Page 3 | SIL ignores messages on group chat

21andcountingtoday · 2024-08-21T22:04:59+00:00

We have a family group chat and SIL always ignores my messages. I will send pics of family outings and she’ll literally reply to BIL’s messages after mine but completely ignore mine. I’m baffled as to why she’s doing this. We couldn’t look after her pets a few years ago due to family illness and I wonder if she’s still upset about this? Or….whether she doesn’t want to see my pictures as I’ve got three kids and she desperately wanted another one but couldn’t have one? I do truly understand how difficult secondary infertility is having gone through it myself… Or MIL and I don’t get on, so are they conspiring together? I just find it really sad. I set up the group in the first place to unite us. She posts on it all the time with family pics and I always reply really positively so what the hell is her problem? I want to communicate with BIL for the sake of my kids so that my kids have a connection with their cousins. DH is resigned to the fact that SIL is a bitch. He can’t work her out and just thinks she doesn’t like either of us…DH has done nothing to upset SIL. He has literally bent over backwards to be kind to her over the years. Its upsetting me, and I find it incredibly rude to completely bypass my messages but then reply in depth to BIL’s message received a few hours later…. I think it’d be strange to cut communication on the group chat and start a new one with just BIL, but since this is the only channel we’ve got should I continue to use it or just never post? DH is terrible at sending pics etc and I feel like if I didn’t we just wouldn’t keep in touch at all. Set up this channel for the sake of my kids but they aren’t actually getting anything out of this so don’t know why I’m bothering.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2024 08:43

If this is in WhatsApp, she may have muted your account so doesn't see your posts - which would explain why she responds to everyone else and not you.
Not going to even guess why she may have done that but if she has muted your account, as far as I know, every post, including those in a group chat from that person will be muted.

pinkdelight · 22/08/2024 08:38

Afraid I agree with @Maddy70 - hard to hear but SIL's not responding because she's not bothered about you or your kids, which she has no obligation to be, and clearly isn't someone who toes the line to be polite. Though at least she is just ignoring you rather than being any more vocal about it, and I don't think you need to inflate this into her 'conspiring' with MIL. Which reminds me - you say MIL and you don't get on, so it's even stranger to set up this group and expect them to get on with you and be interested just because its whatapp and they can't leave. It doesn't help your kids be friends, to share pix with their parents. If the kids are going to get on, they will. And indeed even my DC who got on with their cousins when they were little, grew out of that friendship and the feeling was mutual so now it's amicable but distant and they've got nothing in common except being related. I think this is all from your only child false expectations and you need to see that you two just don't click and get past bothering about it all.

Maddy70 · 22/08/2024 08:28

With respect. No one is interested in pics of your kids

Just ignore her. You're giving this way too much energy

Hazeby · 22/08/2024 08:27

WakingUpInBlood · 22/08/2024 08:24

OP I say this with empathy because I recognise my own behaviours in your post but you’re coming across both as a huge people pleaser and as passive aggressive. Both of these are responses from people who are desperate to be liked and scared of direct confrontation (this is me to a T, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on it).

You know that Dita von Teese quote that’s like ‘you can be the juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches’? That’s what you need to hold on to. You can be the kindest, friendliest, most engaging person ever and your SIL still might not like you. It’s not your fault. It’s not something you’ve done wrong. It’s not your job to bend over backwards to make her like you.

But passive aggressive action like leaving the group or only messaging BIL aren’t going to solve anything either. They might give you momentary satisfaction but you’ll still be left wondering why SIL doesn’t like you, and she probably won’t even care that you’ve done it.

If the group is making you miserable, just stop using it (without a dramatic exit) and leave it to your husband to keep his family up to date. Or, keep using it to share news with your BIL and just accept that you can’t make your SIL like or engage with you. If you want to reply to her posts because you have something genuine to say then do, but not if you’re only doing so to try and win her round or persuade her to respond to yours.

This is the best advice on this thread.

