Annoyed at MIL

Also, just as some 9y/o girls are menstruating (I was), some ten y/o boys have urges… I wouldn’t be going there.

My DS just turned 11 and has friends who are girls and boys. They always sleep in different beds (bunkbed) and even get changed in separate rooms no matter wether it's a girl or a boy. It's all about boundaries. When they were way younger I gave them a bath together but that stopped when they were around 4-5. I think you are reasonable OP. My DS is very innocent but it's just normal to put boundaries in place.

Nothing ott with wanting to keep your daughter safe.

You sound really sensible and doing all the right things. Can you avoid leaving your dc while they’re around? With the best will in the world you dd7 is still very young and might find it difficult to say no and it’s a lot of responsibility for her.
what the pp said about your dn learning respect and boundaries is correct. They’re setting him up for failure. I have a dd now 12 that’s always been the oldest in family and friend groups. She has a lovely way with younger children. She’ll help friends kids at the park or soft play to give their mums a 10 min break but it would never occur to her in a million years to take them to the bathroom or to try and bathe them (or with them!) or put them to bed if they were round and i would never let her! I only ever put very small children in the bath together. It’s wild your in-laws think this acceptable.

Your husband’s family sound like groomers. It isn’t normal for a ten year old boy to want to bathe with little girls. By that age, he should be wanting privacy. It is disturbing that the family is pushing your DD’s to give up their dignity, privacy and autonomy. If they want to play in water, put a pool in the yard, put their bathing suits on and let them play.

I would be cutting this visit short and taking my DD’s home. I would also refuse to stay at any of their homes again. I would demand my husband attend marriage counseling because he should be putting his nuclear family first. Even if this were innocent, the boundaries of his wife and children need to come before the wants of his mom and nephew. You and your husband both should read The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

You could frame it as also protecting the cousin from accusations where he is innocent of doing anything wrong

I’m surprised no one has mentioned to the nephew he puts himself at risk of being accused of sexual abuse

Go home, and don’t return until you can trust them.

Sorry but that family is very weird.
You need to be firm with them, especially with your DH who is meant to be guarding his child!

I don’t understand why you would continue to go out without your children when you know this situation exists?

If you have to go out without the kids I would say everytime before you leave. "Do not strip my children off. Do not put them in the bath. Bye, have fun, love you"

It's inappropriate. You don't have to talk about DN potentially abusing your children. It's inappropriate. And even if it wasn't "I'm their mother, I say no."

It's time to go fucking nuclear here OP... this is just insane. It's so bloody weird I'd be wondering if your MIL is getting some perverse kick out of it. And why does a 10th at old boy want to bath/shower/sleep with his little female cousins. This is giving me the creeps.

You need to march yourself down to DH and MIL and tell them this behaviour is completely inappropriate. You don't need to bring up the potential for abuse, focus on your children's right to privacy if you must. You have the right to protect the privacy of your girls and as their mother, what you say goes and that is the absolute end of it.

If MIL persists, you will no longer have your DDs in her house, end of.

This is so fucking weird and you are 100% correct, but you need to be more than firm now.

This is very wishy washy. Your mil won't
have gotten the message. You need to find your backbone as much as your dp.

You're not being firm enough.

I would have lost my shit at this so so badly that mil would never dare to do it again. sometimes you have to behave a little crazy for people to take you seriously.

Tell your wet blanket dp that he can support you or get out of your way, and you will deal with it in your own way regardless of losing relationships.

When your DH asks you if you think badly of his DN. just say yes! It is weird and not neurotypical for a 10yo boy to be asking for naked baths with a toddler nor 7yo cousin. Tell DH that! He needs to protect his DD, that is DH job as well as yours and he needs to step up and be a dad. It should not be left to 7yo DD to have to stand up for herself alone.
Emperors clothes situation here. Don’t let them all gaslight you.

One thing I would instill with your kids is a “No Secrets Policy”. Make sure that they understand that there is never a good reason for a grownup to ask a kid to keep secrets from another grownup. It doesn’t matter if it’s mum or dad or grandma or grandad or a teacher, etc…. You must always tell them “We don’t keep secrets in our family. I’m going to tell Mum and Dad” and you make sure they know that when they tell you, you will believe them. This is one of the most powerful way of stopping adults from hurting kids in the first place. (It doesn’t always work of course, but it’s a powerful weapon.)

👍👏😀

Oh OP, next time your DH accuses you of thinking his nephew is 'like that' - tell him it's not a case of DN being 'like that' but of your daughter having bodily autonomy. If she is told at this early stage of her life that she has to sleep/bath with, kiss or touch another human being (male or female) when she doesn't want to , then that stays with her throughout her life.

'SHE is the one whose feelings should be considered in this, DH, not nephew's', regardless of whether he is or isn't 'like that'. (And quite honestly, DN is being taught that females will do whatever they are told to do, to please him, so the quicker that is nipped in the bud, the better!)

And how long will DH think it's OK for DN to do as he wants with your daughters? Another 2 years? 5 years? To age 15?

FFS what is wrong with him.

I would do three things right now:

Make it clear to your DH that you will not leave your children with him and your MIL while you are visiting your MIL, because you do not trust him or her to keep your daughter safe. He needs to understand how serious this is.

Speak clearly to your MIL with your DH present, and outline that it is not ok for her to go against your explicit instructions, not ok for her to bathe your child with your nephew, not ok to tell them that they can sleep in the same bed, and explain that this is for the protection of both your daughter and your nephew. It is ok to mention the possibility of sexual curiosity or interest as a child approaches puberty and the need for appropriate boundaries. Be clear that you are furious that your MIL has gone against your wishes and that this must never happen again. If this causes discomfort, live with the discomfort (or go home, with your children). You have been put in a situation where politeness and being the recipient of your MIL's hospitality may make you less inclined to rock the boat, but I think it is appropriate to find and express your anger. If it helps, write yourself a script for the conversation you need to have, and try to prepare yourself for sticking to it even if they try to derail you.

Suggest to your husband that he educates himself about the dangers of abuse, including within families, and how people are groomed to not see it or not to speak out if they do see it. This is a good thing for any parents to do. The world has changed so much since most of today's parents were children and there is knowledge and frankness about how abuse can happen and how to respond well. We could all do to learn about parenting in better ways. You could call the NSPCC for advice or look at the child health and development pages on their website. Ask your husband to imagine what a health visitor would say if you asked the question about whether his mother's behaviour is reasonable? Would he be willing to make an appointment with you to see your health visitor to discuss this and be open to receiving advice? If he can even begin to contemplate what sort of response he might get, he may be willing to open his mind to the dangers of abuse. Be aware that he has been brought up with his mother's world view and will find it harder to step outside of it. But he can learn.

And please trust your instincts. You are doing a great job protecting your children.

I’ve just checked NSPCC website and they still recommend separate bedrooms for children of different sexes after the age of 10, whether siblings or not. Can’t find anything about bathing or states of undress but you could contact them for advice ?

I wouldn't be be leaving her alone with my kids.
You've repeatedly said no, she's ignoring you and doing it anyway and that would massively fuck me off.
Listen to your gut. It's probably innocent, but it's definitely weird as fuck. I wouldn't be risking it.