Page 2 | Annoyed at MIL

WickedSerious · 21/08/2024 09:40

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 21/08/2024 06:19

Oh that is ridiculous and you are awful for saying that with absolutely no proof or basis

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Apart from the constant creepy behaviour and the MIL ignoring the OP's wishes like.

Spotnessmonster · 21/08/2024 09:40

Maybe approach it more to do with boundaries and how kids don't know the difference of sharing a bed with cousins being okay, but a friends brother for example, not being okay. By a flat no to baths and showers/sharing beds with anyone your protecting her long term.

That stops the accusation that u have the issue with the nephew and it's more a case of safeguarding your daughter's from 'everyone else'

GabriellaMontez · 21/08/2024 09:38

You have a DH problem. He's not onboard. Until he is this will probably continue.

It's very unusual 10 year old behaviour. I wouldn't be happy.

Never stay there again.

Meanwhile, you say you're worried about saying something straight to her face.

Ask yourself why you're worried, but she's not. She continues to do exactly as she pleases regardless of how it makes you feel. It's time to turn the tables.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/08/2024 09:38

@Gifgaf be very very careful! my hubby worked on a case many years ago and literally, all bros and sisters and couins were have incestuous sexual relations with each other when they were very young!!

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 21/08/2024 09:34

Next holiday stay elsewhere.. Your stress levels will drop and mil will learn the hard way.

Carebearsonmybed · 21/08/2024 09:30

It's odd and disturbing that a 10yo boy is seeking out/asking for intimate situations with a toddler girl.

Usually by that age kids want privacy for themselves when they bathe/get undressed. It shows a lack of boundaries he has.

You should keep in the back of your mind that this boy may have been sexually abused and is seeking out your dd to 'make sense' of what happened to him. This isn't uncommon. Most very young 'sex offenders' are themselves victims.

Do not leave them alone in any situations ever.

Does the boy have any other unusual behaviour/signs of trauma?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/08/2024 09:27

@Gifgaf does your mother in law live with you? does the grandson live with mil? why would any mother or father think it is acceptable for your children to be bathing with their much older cousin?? I would not leave mil in charge of my kids again if I was you! not to be trusted!

Topseyt123 · 21/08/2024 09:23

She obviously needs to be told firmly and directly that this is absolutely NOT OK. Your DH clearly won't do it so you will have to.

You won't be able to be firm and direct without saying things to her face.

2chocolateoranges · 21/08/2024 09:23

If she can’t respect your boundaries then she doesn’t get left alone with your children. Easy solution.

Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 09:18

Sawitch · 21/08/2024 09:09

Are you staying with MIL for a holiday or is it an ongoing issue even when you're at home?

If it's just for a holiday I'd say don't go out without your DC as obviously your DH can't be trusted to do as you've asked.

If it's an ongoing issue I'd be inclined not to have MIL and the grandson at your house together if you can't be there all the time.

My DSis was abused by a 10 year old boy. It happens!

So sorry to hear that! We are only visiting for the holidays.

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Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 09:13

tailofthecock · 21/08/2024 09:05

@FictionalCharacter what an awful thing to have happened to you; I'm so sorry. I totally understand why you would also hate the women as much as the rapist.

@Gifgaf "Speaking with my DH just pissed me off even more so I will express more firmly to my MIL that it's not ok and let them think of me however they want." - absolutely. you need to stand up for and advocate for your DD as she can't/won't be able to.

The reasons why you're mad (sleeping/bathing arrangements) are almost inconsequential to the fact that MIL and DH appear to have no regard for the privacy and dignity for their 7 year old grandchild/daughter or no respect for your wishes on safeguarding your child. Unholy inappropriate to disregard a mothers stated boundaries for their child.

I will always advocate to the best of my ability for my daughter's because I know what I have been subject to many times and no one ever advocated for me. I am pretty upset with DH because it took for me to share something uncomfortable that happened to me in order for him to "understand", when really it should have clicked the first time with me there or not. My DD used to take me to her DS house after school and her DH used to make really uncomfortable comments about my body features and I knew it was wrong but she still took me there many times. The issue is so many family members are almost blind to seeing any wrong when it comes to their own and that's why there are probably so many bad cases of things going wrong. I really limit my kids to a lot of things for their own safety but my DH when it comes to his family, I am the one in the wrong in his eyes.

