Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

Insensitive and uncompassionate post.
The family of the special needs child desperately need a holiday.
Your comments are astoundingly Insensitive

No, she said the holiday was less important.

I’m suggesting that she could put her Martina Cole down for half a hour and make sure her mate of 20 years is ok and if she might like a sandwich or a bottle of wine and a straw

To be fair, she has done that. She updated that she suggested taking her friend out for a drink and a chat to support her and allow her space to express her feelings. It sounds like OP really does want to support her friend but she also wants to make the most of the holiday for her family too. I dont think that is in any way wrong or unfair.

Aside from giving her space for a supportive chat I really dont know what else people are expecting from the OP. OP is not a therapist and it sounds like the friend isnt even that keen on talking about it if they've been chatting for ages and she never once mentioned her daughter's behaviour before.

@InterIgnis well said.

Regardless of how the situation came about, the OP’s friend and her family being in crisis is way more important than the OP having the mythical perfect holiday.

Your self entitlement and arrogance is astounding. Who do you think you are to decide that the op and her family should put their holiday on the back foot and rally around this friend??
Does their holiday not matter to them? What mind blowing arrogance you have to think their situation trumps everything else. If someone slaps you will you get up and be all smiley and forgiving. This child is ruining it for everyone and the family knew full well what they were doing by not warning the OP.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. Regardless of how the situation came about, the OP’s friend and her family being in crisis is way more important than the OP having the mythical perfect holiday

No. OP wasn't warned. No-one else gets to decide that someone's holiday should be superceded by their family parenting issues, that is the height of entitlement.

Well said, @InterIgnis

She sure as hell did. Please review the post I quoted verbatim.

You don’t get to decide whether this constitutes a ruined holiday for them or not. For a lot of people this level of disruption and stress absolutely would.

They know what their kids behaviour can be like. Even if they thought she wouldn’t behave like this on holiday, they knew it was distinct possibility and they should have informed OP before she and her husband used up their annual leave, spent their money and committed themselves and their kids.

Good lord you lot are all heart aren’t you 😁

I’m not suggesting that the OP upends her holiday to take over care for this child. I’ve said it about 10 different ways and every time it’s implied that the I am instructing her to spend the next week imprisoned in a darkened hotel room having mini bottles of shampoo thrown at her by the six year old hostage taker. I’m suggesting that she could put her Martina Cole down for half a hour and make sure her mate of 20 years is ok and if she might like a sandwich or a bottle of wine and a straw.

People make dodgy decisions with unintended consequences. It’s a holiday, it’s not ruined and it’s not the end of the world. This is the kind of refreshing perspective you get when life throws you something that wasn’t in the plan and you have no choice but to catch it and crack on because you love it. Even though it’s often horrible to you and ruins your travel plans.

I’m afraid that the idea that families with disabled children can’t go on holiday because they should spend all their money on some nebulous therapies to fix their problems has finished me off. Tell me more, wise poster, about who I can pay so I don’t have to be the boss of this any more 😂

Enjoy the rest of your holiday, OP. Nothing you have said indicates that you will be taking any of the more unhinged advice that’s been offered. Reading what posters on this thread who know demand avoidance have written will give you a bit of a window into what might have led to this situation and what your friend’s life is like. Most of all, be thankful that you’ll be going home after a nice break to a peaceful life with your family.

Declaring that some people can just suck it up because they are less important is not on.

PP didn't say that OP was less important@BettyBardMacDonald.

Yes, of course families with disabled children should not take holidays. How frivolous and irresponsible of them to want a life with occasional pleasures like other people.

If you want to talk about school, what needs to change is the parlous state of SEND provision.

Fuck that. Op and her family aren’t obliged to sacrifice their own enjoyment of their holiday in the name of having ‘empathy’ for their friends. You don’t get to decide what other people have to accept.

Their friends should have given OP enough respect to allow her to make an informed choice about going on holiday, not just expected her to suck up because life is hard for them and misery wants company.

Some of the posters here have blown my mind with their lack of even basic empathy

Your post is a great example.

