What sanction is appropriate?

@MrsSunshine2b
@Bestyearever2024

No I don’t agree with either of you.
This lad needs the truth about the way his mum is feeling. If you read the OP, she is heartbroken that he has lied repeatedly and I don’t blame her. Masking her feelings is what will damage the relationship and allow him to carry on with his entitled behaviour in putting her health at risk. Getting angry and pleading hasn’t worked so far. So let him see how troubled she is about his behaviour today. He brought it on himself and needs to face the consequence of that, results day or not.

I’m not asking her to act any differently to the way she is feeling and he needs a wake up call to that, as it might just shock him into realising what he’s doing. I really hope he comes to his senses now.

Jesus. The passive aggressive bullshit sulk fest in this post 😅😅😅

Is the OP 5 years old?

My god 🙄

You do realise you've effectively advised OP to sulk all day and continue to lay the emotional blackmail on thick tomorrow. That's not going to convince a 16 yo boy to stop vaping, it's just going to wind him up and damage their relationship.

I can understand being disappointed that your son has chosen to do this, I would be too, but I'm not sure what you think you can achieve with sanctions or big talks.

As with any addiction, he's not going to quit because you want him to. He has to want to give it up himself. In terms of the direct impact on you and your life and the social consequences for him, nicotine is probably the best case scenario for addictions. At the end of the day, it's his body.

With respect, he's lying because you're taking such a black-and-white approach to this. By continuing to try to outright ban it, you're just making him sneaky about it.

The only result you're going to get out of blowing this out of proportion is that he'll carry on doing it secretly and lying to you until he turns 18 or moves out and can't be told what to do any more.

You do have the right to tell him you don't want it in the house and he needs to go outside, and that you don't want him doing it around you.

Mone of mine smoked or vaped, still don't as adults. When they were small I talked to them about the smell, the cost and the health implications. When they were older I made it very clear that whilst I couldn't stop them smoking or vaping there wouldn't be any done in my house and I wouldn't be funding it either so all allowance would be stopped if they did. I was never big on punishments or threats so they saw this as something really serious and took me at my word.

Perhaps talk to him about gas lighting as well and what a horribly emotionally abusive thing it is to do to someone whether mum, girl friend or wife.

I think at this point, I would be more inclined to accept that he was vaping and reach an agreement that he did not do it in my house. I know it's hard, I have a son who has done things I did not approve of, but you have to be realistic about the limits of what you can prevent/control.

Sorry I think it is terrible advice to a be mournful beggar at the feast type sulker on results day! He has vaped and lied about it it’s not great but in the grand scheme of teen crimes it’s tiny. Honestly life’s too short.

A respectful non dramatic conversation setting out why it’s a daft thing to do and emphasising that you won’t pay for it or allow it on the premises. I also pointed out that we were pretty decent parents who gave dd2 lots of freedom and lifts and don’t expect much in return but do expect her not to vape. Or the freedom and lifts will be limited.

We got an email from her maths teacher the following week saying how she had suddenly pulled her finger out and her friends mum who had put the thumb screw on her own Dd a few months later after seeing her Dd vape informed me that dd2 is the only one in the group that doesn’t vape. So our approach worked well.

@Hughareyoulookingat

I'm being treated for cancer and would do anything for my two not to go through it.

I have no advice but I understand how you feel. It's very hard when your children play fast and loose with their health.

Grounded at 16 or being kept in as it was known in Scotland.
I must be getting on I was working at that age.

Wish my mum had grounded me, I was working 40 hours a week at 16.

@Thevelvelletes you're not wrong. I personally would never go through a young adults room. Plus I smoke myself so couldn't really say much.
But OP obviously feels very strongly about it hence my suggestions. They wouldn't be what I would do personally.

Grounded at 16 or being kept in as it was known in Scotland.
I must be getting on I was working at that age.
The room search is over the top ,my mum used to search my room..no privacy.. detested her for years because of it.

I don't think you can make him stop. You can tell him he's not to do it in the house. But if he's using his own money then he'll continue I'd have thought. By all means throw it away, tell him if he does it in the house again he's grounded.
But let him enjoy this day with his mates.

