdrawal and probably trying to secretly buy a vape. That’s a family holiday that could have been lovely and a wonderful memory if he’d been allowed to vape. Not your fault but once someone needs to smoke or vape, you won’t see them much and the time you have with them they will be distracted and irritable, unless they’re allowed to vape or smoke.

I would designate him a space to vape in the garden. Ask him to wash his hands and freshen breath when he’s finished. If you go out for family meal let him pop out for a vape etc. Maybe grab some patches or nicotine gum for him for journeys/long visits with grandma etc. I think it’s fair not to give him money but if he wants to spend his own money on vaping that’s up to him.

He’s lied because he’s in denial honestly. It’s quite frightening to realise you’re addicted to something and admitting it makes it real. Also probably to protect your feelings and the inevitable teenage drive to avoid hassle. He probably thought he could keep everything quite separate and you didn’t need to know. That’s a normal process for a teen becoming a man.

Prioritise your relationship and accept he vapes. It will make it a lot easier later on when he decides to quit.

I'm old enough to have been on here when the posts were about finding teens with cigarettes as vapes weren't a thing.

Same advice, you can not control another person when they get to a certain age. You can guide and explain and stop funding it, but you can't stop it.

He lies to you about vaping because he knows how off the scale anti vaping you are

YOU need to calm down about it

Say nothing today

Tomorrow, sit down with him and talk about it quietly and calmly

Not in your 'we tell the truth in this family and we don't smoke or vape' fire eating dragon way

But as a loving caring mother who understands that every single person has choice and freedom and what YOU want isn't always going to be what your children want

Would it be better if your son told you the truth and didn't vape?

Yes

Is that going to happen?

No. Not within the environment which you've set up

100% this.

My mum used to go nuclear at me for everything she didn't approve of. It wasn't smoking but little things such as using a Walkman outside - she said I looked stupid with headphones on.

Edit - she used to take it away, take my tapes away, take my batteries away. I asked her to buy me a battery charger for my birthday or Christmas and she refused to stop me listening to music. So I had to spend my pocket money on batteries.

Result was I kept doing it and hated her in the process. I was a good kid otherwise. I wasn't a tearaway, did well at school, didn't stay out late etc but she gave me living hell for things that didnt affect her.

Take all his stuff away and his bike but he'll hate you and keep doing it. Your choice.

Agree with this.

Has he no privacy? He is 16 possibly nearly 17 not 6.

You are on a sure path to losing any communication with your son.

I can't believe you want to take away his bike/mates/girl friend/money- none of this is rational.

@SparklyJadeFawn he is still a child though? Needs guidance, support and boundaries… it’s not control. It is parenting.

OP I feel for you. My DS gets his results today too and that is a stress in itself let alone anything else. Honestly, I think I’d not say anything today unless he asks you where it is. However, tomorrow I think, I would be having a conversation along the lines of this is not ok, don’t lie and don’t vape in my house. Difficult to control what he does outside of the home but as you say if he has no money he can’t buy anything anyway! Good luck with everything.

All those saying just ban him from vaping in the house are ignoring the fact that he already knows that is the rule and is still vaping in the house.

It is a hard and fast line for the OP - no smoking / vaping in the house.

He is consistently breaking it. So yes, this does need consequences for the lying / breaking of trust as much as anything else.

You said you had personal reasons for this rule, I’m not asking for you to share on here, but have you shared these with your son? If he knows why this is so important to you might have an impact.

I wonder if those you are so cool with this would react if their kids started smoking cigarettes in their rooms # just shrug and say ‘that’s what teenagers do’?