Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

Agree it sounds awful but also agree with PPs that for some kids with PDA type disorders the “usual” strategies you would deploy with other children and that would help an autistic child do not work.

get through the week as best you can, and then don’t holiday with them again. I’m sure it’s stressful for them too.

Shite parents- Who knows?

Shite friends- Absolutely!

They've let you waste your money, annual leave, time, ruin your kids holidays. They absolutely should have pre warned you of her behaviour and the fact they expect you all to constantly appease her and put up with it. I would Absolutely be telling them that too- they can control their behaviour if not their daughters.

SEN parent, My son was awful when he was younger, used to bite, scream, have meltdowns, use to want to control us and situations.

He was parented and taught that these behaviours weren't acceptable. He is now a nice polite 13 year old. Unfortunately if you allow the behaviour it continues and they get bigger and stronger

It is still a parenting issue though isn’t it.

It’s poor parenting to put their chid in that situation so ops not wrong.

Also a poor friend so let op pay and go on holiday not knowing what was about to come.

If even one of their older kids want to move out because it’s so bad and have to lock their door and ops been led to believe the child just has some struggles till now.

YANBU to not expect this level of disruption to your holiday and to expect something to change.

YABU to talk about "parenting properly" and to make assumptions that the behaviour is due to this rather than their disability.

I think both you and the other couple are BU.

You because you seem determined to make this a parenting issue when it sounds like unmet needs of an autistic person with PDA.

Them because it’s nuts to take an autistic child with PDA on a joint holiday and expect it not to be a hellscape for everyone.

I have a PDA ASC 7 year old.

I have an autistic child whose behaviour can be impulsive and challenging. We do however have calm but firm boundaries and limits. I would be beyond mortified should my child hit your child and swear. Likely we would either go home or move to different accommodation. I agree that the parents sound broken. Likely they feel powerless, but that doesn’t mean you have to subject your kids to their child not coping. I don’t even expect my child’s sibling to tolerate agressive behaviour, whatever the reason. I’m the adult and I have to use whatever strategies I have at my disposal to descalate, calm and educate my autistic child, whilst ensuring other people are kept safe.

I agree that at the least you need to separate from them or find a way to keep the children separate.

I don't think they have been fair. They failed to tell you that things are so awful at home that one of their other children wants to move out. They failed to mention she has been permanently excluded from school for violence.

You're getting the truth from their 15yo son. So you shouldn't feel bad for doing your own thing every day.

Nope - it’s not OP’s job to have a miserable holiday so she can be “supportive and kind.” It’s totally unacceptable of her friend to not mention her daughter’s behavior back when OP was thinking about going on holiday with her friend’s family.

OP, I’d find a different place to stay and only see your friend a few more times this week by yourself. Tell your husband you’re not going to argue about whether they’re bad parents or not, but you’re not going to make the rest of the family be around them, either. He can stay with your kids while you and your friend have lunch or something.

Tell your friend that you understand she’s in a very difficult situation, but you’re not going let her daughter’s behavior have a negative effect on your husband and children’s holiday. (Don’t say “ruin their holiday,” because that will set her off.)

I would do this. I’m not without sympathy for them, but you should have been told so you could make a choice about this holiday. It’s going to be ruined and the friendship over forever if you stay I think.

If you are prepared to pay for flights home to avoid being around them then it is clearly very bad. Perhaps look into alternative accommodation first as it seems a shame for your children to be denied a holiday, if that is not possible then you may well have to cut your losses. I am guessing you are sharing a villa type holiday rather than in a hotel?

Can you start some activities in the day as a family. Explain you want some family time and meet in the evening

Tell them the "joint" holiday is over and you can't spend any more time around their daughter.

Then make whatever arrangements you have to in order to save whatever is left of your holiday.

@upoutandin87 I agree with others - either move your accommodation or just tell your friend the truth, that their daughter is completely spoiling your holiday and you do not want to spend any time with them for the rest of the holiday. That you're sorry they have such difficulties with their youngest, but you can't cope with it and would never have agreed to go, if you had known her behaviour is this bad

For the sake of your sanity and holiday, have a conversation with the parents and simply explain you need space.

You have every right to enjoy your holiday. I hate weak parents and this is exactly it. I don't care how sick she is, if she's allowed to do whatever she pleases then she will never have the opportunity to learn.

The DD sounds a lot like my nephew, ineffective parenting to boot.

The parents are responsible, not the ASD child.

I'd be honest with them and say you're not able to enjoy the holiday you spent a lot of money on while they appease their child's behaviour, whatever the cause. Say you will be keeping yourself apart to try to make it enjoyable and you are sure they will understand. If they don't, too bad.

My DH wants us to cut all ties with them until they start parenting their child properly.

^

Dh is on the money

I could t stay another second in their company. Not just because of the out of control child but the ineffective parenting.

'my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her'

That's all very well for the parents to make poor parenting decisions and live with the consequences but when it's casing problems for others they should step up.

Once the holiday is over you tell her straight and then cut off all contact.

Amazing how the parents expect everyone else to suffer and just suck it up to accommodate their child. God forbid that child gets a tell off/is inconvenienced/doesn't get her own way.

I'd either move apartments or go home early.

You could tell the child off, but the parents won't like that so probably won't speak to you again might not be a bad thing

wonder how the other mum would react if another child with Sen whacked her kid because her kid wouldn’t do what they wanted.

Bet she wouldn’t just take a well we just have to do what Amber wants. She would be fumming.

My gd is ND, and when she was younger, could be an absolute nightmare in a strage environment or with people she didn't know. Discipling her when she was reacting to confusion and fear - even in the gentlest way - was pointless as her rage and frustration just kept on increasing and her behaviour got worse and worse. We were lucky in that the school was supportive, and she was eventually medicated, she calmed down and was much happier. She recently completed her post-graduate degree, and though her ND can cause her problems, she is holding down a job, has had a good relationship and is doing well. I'm so proud of her.

Your friends are probably dealing with a ND child whose problems are extreme and who is impossible to control sometimes. Medication is usually the answer and can work very well.

But I do appreciate how difficult this must be to deal with. We never took DGD anywhere too far from home when she was young. Changes in routine, changes of scene were real triggers.

It's interesting that she only has violent outbursts when she can't get her own way or someone says no to her.