Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

You need to steer clear of them and fo your own thing on holiday with your own family. As a teacher I have had to deal with this sort of thing a lot. This child needs boundaries, regardless of whether she'll kick off. They are doing her no favours. See if you can switch villas; otherwise stay away as much as possible. Explain to the parents that you were upset to have your bag thrown into the pool. The parents need to understand that in the real world actions have consequences. Tell them that you don't want your children listening to that bad language. Be boundaried, but don't cancel your holiday.

What I don’t understand is that people here say OP needs to have more ‘compassion’ towards this ND child. Whilst it must be an absolute nightmare for the parents of the little girl in question, OP & her family has every right to enjoy her holiday in peace without being subjected to abuse. Swearing, throwing furniture & damaging OP’s items. You can hold your friends’s hand but it doesn’t mean you have to be subjected to this horrible behaviour ND or not. It may be easier for your old friends to parent if you’re not around OP because they can concentrate on tending to their child more. Going on holiday with someone is tricky. We all know how expensive it is to go away these days especially in August. You must have worked your butt off all year for this trip. I’d either change accommodation or speak to your friends and explain to them how you feel OP

They’ve done wrong not to tell you what she was like before the holiday. Can you move hotels or just spend the days with your family only? Their poor 15 year old!

I don’t think there’s any point trying to work out how the DD could be better parented. Your friend’s DH is already at his wits end, your friend probably isn’t having a great time either but may see no other choice. She’s probably been doing the best she can. You may well be right that the DD would do better with some routine, but that doesn’t mean that’s the advice your friend needs from you right now. And even if it was it’s highly unlikely that a routine instigated now would make the holiday better.

I think you should look for alternative accommodation, apologize to your friend for ditching them but tell her, as kindly as you can, that there is no way you can stay and subject your kids to this environment as their holiday. If you can get some accommodation close enough, you could arrange meet ups with, say, just you and the mum for an evening. If it would be well received and you want to, offer for their older DCs to stay with you, it sounds like they could use a break from their sister. If you feel up to it (I don’t think I would), offer to take the DD for a few hours one afternoon or evening so your friend and her DH can have a small amount of respite.

Try to be clear about your needs without criticising her parenting. If she asks for suggestions tell her what worked for your DS and your experience of trying different things, of getting over the hard parts, of how long it took for helpful approaches to have an impact. Etc. And point her towards resources. But don’t be another voice that just tells her she’s doing things wrong and, in effect, that it’s her fault. Even if it’s the case, it’s not going to help her change.

That's not exactly what was said though so not sure why it's in quotation marks.
You've added in the ever part yourself. They try not to rock the boat when at home, that's clear.
The child's mother also said

but its harder to give in all the time when not at home

which implies outside the home they do say no sometimes.

Finally! Someone who knows what they're talking about. Very well said.

On reflection, the person I am extremely unimpressed with in this situation is the friend's DH! How dare he dump his disregulated daughter on a woman and a girl who are virtual strangers, leaving his wife to carry the can? Awful.

Yes, but dont go on holiday with another family then!

If the messaging from her parents is ‘we can’t say no ever’ then she is being let down.

We don't know enough about the situation to judge @Merryoldgoat.

I was told years ago, the only thing more difficult than a disabled child is a spoilt disabled child. So it may be because she’s always got her own way.

Or, along with ASD she may have oppositional defiance disorder. I’ve work with a very similar child, who you could not say no to. I’d have to reword everything so it sounded like her idea. However, I made it very clear (she was 9 so it was easier) that once she was ten years old, if she hit me, spat at me etc, then I would be calling the police. She never once touched me - although she still did to others.

I can only sympathise OP. You’ll need to distance yourself if you want to rescue your holiday. Sad as it sounds, your friends problems are not yours. I’m guessing you’ve saved for this holiday and want to enjoy it?

Because the child has no boundaries or consistency.

My son started spitting (urgh). The school and I discussed how to try to limit it, put things into practice consistently and it got sorted fast.

If I was leaving him to spit and school tried to stop it of course it would end up a mess.

This child is being let down by her parents.

I agree.

I have 2 older children - late teens- who are just great kids, always have been. I suppose that's down to good parenting. Then we had our younger child (ASD - PDA profile-ADHD & Uncontrolled epilepsy) & our whole lives changed.

Like a PP has said, it sounds like they haven't worked out yet how to meet the very complex needs of their child. It's a long, tough road where you feel like you're going insane as every parenting tactic you've ever developed doesn't work.

DC3 is now 12 & we're still learning how he responds to the world. I grieve for the life we should have, but it is what it is.

They should NEVER have gone on a holiday a) abroad b) with other people. They may just be desperate for a break, but that shouldn't mean they go somewhere their child is dysregulated, & others are so negatively affected.

Speak to them gently & say you're changing accomodation & why. Sympathise (because their life is hard with a child with PDA, I can assure you ), but you can't let it ruin your holiday.

100%

Not a single practitioner - SALT / OT / Paediatrician etc would ever recommend just giving a child anything they want.

The parents say yes to everything.

I doubt the school does?
OP's DD didn't.

I don't think your point holds.

You are likely witnessing the child at her worst. The lack of parenting in general is one factor. Then add in the change in environment and all the extra people and it is stressful for a child with ASD.

as an ASD parent you know we sometimes cut our children a bit of extra slack on holiday because of the stress involved. Not letting them run wild, just being understanding about what is going on and not fighting every battle. My own child eats a lot of strange meals on holiday, but at least she eats is my mantra.

so you aren’t getting a perfect picture of your friends parenting. That doesn’t change the fact that this is a stressful situation for everyone.

I would look for somewhere else to stay. You could still meet up for some activities if you want, but with more space there would be less of a powder keg situation. Everyone, including the ASD child will probably calm down a bit.

I honestly understand - my younger boy is 6 and is like a baby rhinoceros crossed with a wrecking ball.

We don’t go out to eat except for The Harvester for breakfast because it’s the only place we are guaranteed peace.

Not just disabled, but completely out of control

It sounds like the parents may be overwhelmed and are dealing with it by just letting her away with everything, but I don't get how not telling her off is helping her in any way. It's just making her think there are no boundaries or rules. ND or not, she shouldn't be allowed to be so nasty with no consequences. Could you just distance yourself and stay away from them?

Yep- it's not bloody working is it? she's just been expelled from school.

Saying yes to everything is NOT working. If it was, she wouldnt be in this situation now with school and the holiday. People keep saying ah well maybe thats the only thing that works.....but it's clearly not working so I dont know why people keep suggesting it

I fully under that they are “broken” by her.
I’m on holiday with 5 year old who has, yet again, ruined the entire evening meal for all of us with another horrendous screaming tantrum. I’m broken. I’m done. It’s unbearable 😪😪😪

Get mad OP because this says it all

My friends DH and 2 older kids can't cope with her

Which means the adults knew it would be stressful and hoped to spread the load a bit, hoping your DD would entertain her and they would get some rest. They have not been upfront deliberately

But it's ok to talk about locking the child up or attacking her🤔
My child is severely autistic and has very challenging behaviour

I think it's very wrong for the parents not to tell the op about the child's behaviour before the holiday and I would never inflict my child's behaviour on another family
But some of these comments are disgusting, this is a six year old disabled child.

Strategy so far: give her everything she wants and never tell her when she's out if line. Do you really believe anyone would recommand this?

I would be heartbroken if my friend did this to me.
Sincerely, mum of an autistic PDA child

Perhaps your friend would be heartbroken that their children's annual holiday was ruined?