Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

Change accomodation.
Hit the beach.
Bugger that.

I sympathise, I have cut ties with a friend as her parenting was absolutely unbelievable. Her daughter actually groped my then 14 yr old son and she didn’t take it serious at all, said I should be sympathetic because she was ND and ASD but she never ever corrected her, told her no or anything and she was completely out of control. Same thing, spitting, swearing, violence etc. in the end I had to put my kids first as days out with them was hell

Unfortunately, these threads usually descend into SEN parenting bingo....

Just ineffective parents
I'm autistic and I don't do that
SEN or not, they just need to be told/a good hiding
Everyone's ND these days
etc

Aaaaand this is why I holiday alone with DS in the back of beyond. (FWIW, they absolutely should have told you what their DC was like - no excuse for that).

Stop spending time with them. And if they ask why, tell them.

This. The OP paid for a holiday. Other people need to parent their kids, whatever the problems, so that they don’t spoil it for others.

Book elsewhere, OP, or go out every day.

I have a child with PDA and complex PTSD. I agree usual strategies for managing behaviour do not work. It might look like shit parenting but actually sometimes nothing works and usual boundaries etc make it worse.

The only thing I agree with is they should have told you.

I wouldn’t fly home but i’d (reluctantly) give up on my poolside lounging and accept i needed to be up and out every morning. Take your family on days out and trips etc. Basically see as little as humanly possible of them until you leave. I get that this is really hard for them but they haven’t been straight with you.

That’s some emotional blackmail horseshit. They are undoubtedly finding it infinitely more tough than OP, but that’s their child. OP and her family are under precisely zero obligation to suck it up and be miserable in solidarity.

They should have informed OP as to the behavioural issues before she and her family used up valuable leave and spent money on this holiday.

I wouldn’t go home but I would just put distance between you. Say ‘Thought it would do us both good to have some family time, so Thurs, Sat and Sun we’re having some days out.’

Even if you want to lounge by the pool, go down at a different time. Wave from afar, and head down in to your book.

On the plus side OP. You get to go home eventually. I’m sure more could be done to try and meet the needs of the child but in the end, this is a temporary hell for you.

Surely as a good friends you wouldn’t book a 10 day holiday away with your friend knowing your friend has no idea quite how challenging your child finds certain situations and that they do have violent outbursts.

Doesn't that work both ways, though?

You can’t fix the situation for them, it sounds awful and no doubt your friends are at their wits’ end with the child.

That isn’t your priority though, and they were not honest and upfront with you when booking. You are perfectly within your rights to seek other accommodation so you can enjoy what’s left of your holiday.

Sounds like their older children have had enough too, it’s very sad.

They may or may not be bad parents, but they are absolutely bad friends. Op and her husband should have been made aware of how challenging their child can be before they booked annual leave and paid out money on a holiday that has been throughly unenjoyable for them so far.

I’m not surprised your husband is furious - despite some believing that any other reaction beyond ‘oh, poor them’ and sucking it up in the name of being ‘kind’ and ‘supportive’ to be unreasonable, that’s an entirely valid reaction.

I wouldn't stay. I'd just make my excuses, say we needed a break and go and book an air bnb in the neighbouring town.

Sounds like a PDA profile. If you’re finding it tough just imagine what she is going through. Maybe don’t come onto Mumsnet to discuss their special needs child and be a better friend.

I would be heartbroken if my friend did this to me.
Sincerely, mum of an autistic PDA child.

* I* know about ASD

You know about ASD in relation to your own child.

You know nothing about ASD in relation to their child.

You've spent 3 days in their lives and are now an expert dishing out advice?

It sounds like you shouldn't have gone on holiday together. They must have thought they'd get empathy and understanding from you but they've guessed that wrong.

Look, whether the parent's parenting strategies are working or not is not something you are ever going to be able fix, OP. They will parent their child as they see fit to as most parents do, so its pointless to be fretting about that.

What you can do, however, is not allow this to ruin your holiday. I would be moving accommodation and having a firm but gentle word that you can no longer cope with this behaviour and that your holiday is the tiny portion of the year when you get to relax and you need that time. Then I would move to another place.

If you cant afford to do that, I'd be making it clear that we as a family need space and time to relax and I would be going out and not telling them where we were going so we could have space away from them. Do not ever go away with them ever again, obvs.

I think you should find alternative accomodation. Breaking the news doesn't have to be tied up with a load of judgment, it doesn't sound like you see much of them anymore and it's probably clear to everyone this arrangement won't be repeated.

There's probably a fair chance the change in routine and presence of unfamiliar people are particularly upsetting her and the parents are wondering how to broach the subject with you! Why not just say "our presence doesn't seem to be helping X, we're going to stay elsewhere / do separate activities". If they really are insistent you can just tell them that's a polite way of saying you can't put up with your children being attacked regardless of the circumstances.

Cynically, I do wonder if they wanted to holiday with another family in the hope it would dilute the situation and there would be more pairs of hands to help manage her. The dad heading off to the beach, presumably with the expectation you will stick around to support your friend with their DD has me raising an eyebrow.

Honestly, I'd be leaving them to it and doing whatever I could to salvage the holiday for my family, and I would give an honest (as kind as possible) explanation as to why.

Borrow or beg the money for another accommodation tonight.. Do not feel bad.

Sorry, that was to @OhmygodDont

Yes, that’s a fair point. But the OP is likely wrong in blaming the poor behaviour on the parents. You can’t teach a PDA kiddo to behave using conventional parenting techniques - I have the scars from trying!

Why should this family be expected to use the HOLIDAY they paid for to be abused by anyone, including a SEN child? I would be far from understanding if a “friend” knowingly brought me into their messy family dynamics when I had paid good money to relax on a pricey holiday.

Autism isn't an illness,it is also a huge spectrum and some people with autism will never have the capacity to learn
That said the Op doesn't have to put up with it.