What sanction is appropriate?

Vaping is a huge, huge problem among teens op. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Plenty of otherwise good kids find themselves 'experimenting' and then addicted. If he hasn't stopped after everything you've said and done, then he's addicted and will need your help to stop. A lot of teens turn to it during times of anxiety and then find it difficult to shake the habit. In your situation, I'd continue the open and honest conversation, talk about healthier ways of coping with stress, and come up with some things together he can do when the vaping urge arises - chew gun, kick a football around (if that's his thing), read a book or whatever. Does he have any hobbies to help distract him? Ask him to be honest with you about the urges so that you can help him. And definitely reinforce that although you want to help him get off the vaping, you will not tolerate it in your house.

You sound like a good parent, with a strong relationship with your son. Focus on that first and foremost, and enabling him to feel safe enough to be honest with you so he's not forced into continuing to hide it.

The same way as those that parent teenagers with 'End of' ' Full Stop' 😂 😂

Do you actually have teenagers?! How will you enforce your “solid no”?

Smoking of any kind is a solid no for me too. And the lying would be the worst of it.

so I hope you know HE ruined his tomorrow! And I hope you took away that party and his mates.

id pack him a bag and drop him in the woods with his father for the summer, let him go through withdrawals out there, learn something, hopefully grow TF up. But that’s not accessible to everyone. Or fun for anyone else’s husbands! Not so fun for kiddo, but tolerable.

you’ve gotta look out for the health of your kids! They aren’t old enough to be messing up their bodies this bad! Lifetime repercussions.

Hope you got it figured.

Not RTFT so apologies, who has the weak lungs- you or your son? Also, can he not vape outside to avoid all the lies. He does vape, you don’t want him to vape at all but isn’t a compromise would be outside only? I would hate all the lying.

Whilst I understand your disappointment/worry at the vaping, and you’ve said you personally have a good health reason to be particularly upset with him over vaping, steaming in with a punishment is counterproductive IMO.

Most teens will experiment! It’s practically their job! You taking his bike/phone away etc will just alienate him further and potentially drive him further towards the forbidden stuff and away from you.

Better to talk with him and explain again your feelings and come up with something together to move forward on this. Treat him as an equal.

I haven't read the full thread, just OP's posts. I'm having similar difficulties with my younger teenagers. It's very difficult because teenagers don't have the full ability to make good decisions and understand the risks of vaping. And no-one yet knows the long-term consequences of vaping. So it's not about being controlling, it's about protecting their future health.

I decided that I wouldn't allow vaping in the house. I got them a locked box each which goes by the back door. They are allowed to keep vapes in there and use them outside. Any vapes found elsewhere get thrown away. Additionally, at the moment I am managing their access to money to stop them buying vapes.

I bought one child a nic-free vape (using her money) as a transitional measure, because it felt helpful for her.

This approach seems to have worked. As far as I can tell she's stopped vaping.

I think if he is spending time with friends who vape, there is a limit to what you can do. You can refuse to let him do it in your house and you can make it difficult, but unfortunately vaping is part of teenage life now so it if difficult to stop it.

I would have thought that was just general teenage behaviour & experimentation. Better than hard(er) drugs. Let's face it, we all started drinking & smoking (worse than vaping) in our teens &, mostly, grew out of it. At least, in the 80's we did. Leave him alone & support him in his results.

Is it your house? Or everyones' house?

Unfortunately DS (17) vapes, never in front of us, and I’ve told him it’s not allowed in the house, after I recognised a sickly sweet smell coming from his bedroom.

I asked him the reasons why he felt the need. Apparently everyone vapes at college! There are even vaping shelters (probably just old smoking shelters)!

I’ve told him I think he’s crazy for vaping, but that ultimately it’s his decision and if that’s what he wants to waste his money on that’s up to him. Ultimately I can’t stop him, but I want to keep the lines of communication open. He’s 18 in a few weeks time so I can’t force him to stop!

OP, your DS will still vape regardless of any sanctions, he just won’t do it in the house. Going ballistic won’t stop him unfortunately. Rather than go mad, sit down and calmly state why you feel this way and that you encourage him to stop.

If he's been doing it a while he might be addicted and not be able to quit.
He'd need to taper off slowly. Can you come up with a plan?

We all agree it bad. The outcome you want is them stopping doing it. Shouting and yelling at them doesn’t achieve that. Of course you need to parent and deal with it but deal with it properly in a constructive way.

Vaping linked to cancer and damages body like smoking, study suggests - The Times and The Sunday Times
https://apple.news/AzMJLDeVvTWSOhxBnkRVlug

@Hughareyoulookingat

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis/treatment.

Yes, it's so hard when they've seen you in hospital (through no fault of your own) and still they choose to risk their own health.