Hazeby · 22/08/2024 08:25

You sound like a lovely person OP but I think that you keep trying to create a relationship with someone who doesn’t want what you’re offering. It’s her loss. Mute/archive the group, leave DH to facilitate communication with the nice BIL and try to forget about it. Focus on your lovely children, your own friends and family. You’ll be much happier.

harriethoyle · 22/08/2024 08:24

I find it odd you’re sending things to your DHs siblings when he doesn’t. Honestly, I’d find it a bit weird if I were the siblings.

WakingUpInBlood · 22/08/2024 08:24

OP I say this with empathy because I recognise my own behaviours in your post but you’re coming across both as a huge people pleaser and as passive aggressive. Both of these are responses from people who are desperate to be liked and scared of direct confrontation (this is me to a T, and I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on it).

You know that Dita von Teese quote that’s like ‘you can be the juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches’? That’s what you need to hold on to. You can be the kindest, friendliest, most engaging person ever and your SIL still might not like you. It’s not your fault. It’s not something you’ve done wrong. It’s not your job to bend over backwards to make her like you.

But passive aggressive action like leaving the group or only messaging BIL aren’t going to solve anything either. They might give you momentary satisfaction but you’ll still be left wondering why SIL doesn’t like you, and she probably won’t even care that you’ve done it.

If the group is making you miserable, just stop using it (without a dramatic exit) and leave it to your husband to keep his family up to date. Or, keep using it to share news with your BIL and just accept that you can’t make your SIL like or engage with you. If you want to reply to her posts because you have something genuine to say then do, but not if you’re only doing so to try and win her round or persuade her to respond to yours.

Edingril · 22/08/2024 08:21

Do you have a full life off whatsapp I would focus on that, leave her alone and focus on yourself

Original poster

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 08:20

@Hatethisheadofmine

Im sorry you’re in a similar situation. That doesn’t nice.

Yes I wish I could leave completely. I still am tempted to look at it when it’s archived. I think it would be better if I could never see the messages again.

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OhmygodDont · 22/08/2024 08:20

Sounds like sil and bil use it as their own private chatting ground and then she feels you intrude/brag about your holiday when you weren’t in the conversation. Clearly forgetting that they are having it in a group chat 🤣

PTSDBarbiegirl · 22/08/2024 08:19

It sounds like you’re overly invested in a WhatsApp group. I think it’s a bit odd and advise muting the chat for 4 weeks, don’t post anything and see if anyone contacts you. If not then let the chat group go and arrange to see them in real life if you want. Personally, I don’t want to be forced to look at photos etc of other people’s kids. 1 per year is ample.

BowlOfNoodles · 22/08/2024 08:19

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 08:17

@Edenmum2 I think what happens is I stop using it for ages then SIL and BIL have really active communication about holidays etc so I send pics of our holidays to try to get involved and because I think since I’m replying to all her messages she’s bound to reply to mine but then I’m met with radio silence. So it’s kind of like I forget that she never responds and I get carried away and try to get involved. This happens about every six months when I’ve forgotten just how crap she is. I then delete all the messages and archive the chat. So I don’t remember the exact chain of events when it happens again a year down the line 😂

Stop immediately it actually sounds desperate and embarrassing. She doesn't like you op and that's absolutely fine it really is.

Original poster

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 08:17

@Edenmum2 I think what happens is I stop using it for ages then SIL and BIL have really active communication about holidays etc so I send pics of our holidays to try to get involved and because I think since I’m replying to all her messages she’s bound to reply to mine but then I’m met with radio silence. So it’s kind of like I forget that she never responds and I get carried away and try to get involved. This happens about every six months when I’ve forgotten just how crap she is. I then delete all the messages and archive the chat. So I don’t remember the exact chain of events when it happens again a year down the line 😂

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Hatethisheadofmine · 22/08/2024 08:16

I have a SIL like this. Doesn’t react to anything, will never comment on anything. Only time she reacted to anything was when I said we have the rooms booked for the wedding and she thumbs up reacted to it….and then a few days before the wedding they weren’t taking a room and we shouldn’t have assumed that they were. I ended up leaving the groupchat after they all went out without me being invited and I feel so much happier

Edenmum2 · 22/08/2024 08:03

Just stop engaging in the chat. Do you actually want a relationship with her or are you just offended?