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Madamecholetsbonnet · 21/08/2024 09:10

Well obviously you can’t leave your DC unsupervised with ILS. DH is useless isn’t he?

How much longer are you stuck there? Can you come back early?

I would tell DH you and DC aren’t visiting MIL house again and will stay in hotel as she can’t be trusted.

Sawitch · 21/08/2024 09:09

Are you staying with MIL for a holiday or is it an ongoing issue even when you're at home?

If it's just for a holiday I'd say don't go out without your DC as obviously your DH can't be trusted to do as you've asked.

If it's an ongoing issue I'd be inclined not to have MIL and the grandson at your house together if you can't be there all the time.

My DSis was abused by a 10 year old boy. It happens!

tailofthecock · 21/08/2024 09:05

@FictionalCharacter what an awful thing to have happened to you; I'm so sorry. I totally understand why you would also hate the women as much as the rapist.

@Gifgaf "Speaking with my DH just pissed me off even more so I will express more firmly to my MIL that it's not ok and let them think of me however they want." - absolutely. you need to stand up for and advocate for your DD as she can't/won't be able to.

The reasons why you're mad (sleeping/bathing arrangements) are almost inconsequential to the fact that MIL and DH appear to have no regard for the privacy and dignity for their 7 year old grandchild/daughter or no respect for your wishes on safeguarding your child. Unholy inappropriate to disregard a mothers stated boundaries for their child.

Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 09:02

Elizo · 21/08/2024 08:54

I think these are entirely your decisions. DH needs to make it clear you and him decide about baths and sleeping arrangements

What do you do though when the mum has many times expressed no but the DH says yes while I am out ? I am hoping I was clear enough to him this time and he said it won't happen again but his body language was clearly pissed off.

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Elizo · 21/08/2024 08:54

I think these are entirely your decisions. DH needs to make it clear you and him decide about baths and sleeping arrangements

Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 08:52

Maria1979 · 21/08/2024 06:15

I won't get into the details because it really doesn't matter. You get to decide for your children obviously but you also need to be an adult and tell your Mil "NO, I prefer for her to sleep on her own" etc. My Mil never goes against my wishes out of respect. I also tell her that when she is having one of my DC I trust her judgment so she doesn't have to call me to ask about permission because I trust her judgment (which I do but she's so respectful of not going against my wishes that she keeps asking me if I'm OK with X anyway ").

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The issue is she is aware I don't allow that stuff but takes opportunities while I am not there. I imagine what happens is my DH agrees to it and then they think it's ok. I've also been a non-confrontational kind of person and suffer inside which I am trying to change but when it comes to my kids I have expressed before but no boundaries are being respected while I am away because when I am there I don't allow it. Speaking with my DH just pissed me off even more so I will express more firmly to my MIL that it's not ok and let them think of me however they want.

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Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 08:43

whalesonthebus · 21/08/2024 08:26

Sorry if I have missed it but what does the older boy’s mum (your SIL?) make of this? I’m completely in agreement with you and the majority of posters, and just wanted to add that I wouldn’t want my (theoretical) 10 yr old DS to be put in this position either.

She's just like them and has 0 regards for anything. They all view them like it's just kids having fun etc but not to my eyes.

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Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 08:38

FictionalCharacter · 21/08/2024 03:28

You will probably end up being the bad guy with MIL and your foolish DP, yes. Unfortunately that's the price to be paid for your daughter's safety and dignity. You will have to be very, very firm even if it means falling out with MIL and DP sulking.

I have had to say this too many times on MN because there are so many naïve people, but I was raped (more than once) by a family member when I was very little, in circumstances similar to what you're describing. And an idiot grandmother trusted a boy with me when she shouldn't have done. I've never forgiven the adults who should have protected me. When I grew older I hated my grandmother and mother for letting it happen. I hated them just as much as I hated the rapist. Don't let that happen to your little girl and you.

Your MIL is even worse because she's actively offering up your child to this boy, and deliberately waiting until your back is turned so that she can do it. The nephew has an abnormal and unhealthy interest in being in bed or a bath with a little girl. Boys of his age do have an interest in girls' bodies. She shouldn't be encouraging it. And your partner should be putting his own vulnerable child's safety and comfort first, not defending his nephew. Sadly it's common for men to assert that other men and boys are innocent, whether or not they are.