At 16, having seen you in hospital and realising there is a chance that his lone parent (I'm assuming) may dessert him (not deliberately obv) that's a lot for any kid. His stress response, seeking out another family / support network in his friends, turning to vaping may all be linked. He may subconsciously be pushing you away, knowing how you feel about it, because he's worried you might leave him first.
I think maybe you need to reassure him that you're going to be here for him for a long time. Maybe there's a sport or activity you could do together that will strengthen your own body / health and help him quit the vapes. Go on the journey together to get fitter and healthier. Help him see your own strengths and vulnerabilities so he can share his with you. Praise his strengths and help him develop them and offer support and insight for his vulnerabilities. Ask him to support you with yours. Start to see him as an adult to guide rather than a child to sanction. Give him the space and resilience to fail and help him pick himself up. It's exhausting and not always rewarding putting yourself second in this way because they're young and they don't recognise it and will still lash out at you. But these years are the time to grow the bonds and their trust in you to help them navigate this most difficult time in their lives safely and hopefully with as few bad choices as possible. He sounds like a lovely kid and I hope he smashed his GCSEs and you were able to celebrate as a family. Good luck with everything. It's bloody hard.

I've been there. We have sanctioned, shouted and cried. Obviously I don't know what your son needs or what will work, but my son needed support to stop. He was addicted. He uses niccorette gum to help with the cravings and has successfully stopped . Just a different perspective, they have made bad choices but it's not as easy as just stopping x

The lying is what would annoy me the most. My kids know that lying about something will result in more severe consequences. Admittedly those are things like bans from electronics etc not working on a chain gang but still 🤷 tell him you know about the vaping and that you don't appreciate the lies. At the end of the day, short of locking him up in his room, he'll just vape elsewhere so have a conversation about the health consequences and ask him to stop lying to you about things because he's at an age where much more serious addictions are possible and you don't want a relationship that he feels he has to hide everything from you

If you're a parent then I really feel sorry for your children

That said op you are only human and losing it in the moment proves that - we’ve all done it.

Being away from them to formulate your response rather than immediately flying off the handle in a temper is the best approach with teens. I am prone to the former myself and have made a conscious effort to change.

Seeing friends deal with horrific frightening dangerous teen behaviour thoughtfully with compassion has stopped me overreacting at mine for something minor like vaping. Honestly friends of ours would dream of having vaping being the worst issue. Put it in perspective for me anyway.

What these parents fail to realise is that in two years they are quite literally legal adults. And can choose not to have a relationship with you at all. It’s too late to impose your will absolutely. You can’t anyway. Thankfully most parents of teens realise this and adjust accordingly interesting to see so many on this thread haven’t realised this.

its a hard one - I came from parents who worked full time and late hours, who let me basically look after myself from the age of 10 (I was very mature for my age and an only child that’s maybe why ?) and by the age of 16 I had failed my GCSEs and was working full time at the local chicken factory and going out at weekends, drinking and smoking paying rent etc so to me the vape issue really wouldn’t bother me. Now as an adult (38) I have a good WFH job in a accounts position nice home married with a son of my own and all I really care about is how me grows and develops as kind caring young man - I can’t stop him when he’s older from doing the things I did and that scares me but he also has to make choices and live his own story to tell - let your son enjoy results day sounds like he expected to do well and discuss the vape issue the following day, he’s going to do it regardless ask he at least does it outside - good luck.

He's crossed my line IN MY HOUSE and he knows the rules. I couldn't be any clearer.
You sound unhinged, he's practically an adult and therefore can make his own choices. It's your line for
your health not his.
This my house nonsense is what ruins relationships.

Oh, and lastly, when you speak to him, do go armed with reliable and accurate information. If you take the 'vapes kill' approach, he will probably dismiss anything you have to say on the subject as an overreaction and throw the baby out with the bathwater. A bit like parents who act like cannabis is crack. Their kids assume they know nothing and don't listen at all. Read what the NHS says about vaping so you talk with perspective.

It isn’t treating them like a small child though. A small child will have different sanctions and you can still talk the teen through your reasoning and worries. There doesn’t need to be any shouting or hysteria. It’s a calm process with a clear sanction put in place. There will be no consequences long term, they will grow into an adult with their own children who respect and understand their mother’s actions.

He’s lying to you about it because of all these things you’ve said, he can’t talk to you. He may well be addicted to nicotine now (so much easier to do via a vape than actual smoking) so you need a discussion around that, so slowly lowering his nicotine levels until down to zero. He won’t go cold turkey, he’ll just do it behind your back (going from the info we have here).

What's the impact on your relationship long term though @Combattingthemoaners of treating an older teen like a small child?