I think that you have dealt with this really well @Hughareyoulookingat.

Good luck with the GCSE results!

"But he still has human rights while he lives there."

Something that involves breaking the law is not a human right.

No smoking or vaping allowed in my house by anyone.

OP, I understand that it’s for your own medical/health reasons that you don’t want your son vaping, as well as for his own health. Is that correct?

If so, I would be very sad, really upset in fact, that he was prepared to risk my health, especially after you have been crystal clear on the boundaries and the reasons. His disregard and lack of respect for your weak lung condition is intolerable.

No more talking now about it - unless he wants to talk about it, no more explaining your position, no more pleading with him. You are past that. He already knows.
And no hiding your absolute sadness and disbelief that it has come to this.

I would naturally find myself being very quiet today in your shoes. . Even on results day.
Only quietly congratulating him, only quietly celebrating with him, being very low key because I would feel totally defeated that it’s come to this situation where he repeatedly lies to my face, breaks my trust and risks my health.
I wouldn’t hide my feelings of sadness from him…he needs to see it, but I wouldn’t ever get angry (or turn his bedroom over or anything aggressive like that)

I would consider issuing a new ‘fresh start rule’ for him tomorrow.
Be very low key but very matter fact in your delivery, to reflect your sadness.
Ask him if he intends to continue vaping and lying to you about it.
Ask him if he needs help to stop vaping.
Tell him you accept that he is addicted but won’t enable it, so, there is to be no vaping in the house or garden or anywhere near you.
Tell him there must be no vaping friends allowed in the house or garden either.
Tell him that if he needs to vape he does it well away from you and your home, - and at his own hard-earned expense, not yours. But he needs to be open about his addiction.
Tell him ….You will no longer be funding his habit.
Tell him…..You will no longer be trusting him.
If he wants to ruin his own health that’s fine but he won’t be allowed to ruin yours.
His habit will no longer be tolerated in your home and garden.
And neither will his lies be tolerated.

Hopefully, after his results and his future being laid out for him today for the next two years at least, he might make an effort for this new start and attempt to rid himself of the addiction. If he agrees to this with full transparency, you will no doubt be only too happy to restore trust and help him all you can.

In the event he breaks that new rule, which of course he may well, then you have to follow through with well thought out consequences. Maybe, - some more serious addiction therapy and/ora shed in the garden to vape in. Maybe a part time job to fund his habit until he manages to get it all under control.

Make it very clear in all communication that it’s not him you are refusing to tolerate as although you are very sad that trust has broken down, you will still always love him very much, but it’s his vaping habit which you can’t allow because of your own health.

I expect this is a situation many parents are finding themselves in OP.
Best of luck to him to overcome it, (it sounds today as if he would like to be rid of it too) and to getting on track for his future.

My eldest Ds smokes and vapes. Caught him a couple of times in the house when he thought I was out. Told him off, told him not in my house. Once or twice a week I remind him of the health risks and tell him obviously it’s his body but I will remind him of the risks like this till he stops . I decided as well that pocket money would cease told him get a PT job to fund this as I’m not . He did but im
sure he will realise soon how much of his income it’s using

Mind blown about the poster who would kick their 16 year old out of the house for vaping! Guessing your children are 4 and 2 😀

Have had my share of mishandled episodes where I’ve flown off handle we are only human. But honestly ranting and raving and “this is my housing” are ineffectual as well as upsetting for everyone involved.

This is a good update. Hopefully he can sort the addiction with your support. I really hope he has a good results day!

Simply put, if there is a known issue and other parents are also concerned you can talk to each other. Work out what everyone is doing, take a generally.sinilar approach (or know who is going to just hand the kids whatever they want if they go over there house). Have some general intelligence andal awareness of what is going on.

Try and take on board some of the constructive and well meant feedback if you can. Shouting, begging, turning his room upside down, throwing things away, confiscating his possessions and sanctions are not going to get you the outcome you are looking for.