Holiday with another family and behaviour of their ASD child

Yes clearly they should have thought about that before they put their name down for a disabled child, the irresponsible feckers. Not like you and your nice family. Well done.

Her parents have two older children who don't appear to have behavioural problems
which includes one who has a lock on his bedroom door and wants to go and live with his grandmother.

I'm not talking about the parents. The parents in this case have recognised the problems and have decided not to stay on the complex during the day as a result. I'm talking about a lot of the comments on here which focus on the needs of one child to the exclusion of everyone else. There needs to be some balance.

To be fair to the parents in this case, they do seem to be trying to adjust now they've realised how difficult their youngest child is finding the situation.

I disagree that the reason the parents decided not to stay on the complex during the day is due to them recognising the problems for the child I surmise it is because, as the OP has said, several other guests have complained about them whether that is to them directly or to hotel management or both I don't know.

I think you're projecting a lot there @Axelotylbottle.

I obviously don't know this family, but most parents try to consider all their children's needs. That they may be failing in these circumstances may be a reflection of how challenging their daughter's disability is, rather than their incompetence or laziness as parents. It is very easy to judge.

I know my own autistic DC finds holidays or days out challenging, but he also loves them and looks forward to them. His behaviour on holiday is quite a bit more difficult to manage than it is at home, but it isn't fair on him or on his siblings to stay home all the time just because it's less stressful for me as a parent.

We have a young family member who has PDD in the context of a genetic syndrome. It is incredibly hard for his parents and sibling. It impacts every aspect of their lives. He is regularly excluded from school but has been denied funding for a special school. Even most special schools will not take him as he has normal intelligence despite his extremely challenging behaviour.

The description that a PP put of Timmy is a lot like his behaviour. Being asked to do or to stop doing something triggers an almighty meltdown which, as he gets older, is actually dangerous. His parents are covered in scratches bruises and bit marks. He has smashed up their house pretty comprehensively too eg games console controller through the TV screen, holes in the walls.

I would love to be able to babysit to give his parents a break but honestly I don't know if I could manage it. I have offered to try and to follow their strategies but his parents feel he really can't be left with anyone else. I usually end up just taking his sibling instead which is nice for them but doesn't help his parents.

Trying to include him in family events is challenging. Going out for a meal or staying in a hotel is close to impossible. A picnic outside or camping is more likely to be successful. Even inviting to our house carries a risk of my kids stuff (or actually my kids) getting smashed up.

They don't try to get him to sit at the table, eat any food he doesn't want (resulting in all beige diet), wear appropriate clothes or say please and thank you and this is understood as rudeness by older relatives I'm afraid. He spends a lot of time gaming and watching YouTube videos on topics he is obsessed about on a loop and being asked to do anything different to that is a problem. The description of 'Timmy' throwing something in the pool the next visit rings a bell. Our relative will often seem to do stuff that js provocative even when appearing calm and it does look deliberate. I can try to understand that but my kids really don't.

I do understand that the best way to manage him is to reduce demands but what is needed is so different to 'normal life' that I do wonder how will he ever manage to function when he grows up because the world is full of demands. I just hope he can learn strategies to cope in the end.

If anyone who lives with this can suggest what they would find helpful for a family member to do I'd be interested as I hate to see them suffer but am stumped as to how to help. They don't want to talk about it. I think they feel disloyal to complain about their son. They often decline invites or offers that I make and don't suggest what would be more helpful. They have said it's such a struggle day to day that offers of visits or days out are just more stress but it results in their lives being very constrained. They do accept my taking his sibling out but then I feel bad for leaving out the SEN kid but they say he prefers to stay home anyway.

Yes, plenty of us who smuggly assumed our children were decently behaved due to our superior parenting, ability to hold boundaries, [insert phrase of your choice], got our comeuppance with a disabled child later down the tracks. Very different scenario. Lots of people seem to assume that every child can be 'normal' if they are parented in the right way. It's like people struggle to understand what having different capacities actually is.

I’m confused. Why can’t they say no to her? That’s not going help the situation. She knows if she screams and shouts loud enough she will get her way.

