Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

‘It’s likely that being on holiday has upset her routines’
What routines? The OP has said that this family don’t even have mealtimes - they just graze!
My non-ND child would have found that alone hard to cope with (as would I).

They have allowed this behaviour. She needs boundaries what are they going to do when she's still behaving like this as a teenager? Mine are both severely autistic non verbal I would never allow that behaviour. Are they against medication?

Holidays are an expensive outlay for some, maybe a once a year time where families get to spend quality time together and relax.
You've paid to go on holiday with not only friends but you're own immediate family and your holiday sounds far from either

How much quality time are you spending with your own DH/DC?

Let your friends DH spend some time with his family while you and your family go off and have a few outings, beach days or site seeing.

It sounds like a nightmare OP, but I wouldn't end my holiday early. Can't you just go out without them every day?

This seems the best way to salvage your holiday. If it helps them too, all the better. (parent of a child with asd and adhd)

I have nothing to say about your friend's parenting because that's not my area, what I would say is your DF shouldn't have ever asked you to holiday together without giving you the heads up about her DD so that you made an informed choice. It's telling that her DH takes the other DC away every day while you stay and try and help. Move if you can Op or just don't be so available, no reason why you can't be out all day if it helps you to cope.
I wouldn't cut them off completely when you get home, it costs nothing to call and see how they are doing, but holidays and day trips- not a chance

she slapped my DD earlier today and called her a f b because she didn't want to go in the pool with her - my friends answer to this was you cannot say no to her

She assaulted your child and her DM then blamed your child for this. Leave now. Show your children they cannot be treated like this by anyone and no relationship is worth this. May have been different if friends DM had stood up for your DD.

I have a dcwithautismand severe learning difficulties. He attends a special school. Over the years I have become friends with many parents of special needs kids.......I stay away from those who don't set boundaries for their kids!!!

The more you give in the worse it gets.

Can you move accommodation.......there isn't going to be a friendship left after this so you could bite the bullet and tell her how you feel.

That’s not how autism works

I don't know why people are suddenly saying this child has PDA when OP never said so. Besides, PDA individuals aren't typically violent, plus they avoid demands placed on them, not place demands on others and become violent when it isn't done.

ODD on the other hand...

Anyway, autism or not, OP deserves to enjoy her holiday with her family. If it isn't working out with them, it isn't working out. Go and have a separate one and let them deal with their family the way they know how.

The child probably needs more outsiders to tell her off since she's too used to her family and their authority or lack of.

Really annoying seeing all these “as a parent of a child with asd” posts.
Every child is different and you are not an expert on this child.
You and your DH are not very good friends to this couple, do them a favour and back away and stop posting about their child for validation.

If normal parenting strategies don’t work there has to be at least some kind of alternative strategy other than “we just give her what she wants” and letting her hit people and swear at them.

It's nothing short of lazy and neglectful to not feed your kids meals and literally nobody would advise a parent to never say no!

I agree with this.

As a parent of a child with ASD I have to say I think their lack of parenting is cruel.

It's pretty routine to be advised that Autistic kids in particular need routines and to know what is going to be happening. Of course, all are different, but I do think a high percentage of kids with ASD would find that really stressful. This state of constant flux could be really adding to their child's behaviours.

It's nothing short of lazy and neglectful to not feed your kids meals and literally nobody would advise a parent to never say no!

They sound like pretty crappy parents, all in all.

You have a DC with ASD so I am sure you MUST be aware of how difficult parenting some ASD children can be - and of the existence of PDA. If you have known them to be caring and engaged parents to their older DC then it is unlikely they are just "not parenting properly" and all would be well with their youngest's behaviour if only they'd be stricter with her behaviour.

If they are friends good enough to holiday with then it is strange they haven't shared with you before how challenging they are finding their child's behaviour.

I honestly don't know if there is anything you can do to support your friends and their DC. I'd expect trying to be supportive, listen to them, be as patient and flexible as you could would be a start. If you don't want to/can't handle being around them on your holiday (which is precious family time I understand and with older teenagers may not be many more to follow) then you will have to remove yourselves - take older DC to a spa or find another pool or go to the beach or on a day trip and tell your friends that you will catch up with them later/for dinner/whatever.

Is their DC bored if they are hanging out with their mum/mum's friend and much older child? Would they be able to join in any child activities?