@pikkumyy77 is absolutely right. And you need to be strong now, not wibble about upsetting two extremely foolish adults who are not putting your precious, vulnerable child first. In the case of MIL I have to wonder if it's actually worse than foolishness, and she believes that men and boys should be given what they want, even if it means harming or upsetting girls. Frankly in your shoes I'd read MIL and DP the riot act, never let her be with my child again without me being in the room, keep the nephew away, and if that angers DP so much the relationship ends, so be it. That's a better outcome than your little girl ending up as damaged as me.

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Firstly, so sorry for what happened to you! You didn't deserve that and no child does.

I have expressed many times in the past that I am not ok with this kind of stuff to both DH and MIL. What's even worse is they refer to the grandson and ask if he wants to etc. It has caused tension in the past. I mentioned in the past she would throw them in the bath with no underwear & that really made me flip and then another time in my own house while I was putting my other to bed, I walk in to see my DD in a small bed sharing with grandson and it riled me up, I made her get out the bed and come sleep with me. I had another talk with DH and expressed that I am not one bit ok and first he defends by saying they were supervised which is not always the case and secondly completely missing the point and downplaying it like I just have an issue with her DN and I want to be difficult.

My DD is very close to my DH and it's like whatever he says she agrees straight away. I have told her as well many times before that I am not happy with her sharing a bed or bath etc but she is a kid and she only sees the "fun". The first time this week I went out to get something and came back a bit earlier to find them in the bath and I could see my MIL was not expecting me. I said to my DH if you can't respect my boundaries and look out for your own DH then I can't trust any of you to be alone around them.

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whalesonthebus · 21/08/2024 08:26

Sorry if I have missed it but what does the older boy’s mum (your SIL?) make of this? I’m completely in agreement with you and the majority of posters, and just wanted to add that I wouldn’t want my (theoretical) 10 yr old DS to be put in this position either.

Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 08:23

Mumtobabyhavoc · 21/08/2024 02:08

Why is the main concern mil's feelings at the expense if the children? Makes zero sense to me.
MIL, I have already bathed my dd. Do not do it.
End of. 🤷‍♀️

It happened while I wasn't there. I did express it loud enough to hear why they had a bath when I had just washed them this morning.

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Original poster

Gifgaf · 21/08/2024 08:21

HauntedbyMagpies · 21/08/2024 01:38

So you didn't put your foot down about the bed thing and now your DC is in bed with an older child but you don't want to say anything or step in and remove your DC to avoid a row? Or have I read that wrong? If that's the case then you're bang out of order for putting MIL's feelings before your DC's safety

You read it wrong, my DD slept with me but MIL jumped in prior to saying my DD and her grandson can share the bed which I didn't allow but it made me really mad. The bath thing has happened twice this week while I had to head out.

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FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 21/08/2024 06:26

" Idon't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions...."

Well, there you are: very worried about a situation involving your child, but you won't speak up. Clearly you need to say something.
What is it with people who do not challenge behaviours that are wrong/percieved to be wrong, particularly with kids involved?
It's very highly unlikely (but not impossble) this bathing situation is nefarious in it's intention, but if it is making you uncomfortable, say something
There's another post today moaning about the 'lot' of women. Much could be addressed by actualky speaking out and taking action.
In such instances, a rant on MN will make no difference; actions speak, actions make a difference

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 21/08/2024 06:19

MrsClatterbuck · 21/08/2024 01:00

Tbh what your Mil is doing looks very like grooming. Not sayings it is but she is definitely blurring the normal boundaries.

Oh that is ridiculous and you are awful for saying that with absolutely no proof or basis

Maria1979 · 21/08/2024 06:15

Gifgaf · 20/08/2024 23:16

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

I won't get into the details because it really doesn't matter. You get to decide for your children obviously but you also need to be an adult and tell your Mil "NO, I prefer for her to sleep on her own" etc. My Mil never goes against my wishes out of respect. I also tell her that when she is having one of my DC I trust her judgment so she doesn't have to call me to ask about permission because I trust her judgment (which I do but she's so respectful of not going against my wishes that she keeps asking me if I'm OK with X anyway ").