A village that has some experience and a small bit of knowledge about the subject under discussion would be nice 😉

Nobody is disagreeing that it would have been better to have a discussion with OP prior to the holiday - to allow her to make a more informed choice. Nobody. That was clearly a mistake on the parents' part and there is no need to keep reiterating that.

Unfortunately the parents are being judged on much more than that on here. That they are struggling is clear. Lots of us do. Disability affects the whole family and it's usually challenging. Strategies take years to work out and this child is only 6. And they don't always work all the time anyway.

Society isn't very supportive. Some of you are lucky enough not to have experienced that. That's the main difference between you and these parents you are criticising - luck. You just don't realise that.

I wonder what the other kids and the parents from the girls school have experienced and what they would tell us

Yes, you sock it to them, naughty selfish thoughtless carers of a disabled child, for having a holiday. What were they thinking, imagining they could enjoy the same things normal people enjoy. Shame on them.

So it's have a holiday at any cost, even if it causes huge distress and dysregulation in a child with complex SEND needs? Sounds like she's having a pretty awful time. The family seem head in sand about her needs - they've minimised her exclusion from school, I wonder how much they've rejected what the school's told them. This is not in the best interests of that child, nor her siblings (one of whom wants to leave home).

The fact they didn't tell OP the extent of the problem is because they're ignoring /minimising their child's needs. If the OP drawing a boundary helps them wake up a little (though I'm sure the school tried a lot before exclusion happened) then that's a good thing for that child (regardless of the need for other people to be considered and not just one child). We don't know the situation of all the other people on that complex. There may well be disabled children, children with SEND for whom this child's behaviour will be very distressing. One child doesn't trump everyone else's needs. Sounds as if the family themselves are at least recognising this by their decision to stay off complex during the day.

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong, I think she's been incredibly accommodating and kind in the circumstances (of no previous information allowing informed consent to the holiday).

So it's have a holiday at any cost, even if it causes huge distress and dysregulation in a child with complex SEND needs? Sounds like she's having a pretty awful time. The family seem head in sand about her needs - they've minimised her exclusion from school, I wonder how much they've rejected what the school's told them. This is not in the best interests of that child, nor her siblings (one of whom wants to leave home).

The fact they didn't tell OP the extent of the problem is because they're ignoring /minimising their child's needs. If the OP drawing a boundary helps them wake up a little (though I'm sure the school tried a lot before exclusion happened) then that's a good thing for that child (regardless of the need for other people to be considered and not just one child). We don't know the situation of all the other people on that complex. There may well be disabled children, children with SEND for whom this child's behaviour will be very distressing. One child doesn't trump everyone else's needs. Sounds as if the family themselves are at least recognising this by their decision to stay off complex during the day.

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong, I think she's been incredibly accommodating and kind in the circumstances (of no previous information allowing informed consent to the holiday).

I have a lot of empathy for someone who's got two (presumably) neurotypical older children who've (presumably) been through the school system successfully. Her youngest is only 6, possibly just finishing year 1. She probably won't have known what questions to ask or what she should have been doing to prevent them managing her out.

I am not being sexist but acknowledging that SEN hassle tends to fall almost entirely on the mother.

Old friends with two older kids who are ‘parented properly’ what is the likelihood they’ve suddenly become crap parents to number three?

That they’ve dropped all the routines and boundaries they had with the older ones and decided just to let her do what she likes? Versus that she has such high, complex needs that they’ve found all their ordinary discipline and boundaries and parenting don’t work and they haven’t yet figured out what does,

Sounds like they need support and kindness not abandoning and criticising by old friends.

Old friends with two older kids who are ‘parented properly’ what is the likelihood they’ve suddenly become crap parents to number three?

That they’ve dropped all the routines and boundaries they had with the older ones and decided just to let her do what she likes? Versus that she has such high, complex needs that they’ve found all their ordinary discipline and boundaries and parenting don’t work and they haven’t yet figured out what does,

Sounds like they need support and kindness not abandoning and criticising by old friends.