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Original poster

Annoyed at MIL

93 replies

Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:16

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 00:36

Namenamchange · 21/08/2024 00:25

That's very strange, my dc would have been so embarrassed to have a bath with anyone at that age. Speak to her and tell her that no one will be sharing a bed, ask her why she is so obsessed with them sleeping in the big bed. Get DH to speak to her and start questioning her. Don't cover it up with silence, get it out int he open.

Show quote history

I went out briefly tonight and came back to this nonsense which is why I made the post as I was really mad inside. I took some time to calm down and sat my DH and I am so disappointed. I expected him to understand objectively where I am coming from and his first response is oh you think my DN would do something etc 🙄. I clearly said it's not because I am accusing him or thinking of him like that but I would rather avoid it. I think I have made myself clear to him at least and expect him to use his voice when it's clearly very uncomfortable and awkward for me to do so given it's his family. However, if he doesn't and she tries again, I won't hold back.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 21/08/2024 00:25

Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:50

He does and when I've said.no before he does that "oooh" like I am being the bad one

Show quote history

That's very strange, my dc would have been so embarrassed to have a bath with anyone at that age. Speak to her and tell her that no one will be sharing a bed, ask her why she is so obsessed with them sleeping in the big bed. Get DH to speak to her and start questioning her. Don't cover it up with silence, get it out int he open.

Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:59

heartbroken22 · 20/08/2024 23:52

@Gifgaf I'd ask him if it was the norm when he was young to bathe with young cousins of the opposite gender.

If it's related to DH then yes but not sure if he ever showered with the opposite gender. My DM always tells me to not let them have their way with my DH to simply keep this grandson happy because she says he might see her differently and it's always stuck in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:58

heartbroken22 · 20/08/2024 23:51

It sounds really creepy like she's doing it purposefully for what reason... heck I would not let my 7 year old nor my toddler or baby bathe with a cousin that's 10 years old. Is she okay in the head? Hate to ask this but since we're talking about abuse. Do you have any suspicions towards her? Just don't get why any grandma would do this. Besides getting some perverse joy out of it.

I am so glad that others actually understand where I am coming from because for a long time they made me feel like I was wrong! I don't have a suspicion that he would do anything but I'd rather avoid it because you simply never know how people turn as they get older. When I was a child my cousin started having weird feelings towards me and wanted to kiss me or say he wants to marry me and he was 1.5 years younger than me but I am too ashamed to tell them this. My SIL was sexually abused by a close family member when she was a kid as she was left in his "trusted care". However, they will never see this kid as bad because or want to do bad and that may well be the case but I will sleep much better at night if my daughter's are not.in a bath or a bed with him.

OP posts:
heartbroken22 · 20/08/2024 23:52

@Gifgaf I'd ask him if it was the norm when he was young to bathe with young cousins of the opposite gender.

heartbroken22 · 20/08/2024 23:51

It sounds really creepy like she's doing it purposefully for what reason... heck I would not let my 7 year old nor my toddler or baby bathe with a cousin that's 10 years old. Is she okay in the head? Hate to ask this but since we're talking about abuse. Do you have any suspicions towards her? Just don't get why any grandma would do this. Besides getting some perverse joy out of it.

Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:50

Namenamchange · 20/08/2024 23:41

Maybe he doesn't want to and the Mil thinks its cute and just says he wants too.

Op either you or dh have to say something, get it out in the open and discuss it

Show quote history

He does and when I've said.no before he does that "oooh" like I am being the bad one

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 20/08/2024 23:41

Ohlittleone · 20/08/2024 23:27

I also find it really bizarre that a 10 year old would want to have a bath with a toddler. Not saying that there is anything sinister in it, I just find it strange and would definitely not be comfortable with it.

Maybe he doesn't want to and the Mil thinks its cute and just says he wants too.

Op either you or dh have to say something, get it out in the open and discuss it

Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:40

Timeforaglassofwine · 20/08/2024 23:36

I think you are going to have to be firm and straight with her, this is the only way you will trust her. Don't leave stuff like this for your dh to sort.

I agree, he's shown me I can't trust him to deal with this stuff at all! I do plan to bring this up to her but need to find the opportunity to avoid them making me out to be this horrible DIL who wants to be difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:38

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 20/08/2024 23:30

I think you need to be very assertive with her and set some strong boundaries. Where is your dp in all this? He needs to be on side and have a word with her.

I've told him before that I am not comfortable and don't want my daughters to shower with him/ share beds at night. However, he also sees it as innocent and thinks I am just being a hater or difficult. I do plan to make it very clear again to him because I am not ok with it! I have tried to take my eldest and talk in a gentle manner that I am happy with her sharing a bed or bath but she is a kid and.only sees the "fun" side. I don't really know how else to approach it.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 20/08/2024 23:36

I think you are going to have to be firm and straight with her, this is the only way you will trust her. Don't leave stuff like this for your dh to sort.

Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:35

Ohlittleone · 20/08/2024 23:27

I also find it really bizarre that a 10 year old would want to have a bath with a toddler. Not saying that there is anything sinister in it, I just find it strange and would definitely not be comfortable with it.

My eldest is 7 and youngest 2. It's not that he's an intentioned boy but I would much rather avoid at all costs because you simply never know! My MIL is way too attached.her grandson and will never see any wrong when it invovles him

OP posts:
Hoardasauruskaren · 20/08/2024 23:32

Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:22

Thank you! I didn't want to say it out loud but that is exactly why it makes me very uncomfortable. A while back when it was just my DD she used to put them in the bath with no underwear until I got angry and said she's not allowed to take her pants off. I intentionally shower them separately to avoid these "baths" however, she takes the opportunity as soon as I need to head out. It's happened twice now in 2 days.

Show quote history

You’re doing the right thing OP! In my extended family there was historical sex abuse of a relative from age 2- 12 by another older child. It does happen a lot and ppl are very naive about it! Best just to ensure the opportunity doesn’t arise! Mil isn’t in charge of your child, you are! She needs to back off a bit! It’s strange that she is so determined to put these kids together when there is a big age gap!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 20/08/2024 23:30

I think you need to be very assertive with her and set some strong boundaries. Where is your dp in all this? He needs to be on side and have a word with her.

Ohlittleone · 20/08/2024 23:27

I also find it really bizarre that a 10 year old would want to have a bath with a toddler. Not saying that there is anything sinister in it, I just find it strange and would definitely not be comfortable with it.

Ohlittleone · 20/08/2024 23:25

I wouldn't be letting her watch them alone if she was ignoring your boundaries on this (and I 100% agree with your boundaries).

Original poster
Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:22

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 23:18

YANBU and make sure that you get your dd to sleep with you.

Child on child sexual abuse is sadly very common.

Thank you! I didn't want to say it out loud but that is exactly why it makes me very uncomfortable. A while back when it was just my DD she used to put them in the bath with no underwear until I got angry and said she's not allowed to take her pants off. I intentionally shower them separately to avoid these "baths" however, she takes the opportunity as soon as I need to head out. It's happened twice now in 2 days.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 23:18

YANBU and make sure that you get your dd to sleep with you.

Child on child sexual abuse is sadly very common.

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