Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

Lots of men reproduce again with women who come on here, half the threads seem to be about how disposable the first children seem to the new partner once a new baby is born with them and how the ex-partner is asking for too much money

Here here! How about men put on a big fucking act of how they will look after you and do this that and the other…then when you are locked in the true colours show!! Not that easy to pick and choose someone decent in this scenario is it!

Frankly, if an NRP is only seeing their child EOW then there's really no excuse for them to be on a NMW. They can train for better things, do overtime, take a second job in order to provide an acceptable level of support. Lots of options, none of which are easy for an RP.
If we're talking about what should happen, in my world CMS is a dept within HMRC with instant access to all the same info. A minimal but sensible level of universal support is agreed via consultation with an independent body that can have a childcare component added as needed. This amount is the minimum an RP should get and will be paid by the state if the NRP can't or won't. It accrues as debt to be deducted off the NRPs wage or pension if necessary. There will be no "writing it off" and no feeble attempts to find elusive self employed NRPs.

My child support calculation (Australia) is $5000 per year. Her braces cost me $8000 this year. I had to turn down a $200 000 job last year beacuase I cannot move more than 80km from her father who sees her, on average one day per month. Child support calculations are an absolute joke.

I think the threat of castration would do the job too. Children shouldn't be born into a world where the father walks away and the mother has to work herself to a frazzle to give them what she can.

Men that walk away should never be allowed to reproduce again.

@BorrowersAreVermin

That's awful. Your poor mum. 61 is no age.

I wonder if men were forced, by threat of prison, to support their children, they would be much more careful about having them? And we would then have even more women, desperate for children, but with none? This isn't any kind of criticism of women, or defence of the current 'men can just walk away' culture we have. Just musings.

Ex was useless. I occasionally got £5 via CMS, but he owed loads (a whole long boring story where cms were crap)
11 years after he was no longer responsible for 'paying' and 2 years AFTER HE HAD DIED the cms wrote to me asking if I wanted them to chase the arrears.
@jiarA thank you for laying this out here. I have no idea what the answer is, but the problem is definitely dead beat DADS.
Every government we've ever had is so smothered in misogyny that I fear nothing will change in my lifetime 🤬

@jiarA I am also sorry you find yourself in the same position. I'm sure when the time comes I will manage to find and the words and I know children are very accepting and don't over think things when they are very young so all I can hope is if I get the groundwork right then it will be OK. That's all I can hope! I really hope for their sakes he stays away but as he gets older these men tend to come out of the woodwork as lonely old age approaches. I just hope my sons don't fall for his lies and waste their time having anything to do with him. The reasons you outlined are the reasons my ex husband doesn't see them. I gave him chance after chance and each time he was inconsistent and refused to prioritise them. The final time they had just turned 2 and I warned him it was his final chance because they were getting to the point that they would know who he was and I wasn't having them being upset when he couldn't be bothered to see them. He managed 2 weeks of twice a week for an hour visits before he started being late and making excuses and that was it. I told him they deserved better than him and whilst he might not care about the damage he was doing I did. I told him he could take me to court and represent himself so minimal cost and he would be given contact. i hoped for the boys sake he would do it, to prove that he did care and wanted to be in their lives. No court summons has appeared and apart from reducing his maintenance I have had no contact with him. In a way it breaks my heart for the boys that they don't get to have a loving, invested father but I also know it could be much worse if he did see them and wasn't consistent. It's awful whatever way it goes, we just have to make the best of it and try not to let them ruin our lives. I wish you all the best xx

Here's what I did with my ex asshole. I gathered up proof of all the disgusting things he had been doing that I had been previously unaware of. It was sufficiently vile that he did not want anyone to know.
I let him know that I'd be papering his workplace and neighborhood with what I had and contacting everybody following him on SM. I got the home addresses of his coworkers and friends in order to be able to send it to them.
He has never given me trouble about money and no doubt that is why. He knew I was serious and would not only do it, I'd enjoy it.
Our kids are grown, but one has special needs and lives with me. I do all the care, naturally (she can't stand to be around him anyway) but he pays whatever I ask.
I know this is not a typical situation at all, and most people won't have the opportunity to do this, but I do tell women to be ruthless and play dirty if they have to, if they can and if it's safe to do so. If these bastards are going to do us and their kids dirty, they should buckle up and prepare to receive the same. Women have been conditioned to make allowances for men and forgive them matter what they do. I say turning the other cheek to a man only gets you slapped on both sides of your face.
As a result of this and of my indifference to him, I get on well with ex on the rare occasions I do see him. However, he knows he's not ever going to be forgiven.

