Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

Very well said, OP!

I stayed with abusive exDP until the youngest DC went off to uni and it wasn't much better to be honest. ExDP behaved more like an uncle than a dad. Obviously I did have the advantages of being able to go out and leave the kids with him but I still couldn't trust him because he would sometimes go out when I was also out and leave them at home alone, even when they were about 4 and 6.

In that case I 100% agree! I just don't like it framed as absent fathers who don't contribute. I completely agree that is the norm (sadly) in most cases but single fathers should also have the same protections in -rare - cases where mothers don't live up to their obligations. My situation is unusual but it's big a one off.

Just to say- you are awesome mama

Why did women choose to have a child with such useless men? It could be because they didn’t have feckless arsehole tattooed on their forehead.

Men already can work PT and can take 6 months shared parental leave. They just don’t want to 🤷🏽‍♀️

Then you have a lack of imagination or aren't listening. Plenty of us married with planned kids to a guy who was perfectly hands on and dedicated til they weren't. Usually as a result of ow coming along (not blaming ow, just outlining the circumstances). It's terrifying how your best friend and teammate can literally overnight morph I to someone unrecognisable who happily sees his kids 4 days a month.

Yup. For all the talk of feminism and equality, the country actually functions as well as it does because of the thousands of hours of free labour women donate to the economy every year. It's still a man's world. Now go and see your MP and tell them what you've told us here: you want change. You want men who father children to have to pay and do their fair share. Contact Janet Daby, minister for children and families, and tell her. Tell her what you know about other countries.

https://members.parliament.uk/member/4698/contact

Agree with everything you say @jiarA.

My mam brought up three of us on her own with no financial support. It meant she never had a career and it wasn't until my youngest sibling had left school that she actually started to get a taste of her life for herself.

Unfortunately she passed away last year at 61.

Work wise she had only really managed to upskill and start working again in the year or so beforehand. I'll always think it's tragic she didn't really see much benefit from doing that. Having a working wage coming in for a prolonged period would have made such a difference to her.

She always felt guilty about our upbringing and that she couldn't do better. However we think she did a fantastic job in raising us and putting us on the right path.

Unfortunately the value of love, admiration, respect and gratitude from your kids doesn't get the recognition or reward it deserves.

These years are really tough OP. I do agree with you, but I don’t think it’s just single mothers. It’s just women. The dynamic is exactly the same in my household. Although DH obviously covers more than 50% of the costs because he lives here too.

Attitudes to parenting hasn’t changed in the same was as attitudes to women in the workplace and professionally. There’s still a gap.

Men need to start being able to work PT, to take shared maternity/paternity leave. It’s a societal thing. It pisses me off.

I don't disagree, but .... the majority if the time women are the ones who are 'making' men have children when they don't really want them. Any father who doesn't pull his weight, at least financially was probably a dud in the first place. I find it hard to believe these were amazing men who really wanted kids and then turned out to be a total drop-kick father.

This was my situation 22 years ago when ex-H bailed and left me with a toddler and a baby. It makes me so sad that it is still the case now.

As soon as you are separated or divorced and they have their own place, there is literally nothing you can do to force them to step up on the child-rearing, child-care front. NOTHING.

It is a joke. I know there are also people out there who play silly buggers and deny their partners access to the children, but I think that is a minority compared to all the women left holding the baby!

On the positive side I have reaped the rewards and have two adult DC who I am really close with. They think that their Dad is a prize tool (a conclusion that they came to all by themselves) and rarely see him.

When I was struggling with my child doing 90 percent of everything and had a breakdown my mum told me I didn't have to have kids. Thanks mum. Hope you enjoy your nursing home xx

Most men are a waste of space. The number who actually pull their weight and deserve to be fathers is minuscule.

If women stopped procreating with useless men, the birth rate would fall off a cliff.

For many women, the choice is 1) have baby with useless man, 2) go it alone, or 3) remain child-free.

It honestly is mad! My Mum raised me and my brother single handedly whilst my dad would have us once a month for the weekend and take us on holiday once a year, and everyone praised him for being the best dad ever. There’s a reason I now have nothing to do with him and my mum is one of the most important people in my life!

