AIBU? Bridesmaid and childcare

What’s the point of being annoyed, OP? Your bridesmaid has a baby. She isn’t going to stay the night before. You don’t have to stress about it, just make sure you have plans in place that accommodate things being that way. Her baby has to be her priority. It doesn’t mean she isn’t still the great friend you asked to do this. Just that she now has a critical responsibility she has to try and wrap this around.

Don’t plan to give her any tasks before the ceremony that can’t easily be handed off to someone else. Don’t plan some hugely time consuming hair and makeup requirement for the bridesmaids. If you think there’s a chance she won’t get to the ceremony on time then make sure there’s a seat at the end of the row for her to slip into. Ask one of your other bridesmaids (a level headed one with good judgement and low drama) to liaise with her on the day so you don’t have to worry about it. Get on with your morning with the other bridesmaids and just be glad when she turns up and adds to the excitement.

It doesn’t matter if she’s there or not. Obviously it would be nice if she was but it’s not critical. There are going to be lots of other people to celebrate with. The only ones truly critical are you and the groom. Don’t let what should be a day of joy have a negative impact on your friendships.

Whilst our wedding was child free (not really sure why, but it was) it wasn't even a question about bridesmaids' children: they're a package deal and of course they were there. Both in terms of level of friendship and children's relationships with us and the fact we were asking their mums to be absent all day. If you want her there the night before, invite child and dad too.

And have you offered to pay for a room for her mum for the two nights so she could then stay both nights and have baby on site?

This. If she has a two hour journey, I'm sure she won't be late!
What's the start time?

YABVU I wouldn't have left either of mine for even one night!

What time is your wedding that she can't get there in 2 hours?

If only you'd picked better friends, ones without babies before you're married.

Me too! I don't have children and even I think the OP is being so massively unreasonable that if I were the friend, I'd tell her to shove it.

She is spending one night away and not everyone is like you.

I would never have left mine even for a night when they were baby, even now they are older I wouldn’t go for 2 nights. Not everyone wants to leave their kids that’s their choice.

Her baby's rightly more important. If I was her I wouldn't attend at all. A real friend wouldn't expect her to leave her baby. Yes you're being a bridezilla.

None of my bridesmaids had children at the time of my wedding and I didn't expect any of them to stay with me the night before or after the wedding!

Back in the day people would get married in their home town so not far to travel for the guests depending on where they lived.

Yes you are being a bridezilla. I wouldn't agree to leave my baby for even one night for anyone's wedding so I think she's being amazing agreeing to this.

Traditionally it was the hen and stag. When they were moved to an earlier date, people arranged a get-together, which would include anyone travelling for the wedding. Going back in time, yes the night before involved swapping houses and people staying with each other, having a drink etc.

So, the hen do (often multiple nights away) the night before the wedding,
the day and evening of the wedding? Crikey….

That all sounds very civilised and lovely….I had my best friend and sister for food and drinks I think.(too long ago)
To be expected to attend as a basic wedding requirement is ridiculous, why does everything become ‘a thing’

Me and the other BM spent the wedding eve at the bride's house with her Mum. This was nearly 30 years ago.
It was lovely. None of the three of us had babies at the time though.

Once babies started arriving, I was available as a BM on the day of the wedding and no one was stupid about it.

I think some brides like to do a full on slumber party with bridesmaids.

Are wedding ‘eves’ now a thing….?!

You have to give her space to say what she can and can't do, what she wants to do and what she does not want to do. If her baby will be one year old, next year, her baby is very small now so she cannot possibly know what she will feel like, and you cannot possibly know what she feels now, let alone what she will feel like in several months time. There are women who do not spend a night away from their children, for years and years on end. Whether you agree with them or not, is irrelevant. You have asked, she has offered what she can, you can accept that offer or you can tell her that her commitment to your wedding and your friendship is not enough, but you will lose, regardless of what she decides and you will hurt her and hurt your friendship.

You are being totally unreasonable frankly with your “basic expectation”!

Yeah definitely, and if that’s what they enjoy spending their money on, fair play!

You sounds bloody awful. I’ve also just seen you have children- and yet you feel this way!! Awful.

Oh well. I think nowadays couples have much more disposable income and can afford to pay for all that sort of thing.

Because there is no Uni Mind or manifesto that we all sign up to? People have differing views in different circumstances on different threads.

There is no general consensus and doesn't need to be.