Agree with some PP about how it sounds very like autism with a pda profile. It helps to view their DDs meltdowns as panic attacks that she absolutely cannot help. Traditional parenting of reward good behaviour and punish bad will never work in those circumstances - imagine you were having a panic attack - would logic and reasoning, or even punishment, work on you, even as an adult, to snap out of that one and/or not have another in future?

Accommodations and trying to avoid meltdowns for both her and everyone's sake is often the best strategy above all else; and to achieve that will often mean 'letting her get her way'. Making things a game or a choice so she has control and therefore is less likely to get anxious might well help.

But 100% agree that everyone going on holiday with a child with such needs should understand her needs and agree in advance to being willing to accommodate them with kindness and patience. Them not giving you this chance to decide is unreasonable, of course it is.

It's very likely her meltdowns will be worse than 'normal' right now because of the transition and change in routine.

As much as I empathise with how hard it must be for them, they damn well should have told you about this so you could make an informed decision whether to go or stay.

It also sounds to me like the husband wants a break and just expects you to pick up the slack for him. I couldnt have a holiday where my kids were being hit and verbally abused and my stuff was potentially getting broken or ruined. I'd rather stay home thanks.

Imagine if your phone had been in your bag?- who would have paid for that to be replaced?

Leave the accommodation or tell them you need a break and then go out somewhere, anywhere, and dont tell them where you are going. It's perfectly ok to want family time on holiday and I think I'd be saying gently that I couldnt cope with this behaviour and a boundary would be drawn.

This is the thing- if they had TOLD you about this before, they wouldnt now be in this situation and it would have avoided all this awkwardness.

What your friend is doing is negligent. And I really sympathise with people who are navigating their way through parenting a child who has is ND but this is not parenting. By effectively deciding that their child should have absolutely no boundaries then they are raising a menace to society. All sounds very dramatic I know but it's evident that they haven't sought any kind of help.

And it is not the child's fault. It sounds like the child has PDA and for the parents to stumble through raising her like this is just so awful, awful for the child's siblings and obviously, now, awful for you and your little family.

They were wrong not to tell you. If you can afford it at all then please seek alternative accommodation. Eurocamp have an end of summer sale and there are lots of good deals there where you could find something decent for relatively low cost. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your whole family holiday because these people have just decided to do away with kind of boundary setting for their child.

Agreed it's infuriating.

This is the OP and family's precious (and likely costly) holiday, too. Not group therapy.

The other family should have been up front about the difficulties before the holiday was booked.

OP, if you cannot change accommodation, I would offer to take their older children with you on outings or to the beach, while the six-year-old and her parents do something else. Six people's experience shouldn't be ruined by the issues of one.

The parents chose to have a third child and the outcome is unfortunate but it is not everyone else' problem.

THIS. My two older kids were usually very well behaved but my little one is off the wall and sounds like this girl.

Are you sharing a villa or at a hotel complex? I think you have to take time out from being with the other family as much as possible (older children could still choose to hang out potentially) Shared villa will be harder to do this but not impossible if your happy to have days out and be up front you need some space without being unkind.

It sounds really unfair they have taken her on holiday.

Not just unfair on you but unfair on the poor girl who clearly cannot cope with it.

Parenting her won't mean she can take no any better. It may not change her reaction to no. But they shouldn't be expecting you to do as she says all the time to prevent her reactions. And she'll never have the chance to learn to accept no if she's never given it.

Also if they know she's about to throw your stuff in the pool they should stop her. They need to be watching her like a hawk because they know what the risks of her being upset and overwhelmed are.

This situation isn't fair on anyone tbh. Least of all a disabled child who was already struggling in a familiar environment being taken somewhere strange.

That's what I was going to say.

Absolutely fair enough to distance yourselves as much as you can on holiday but I'm sure they're at a total loss as to what to do. Your strategies are probably not going to help this child as they would have already tried that before she was permanently excluded from school.

I can’t speak to their parenting style or having a child with ASD but the crux of the issue is that they deliberately didn’t tell how challenging their dd’s behaviour is and effectively ruined your holiday before it’d even begun.

Completely unacceptable, selfish and inconsiderate. You’ve paid £££ for them to knowingly subject you and your family to their child’s violent outbursts. I’d have to reconsider our friendship if I was you OP.