BowlOfNoodles · 22/08/2024 08:00

Maybe she's simply loyal to her mother who you don't get along with it really can be that simple.

Original poster

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 07:55

I think Im going to scale back completely. All your replies have really helped me. Thank you. I’m just thinking if MIL was to die tomorrow they’d be no reason to keep contact with SIL at all, we will probably lose contact altogether and that’s okay.

DH would probably occasionally talk to his brother so nothing would really change. All the effort and time Im putting into maintaining a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t want to know is for nothing really…probably best just to die it down now.

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OhmygodDont · 22/08/2024 07:52

My sil made a family group WhatsApp. I have it muted and archived.

It was just a means for her to brag about how much better she was at everything in life. If we were going to the beach she would have to be at a better beach, bowling well obviously she was going to win. Here’s her child, And another of her child. Then the tagging on Facebook and the separate private messages 🙄

She’s dh’s problem it’s his sister. I never responded to anything in the chat ever, before I archived it I’d open it to clear the notifications but that was all.

Original poster

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 07:51

@Timeforaglassofwine they didn’t have to cancel but they had to find someone last minute, she never replied to my messages though so I don’t know what happened really or who they found. It was a really difficult situation where I had put myself out to look after her cat but then my dad fell seriously ill and ofcourse I had to help him. She didn’t make any attempt to understand this whatsoever.

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Original poster

21andcountingtoday · 22/08/2024 07:43

Thank you @SomeoneLeftTheDoorOpen I think you’re right, irony is she posts about making BIL girlfriend feel welcome and asks what she likes etc. yet I’ve been married to DH for 15 years and she completely ignores me! It does make sense that she’s trying to make it clear to me Im the intruder with this behaviour.

@RockyRogue1001 We had one child together, then seven years of secondary infertility before we finally got our twins so I do understand what it feels like, though I’m obviously in a very fortunate position now on the other side of it. It’s a very hard journey and I empathise with anyone going through it.

@InTheTrenches88 that’s it, I was hoping for big family gatherings and to extend my own very small family but that just isn’t going to happen

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DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 22/08/2024 07:40

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 21/08/2024 23:46

You do sound rather controlling, op. Just leave her be and stop stressing about it. Many of us hate being forced into WhatsApp groups yet feel we have to go along with accepting to keep the peace. Doesn't mean everyone then wants to be part of every conversation. Just get on with your life and quit analysing her behaviour and scale back your expectations of interaction to stop being disappointed.

I agree. We have a family WhatsApp that I sometimes put pictures of DDs on. I honestly couldn't tell you who always replies, and I couldn't say who replies to other people's messages.

Timeforaglassofwine · 22/08/2024 07:34

The pets were mentioned, but what was the actual situation, was it a case of them having to cancel an expensive family holiday last minute because you couldn't look after them?

angelinaballerina7 · 22/08/2024 07:18

She doesn’t want to be your friend for whatever reason - it’s probably not important. I would just put the thumbs up reaction on the occasional photo she sends and ignore her messages unless they’re directly to you.

if you’re in a group chat though where MIL and SIL dont get on with you, I’d maybe tone down the communication. People who are interested will ask outwith this chat.

SomeoneLeftTheDoorOpen · 22/08/2024 02:20

I was cleaning the house (do my best thinking then), and thinking about this post again (because some of the things reminded me of my SIL).

I think your SIL is smug in her position. She has two brothers she isn’t willing to share. You’re married to one of them but she’s not going to make it easy for you and make sure you know you are the intruder. Very common and ugly behaviour. I still stand by not to give her the time of day.

SomeoneLeftTheDoorOpen · 22/08/2024 00:53

OP, I couldn’t help but think how lovely of a person you sound. I find your SIL’s behaviour offensive.

I think I would just let the group chat dissolve on its own. If BIL posts, I would reply but not put up updates on your end and not respond to any more of SIL’s updates. In time, it’ll probably be more time between posts and then you can quietly exit. Maybe your DH could have a quiet word with BIL at some stage.