Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

I was middle of three and I can tell you that my parents parented very differently with #3.
He was more awkward, they were more tired had more money and less time, so he got away with things that we wouldn't have even tried on. He admits now he's an adult that if they'd put a foot down he would have probably stropped but behaved differently. There was no question with us older two whether the foot would have been down.
There was also an expectation that we (especially) me would give way to make life easy for everyone.*

Thing was, lots of people saw the different behaviour, and some commented on it to me (as an adult) but my parents would swear they'd treated him the same as us. I remember one time as a teen saying I'd had enough and on this occasion I wouldn't compromise, and dm saying "In that case I will never ask #3 to compromise again" and looking at her in complete bewilderment and saying "you never do anyway." And she was terribly indignant-but she never ever asked him to even when it meant the rest of us tiptoeing round awkwardly.

• I will comment he's managed to turn out a pretty reasonable adult, but he had a lot of growing up to do and especially learning that the rest of the world wouldn't compromise round him all the time.

I wouldn't holiday sharing accommodation with another family with one child with ADHD as it would stress us all out. I do think her behaviour being like this she should have prepped you better, it's sound like her DD isn't coping very well with it either.

Because her brain can't regulate in the way a toddler can't.
I agree with parents when they want the classification back because ASD can mean a SEN school, possibly residential care later on, on a one-to-one, or even two-to-one care package. It is worlds apart from main stream education, social difficulties and masking, autism. You'll see on care jobs, severe challenging and violent behaviour with the use of restraint listed. This is the client base.
Unless you know that the parents are rejecting medication and other interventions, you can't call them bad parents.

At no point has OP claimed to be an "expert". What a ridiculous post, OP isn't looking for validation only how to salvage what is meant to be a relaxing time on holiday which is proving to be anything but, including her own DD being assaulted.

No they do not. That is not an issue that can be medicated.

Surely you can just ask them to give you some time to yourselves. No need to run and hide, just say that it is not fun for your kids to be abused when you have spent all this money on a holiday. If they take offence then you know the friendship has run its course.

I think the husband is a bit of a dick to run off and leave the women to manage his daughter. It can hardly have escaped his notice that her behaviour is put of the ordinary.

So giving in all the time is a strategy they have chosen? Ask them how it's working for them. I mean it. And then tell them what everyone knows : ALL children need boundaries, rules routines and SEN children even more than others. My autistic but verbal DS used to throw fits when younger when he didn't get his way. We actively chose what battles to take and those involved eating on set times (blood sugar), basic hygiene, safety and respecting others: no violence/hurtful behaviour(if it happened he got removed asap, crying screaming whatever and to a calm place where he could calm down and where we made it clear with few words: you hit/push/whatever you're out.). In the long run it works and in the short term everyone gets a breather except the parent who deals with him so alternate is key.

Seems like your friends have opted out of their parenting duties (however hard they might be, been there) and you are ALL paying the price. Talk to your friend if you want to help her and depending on her reaction spend time with/without her DD..

I think you will find it can be .

My son is almost 9 and we have had very few holidays, because we know that A) It overwhelms him and he can become completely unregulated and B) Because we wouldn’t expect others to just put up with any behaviours he has. We tend to do 1-2 stays or day trips.

It may seem easier to them to just let her do whatever she wants, but actually it’s neglectful and they need to seek support in other ways. They are not helping her to self regulate or to understand how to calm herself down.

Ultimately I do think it’s very ignorant of your friends to have not at least warned you. If she’s been expelled or suspended from her primary school, this isn’t a one off event is it.

Absolutely seek different accommodation or just tell them you’ll be doing other things as a family seperately each day as you are overwhelmed too.

There are no medications for autism.

Unless diagnosed with ADHD, they most likely wouldn't be offered ADHD medication either.

Yeah I dont get this either. Saying yes to her isnt exactly working either is it?

If saying yes worked she wouldnt be acting angry, aggressive and distressed so that strategy is clearly useless

It’s something other than adhd/asd - I would bet money on it.

Medication?
I also have a severely autistic non verbal teen ,very challenging behaviour ,he never been offered medication..

Mu grandson is autistic, demand avoidance, adhd and other S.N's...hes violent at times usually with frustration but....he has basic rules and boundaries otherwise itd be hell let loose...we have to adapt the rules etc but we dont change the boundaries. Being spoiled because someone has SEN is making a rod for your own back. Tbh its holiday for everyone, so i wouldnt go again as a group if her parents cannot set boundaries.

Her behaviour is "not how autism works" either

They must surely realise the holiday isn’t working. Or are they just carrying on as if nothing’s wrong despite all these incidents? You sound like you’ve had chats with the parents about the child - has nobody mentioned she might be happier just going home?

Brace yourself for waves of apologists for this behaviour talking about her complex needs. Find other accommodation and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Meanwhile the op and her kids have to sacrifice their holiday in the process. I disagree.

They can’t say no? Of course they can. It doesn’t exactly sound like they get a good response when they say yes.. so what’s the point of that?
I would move to another accommodation.

and how does a child that young know language like that?!

Why did you all sit in the car and not just get out when you arrived/drive off( not sure if you meant arriving or leaving)?

If I was her mum I would be saying to you please go and do your thing away from us as it's not fair on you guys. Maybe you are going to have to say to her in a polite way that you need time away with just your family and try and separate from now on. Honesty is the best policy. Never saying no to the child won't work atall she still needs boundaries and discipline regardless of her Sen. They are making a monster.

It’s very sad that your friends are obviously struggling with their child’s behaviour, however, you cannot change or help the circumstances if they are going to carry on as they are.

This is not your responsibility.
You and your family deserve a peaceful holiday too.
You were given no indication that this would be the dynamic when you agreed to go.

Find yourself alternative accommodation nearby and meet up with friends on your terms and only if you feel you can.

See this is what I don't understand. She only has outbursts if she can't get what she wants. Is that really ADHD/Autism or just bad behaviour that has never been challenged?

Firstly, you need to put your children first. In a nice calm way, you can exit the holiday. Lie if it makes it easier for you.

From experience, thinking that the child has diagnosis perhaps other than ASD. Parents may have been told to not react to behavior if it’s felt child does behavior to get an upset/exciting response from others. It’s a “any attention is good attention” situation, so it may look like parents are not setting boundaries but it’s just another set of rules for some kids. The parents might know from experience child goes into nuclear explosion or meltdown if “too highly aroused” by shouting, time out etc.

I am wondering if they have had genetic test to eliminate certain syndromes which can have very challenging behavior that is nearly impossible to manage.

The other mum is probably dying inside, thought could do something “normal” but it’s not working out.
Maybe can keep contact with her on SM, or when her child at school. Long walks or something.

Good luck to both families.

I agree with this tbh.

I'm sure you've heard the expression ' if you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism'.

She sounds extremely challenging but I wouldn't be in a rush to blame their parenting in other words.

It's not fair your holiday is being ruined though.