Did you think he would? I thought my ex genuinely would and was really shocked he didn’t. Like you said you can’t force it and if they spend a few hours here and there they haven’t technically completely abandoned them so they fall into this grey area it feels like as on paper yes they see the kids. It’s a joke.

I tried 50/50 but he said the same work can’t fit around it yet he is self employed and will drop his work to go on dates, holidays for himself. It’s a cop out honestly.

I'm sorry, but she's not a model candidate for this at all.

If he's abandoned them, ignore the people who say you have to be positive and keep the door open for him to come back (and go away again) whenever he pleases. It's not in the best interest of your children to be dangled on his string like that. It will only cause them more pain down the line. If they get used to him being gone and grow to accept it they will at least have a sense of stability.
People say things like "keep the door open" with good intentions, but they are not taking into account that the person they are talking about is not going to contribute to a healthy, happy childhood at all. Quite the opposite actually. In theory it's better to have two parents, but when one of them is such a toxic, selfish scumbag, it is only detrimental to their well-being to have a relationship with him. I wish people would stop promoting the falsehood that any father is better than no father, no matter what a prick he is.

May I assume you have had his parental rights legally terminated because of the abandonment? If not, do so and go no contact with him.
I would just tell them that he's gone away and you don't know why. It's the truth.

I saw this case earlier today and thought of this thread. The man faked his own death to avoid paying child support!! https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2024/08/20/jesse-kipf-kentucky-fake-death-sentenced/74877556007/

Jesse Kipf, 39, of Somerset, Kentucky, hacked into the Hawaii Death Registry System in January 2023 with the username and password of a physician living in another state to certify his death, resulting in Kipf being registered as a deceased person in several government databases, the U.S. Attorney's Office, Eastern District of Kentucky said Tuesday. He also infiltrated other states' death registry systems and private business networks, and governmental and corporate networks using credentials stolen from real people tried to sell access to these networks to potential buyers on the dark web.
"This scheme was a cynical and destructive effort, based in part on the inexcusable goal of avoiding his child support obligations," said Carlton S. Shier, IV, United States Attorney for the Eastern District of Kentucky, in a statement. "This case is a stark reminder of how damaging criminals with computers can be, and how critically important computer and online security is to us all."

Absolutely. And I know that probably 99% of parents who abandon their kids ARE men. But it's not JUST men. It's NRP that need to step up and pull their weight. I resent people just saying "men" need to. That just means cases like my life don't matter.

It doesn’t need to be all men. It needs to be a large enough proportion of men to leave a swathe of children in poverty. And it is.

@ErrolTheDragon yes and just re read. She has asked exH to step up but there is nothing about the custody arrangement and how it came about .....

Just this. My ex was not a high earner (I earned more, but it was all my fault because I had married him and ruined his career) but refused proper custody arrangements. Foolishly (stupid solicitor) I did not go to the divorce hearing and ex told court that maintenance (from me to him) was fixed and also visiting. The maintenance was fixed but he would keep the DC away. Eventually I went to court and got 50% custody and every other week-end. If that's not the arrangement then an ex-DH is not doing his bit at all.

The worst aspect for me personally is when I have to try to find the words to explain to my sons why their father isn't in their lives. I've worried and agonised over this since we split 3 years ago. They are 3 now and it's starting to rear it's head, noticing other daddies and I'm waiting and dreading when the inevitable questions start. I've done nothing wrong, I've been here every day for my sons physically, emotionally, mentally and financially yet this is another burden I have. The worry of how to explain it without screwing them up forever. All the conflicting advice - be honest with them then it's don't say anything negative about him to keep the door open if he decides he does want to see them in the future. It feels like whatever you do is wrong. Why should I have to have these conversations with my precious children whilst he is yet again not accountable for his actions and choices? My biggest fear is they will welcome him into their lives at some point and he will disappoint and let them down and I'll be having to pick the pieces up again. These shitty men are the gift that just keeps giving.

I also resent the frequent studies I read about that children from single families are basically doomed and that's our fault as well. How do they think we, the mothers, feel reading this when we are doing everything we can for our children and even that isn't enough.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, I know. It was a rhetorical question.

I do think young girls should be taught how iffy a proposition it is marry or live with men and that if they want children, they had best prepare to do it alone. If they do decide to marry or live with a man, they need a solid plan B both for raising children and in case he is abusive as well. That's the awful reality.

Because everything, every mechanism, every opportunity - and every single loophole - is skewed towards men. Every single time.

Since women are literally left 'holding the baby' then every concession and 'right' that we can accumulate in preparation for this is necessary.

Should it be like this? Of course not, but it is. Until such time as society does a complete U-turn and men are not allowed to shirk their responsibilities to their children then that ^^ is sage advice.

Because that's reality, apparently.