But it’s definitely a women thing. I have a 5 year old step son who we have 75% of the week - when I go out with friends I get asked who’s looking after him - when I say my partner everyone is like awwww sweet. HE IS HIS DAD. I am not even his birth Mum and yet I’m the default parent in most peoples eyes! It’s just so strange.

Wow!!!!! My ExH was absolutely NOT a useless twat, he was an amazing person, would do anything for anyone, I was treated like a princess, the kids were very much planned, wanted and loved.. There was absolutely no way I could've predicted that after 20 years together, he would up and leave for the OW and become a massive wanker where his kids were concerned and choose to spend in total, 1 week a year with them.

Let's not start down the route of blaming women for their poor choices in men when none of us have a crystal ball.

We've done this already....do you really think all single mums are those who had a casual fling and were careless with contraception? Please stop it.

Why didn't the waste of space grow and evolve into a better human being? Why does he not get judged on his questionable life decisions?

Why does every woman have to be a walking lie detector.
Why do women get told to give them another chance or do their bloody ironing (anyone see that thread?)

Women are shat on for whatever they do. Let's put the spotlight on men.

I agree with you, OP.

And it's not just NRPs though it is of course usually financially much harder for single parents.

Even within relationships, a vanishingly small number of men pull their weight. The family may see more of the money but not always - it's not unusual for a father to be spending thousands on hobbies while the mother struggles to pay for childcare and feed and clothe the kids.

See it has an investment. You might 'pay' much more currently in terms of finances, time, energy, sacrifices etc....

BUT it's you who will pick up all the rewards. I've been exactly where you are. My kids are now young adults. My relationship with them is amazing. They bring me so much fulfillment, joy, laughter, a sense of belonging, and being loved. It's priceless.

Their dad....it doesn't get much of it at all. They realised that he never had much in him to give them anything and despite doing everything I could to build that bond, he never embraced it because it was too much effort. They now don't have much interest in their dad. I get it for two. He moans about it and I tell him that he had 18 years to invest in them. He didn't and that's his loss.

other countries like Germany enforce parental contributions. Should be deducted at source. Mothers go without everything to put their children first. It is such an outrageous inequality.

But it's also entirely their fault if the men they have children with are incompetent & useless.

Who's fault is it if women are completely blameless?

Unless you're in a forced marriage, you chose to have kids with the useless twat and continued to have kids with him.

I don't know how many times I've read on here of a woman having her third child with some arsehole who spends all his free time cycling and does nothing at home.

There are plenty of red flags that a man is not going to step up after having children. Some women are so determined to live the dream that they turn a blind eye and think he'll change. Then they continue having kids with him.

Then they're on MN wringing their hands and complaining that the useless twat is being a useless twat.

Whilst I very much agree; Sometimes I am caught wondering 'why did you have a child with that man? You knew he was a waste of space to begin with'. So there is sometimes the element of questionable decision making too.

Tbh I am surprised that in a country with such high childcare cost it is not calculated in CMS so men have to pay half.
Unless he got some sort of settlement in place where he pays for total upkeep, home etc for mother and child and she got no reason to work.

In many Euopean countries childcare is such a small amount and you obviously get a discount if you are a single mother.

Is it more about power and control for men then I wonder. If they aren't looking for equal partners also not wanting children.

(Obviously namalt)

I'm a woman who's not affected directly by this but am equally outraged. It affects us all indirectly because it reflects how women are generally viewed on and treated in society. We are constantly told that feminism is superfluous now and we have equal treatment. Well certainly not on this issue.

Other women can bury their head in the sand because it doesn't impact them specifically but many of those may be affected some day, sadly. And many others might have been affected if they hadn't been fortunate.

We can start by not fawning over those men that sometimes look after their own children. It's not a greater achievement than the millions of women that do it without any praise. And by treating those men that never have their children as the lazy, selfish arses they are (I know there are some men that can't have their children for legitimate reasons - but I'm talking about the majority who have no excuses).