What sanction is appropriate?

I think you need to know when you've lost a battle tbh. As you've discovered, nothing is going to stop him at this point. All he will do is make things worse by layering lies on top of the behaviour you disapprove of so you end up with a son who vapes and lies rather than just vapes. He knows what you think and why, and he's choosing to do it anyway. You can't control it. It's too cheap, too accessible and he spends too much time away from you with opportunity.

If I were you I'd concentrate on harm limitation. No way would I be exacerbating health issues by removing his bike or other activities which would mean less excercise for a start. In fact I'd be encouraging physical stuff in the hopes of focusing him on his health.

I'd talk to him about the products he was using as some vaoes are less safe than others. I'd tell him that you were going to have to agree to (strongly!) differ on this and you'd drop the subject but in return he had to respect rules such as only vaping outside. This may well cut it down as winter approaches.

They do work. Punishments and sanctions teach children that their actions have consequences. It also teaches them that you have boundaries they need to respect as they still live in your house. They work for older teens and they work for younger children.

Honestly I really hope the “you are a shit parent” brigade read some of the recent sensible posts.

Ranting and raving and sitting 15 year olds on the naughty step really doesn’t work. Not doing this does not make you a “shit parent” 🙄. It’s much harder parenting teens. Treating them as if they are 6 and being the big shouty in total charge mummy is actual terrible counter productive parenting.

No she doesn’t. She sounds like she’s parenting as he is a child under her care still. It is her duty as a parent to be controlling as he is only 15/16 - not even old enough to legally vape. She is even weighing up when to speak to him I.e. very rational.

@SparklyJadeFawn vapes kill. She's trying to keep her son safe.

@SparklyJadeFawn If I ask a direct question of my teen and they lie. The sanction is not for the thing they’ve done wrong it’s for the lie. Lying is non-negotiable to me. I do not accept it just because they’re teens.

but my children have known this about me for years. So they normally act accordingly. Do they never lie to me? Yes but there are always consequences.

@Hughareyoulookingat if your bottom line is no vaping/smoking you can go nuclear and kick him out (I’m joking here) or you can sit him down and find out why (teenage boy will probably provide you with no answers). Also tackle the lying. It’s pointless lying when he’s so bad at hiding it, so why is he doing it? Is it a rebellion thing?

@Franjipanl8r you can't though. Unless you're prepared to be with them every minute of every day and control every aspect of their life.

Said every shit parent who didn’t insist on any manners or rules.

@Hughareyoulookingat well done on keeping you cool!

I would have smashed the vape and screamed about it for a good hour … probably week!
I would have been enraged!

I fight with myself walking past the “candy” shops that sell them & not going in to give them a piece of my mind!
they should be shut down.

I think I wouldn't be dealing with a 16 year old like a naughty 12 year old for a start. Sanctions and punishments don't work well at any age but particularly not with older teens. You'll just make the vape seem more attractive.

We’ve had this, our dd is 18, neither me or dad smoke or vape. My dad used to smoke and has chronic COPD. DD has seen his quality of life decline massively, yet still does it.
Firm line that it absolutely will not be allowed to be used in house, if I find her using it in house I will smash it :)
I’ve not smashed any yet !

I’ve a 22 year old and what I’ve learnt is that the more you react to something like this the more you close down those lines of communication.

Ok, so he knows you don’t want him to but, he quite literally doesn’t give a damn. That’s clear from the fact that he’s still doing it. Whatever your personal reasons are; they’re not his personal reasons. As brutal as that is- it’s because of that that he’s still doing it. So you need to change tact.

Unfortunately you HAVE to accept that he’s doing it and there absolutely nothing you can do about it or control. However, what you can control is not having it in your house. That’s got to be your new hard line.

Don’t mention it on GCSE day- the suspense will absolutely kill him anyway. He’ll be expecting you to lose your shit so you need to surprise him and not. Then on the following day you need to sit with him and have a frank but incredibly calm chat with him. Explain one last time the reasons that you’d rather he didn’t do it but, that you understand he’s now an adult so it’s not up to you. BUT under no circumstances is it to be done in your home for one thing or in your company. Either of these will be severely punished. And then you need to find the right punishment for it.

Good luck.

He will stop when he is ready to stop .
stop funding him that way he pays for himself

All of this

I would also not want my child to vape but I’m afraid teenagers do! I’m a teacher, some of the most intelligent nicest kids do it. If you don’t let him make his own mistakes and become too controlling, you’ll drive him towards a rebellion and he will do worse things. Be honest with him, don’t lose your temper and talk to him like an adult.

We grew up with a martyr Mum, and as a result my brother barely speaks to her. Teen girls can spot phoney guilt-tripping and sulking a mile off, but boys find it even more annoying.

Just take his phone for a bit. You don't have to do that twice, with teens.

I think it is regional, it is certainly in use round here.

Re the nicotine addiction - I've been chatting to my DD about this apparently the nicotine isn't the driving force, rather the flavours so often vaping with no nicotine.

So it might not be an addiction, just a fitting in, teenage thing.

I hope you don’t take your own advice LAMPs sulking and moping isn’t acceptable in a 6 year old let alone a fully grown parent. It’s utterly pathetic behaviour. Terrible example to teens.

Isn't "grounded" a very old fashioned term?

I was never grounded as a teenager as it was seen as old fashioned then. And that was in the 90s!

You're not wrong in one way here - it is ok for parents to express how teens' behaviour makes them feel. It's just there's ways of doing it that are constructive, open up communication and space to compromise and change, and ways that are destructive, close down communication and lead to parents and teens digging their heels in and refusing to give any ground.

This is a great shift and hopefully the start of better and more honest communication between you. Well done for your change in approach - can appreciate that must have been tough.

I think you asked something earlier about managing your own feelings during discussions about it. I'm actually going to say here that naming and owning how you feel constructively could be helpful if it's done calmly and in a solution focused way - "it makes me feel sad when you lie to me and I worry about your safety. How do you think we can communicate better and be more honest with each other?"

Me too. Her disapproval of most things teenage was legendary. Although her silent disapproval was possibly even worse than my dad’s shouting me down criticism.
I still continued to do all the banned activities, just secretly. Is it any wonder my self confidence and self esteem has taken years to build up.

Always a good idea for the responsible adult to be childish, sulk, go quiet and moody, when the responsible adult can't get her way

Yes THATS the answer when dealing with a teen 🙄😬

I seriously hope @LAMPS1 doesn't have any teenagers.