Also, it's not the OP's job to provide support, and especially not when this has been foisted on her without her consent or prior knowledge. Treating her (and the rest of her family) like this is a shitty, shitty thing to do.

But the money spent on the holiday would have been better spent on support for this child. This is just a fact. OP isn't a specialist, and was not warned, and has her own children, the idea she was going to be some magical solution for a week or so was deluded. What benefit would it be the child to have support for a week, then that was taken away?

They've pissed away thousands that could have gone into trying to make life better for those children by getting specialist help and support - for the high needs child but also her older brother, who has a lock on his door and wants to leave home. They're not behaving in a grown up, responsible way at all.

"the OP’s friend and her family being in crisis is way more important than the OP having the mythical perfect holiday."

I have to disagree with this. It's not a day out to the nearby beach, it's a long holiday that is using up precious money and annual leave.

It was really unfair of the friend to not spell out the exact situation and let the OP know what she was in for. Also the fact that the child's father feels free to go off and do his own thing, instead of caring for his child with complex needs, speaks volumes. Let him, rather than OP, have his holiday curtailed. Let him give his wife a break.

Declaring that some people can just suck it up because they are less important is not on. Especially when they have been rather hoodwinked into a situation.

If friend had said "Look, I am desperate and really need to lean on you, could you please help me out in what is likely to be a sucky situation for all of us...?" that would be one thing. But that is not what occurred.

You’re right. Maybe they won’t. OP isn’t going to holiday with them again so it’s not her problem. But it would be a kindness if the friend didn’t go home to the endless task of caring for the child also feeling like she’d ruined a holiday and her mates all hated her.

As for the husband… 100%. I wrote up thread that I’d lay good money he pushed for the trip and she didn’t want to do it. I’d also lay good money he has strong opinions about his daughter’s behaviour and does absolutely nothing to change anything. The 80% figure has been debunked I think but this is the reason most autistic kids have single parents

If the parents of the child didnt get the message that things need to change when the child was suspended from school what makes you think this holiday is going to do it.
And yet AGAIN its the nearest female who has to suck it up while the childs OWN FATHER fucks off to the beach every day.

I’ve been mulling this over today as I took my son to ruin everyone else’s day out by being autistic at a local theme park 😁

I’m just going to come right out and say it. Regardless of how the situation came about, the OP’s friend and her family being in crisis is way more important than the OP having the mythical perfect holiday.

I cannot conceive of a situation whereby I had a close friend who was in an incredibly difficult situation and I told her to sling her hook because she was ruining it for everyone else. It’s really childish. Perfect holidays are not a thing. If it wasn’t this it would be something else because that’s life.

All these pages of angry handwringing and boundary setting and all that’s really needed to set things back on track is a bit of basic empathy and perspective.

The OP needs to give her mate a hug and acknowledge that this is a difficult situation and that it must be really hard for her. She could maybe push the boat out and ask if there is any way her friend thinks that they could salvage the situation so they could all enjoy the holiday. The teenager who was hit needs a very simple explanation as to why a small autistic child might lash out when overstimulated and I doubt she’ll have any lasting trauma.

Holiday over, OP goes home knowing she hasn’t made a shitty situation worse by behaving like a giant spoilt baby and that she and her family got to have time together even if it wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped. OP’s friend and family go home armed with the realisation that things need to change because their daughter is holding them all hostage, and comforted by the fact that their friend acknowledged how hard it must be and isn’t furious with her about it.

Some of the posters here have blown my mind with their lack of even basic empathy. It’s a bit scary.

Fantastic post, perfectly described. It is truly scary how little or no insight some people have no idea of the enormity and challenges of looking after children/adults with special needs. It would have been nice if OP's friend was able to offer some support

yes quite clearly no one gives a fuck about him. Big chance that if his parents need his help in thirty years time he will tell them to get to fuck

Another father leaving it all to the nearest vagina owner whether the latter is related to the child or not

There was a boy in my junior school class in 1982 who would have meltdowns I remember one incident when the teacher got him out of the classroom, I dont remember how she did it The thing that stuck in my mind was her pushing her desk up against the door so he couldnt get back in.