Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

'These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children?'

Yet you chose to have children with him!

So many posts about deadbeat husbands and fathers, but women won't address why they chose these men!

Dating for a long time and then marriage should give you some idea of the calibre of the man before having children.

It's interesting that there's very little directed at men along the lines of:
take responsibility

• make yourself an attractive proposition for marriage & fatherhood
• learn to cook
• do the housework
• do the emotional labour

@YellowAsteroid you are right. I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole recently wherein there seems to be an explosion in these public figures pushing for a return to traditional values.

' Get married, stay at home, breed, no abortions, in fact make it illegal, stay married at all costs, divorce is only initiated by women because they're bored. '

It's scary.

Oh, blame the victims why don't you?

Women are under huge social pressure to have children (eg look at the aspiring Vice President of the US slagging of "childless cat ladies"). But it's also entirely their fault if the men they have children with are incompetent & useless.

YABI @Edingril not the OP.

you’ve heard about environmental factors in behavior, right?

women see shit male father figures and their mums doing all the graft and legwork. Female offspring don’t know what to look for in a male partner, female offspring repeats pattern unless she is very exceptional, clever, fortunate or surrounded by friends who don’t think like that. Rinse and repeat.

meanwhile the feckless men see what their fathers did and conclude, that’s alright for me, Jack.

intergenergenerational sex-based inequality. Sociology 101.

I think if a man says at the beginning I'm happy to have kids but if we split up then you're on your own and you still choose to have children then it's on you. I would guess that in most cases these things only became apparent after the children were born in which case I don't think it's fair to put the blame on the person that is actually stepping up and raising the children. I have no family support so my whole life is now at home with the children, I can't go out or have interests or hobbies and all I do is work from home and have my children. I'm fine with that as I wanted them and I love them and I will do my best by the and I'm happy my ex husband is out of our lives. I don't think I should be blamed for his failings as both a husband and a father.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

That's a fantastic idea, @jiarA

I also think ALL men should have to pay an additional 1% or even 2% tax on their incomes - a tax to cover the costs of:

• male violence (2 women murdered by men every 3 days, on average, not to mention "everyday" and "domestic" male violence against women
• male sexual offences
• deadbeat dads like your ex.

Does he feel proud that he seems unable to support his own child properly? What sort of a man is that? Certainly not a "real" masculine man. And men like your ex seem to pride themselves on being "real men."

@Edingril I also agree with the fact that some ( and I insist it's some) make terrible choices on this one. There is absolutely a place for accountability. It isn't always this straightforward however. Things can change dramatically for some post children.

You can’t always know if someone will become a bad person or walk out on you one day no one has kids and goes this will be nice can’t wait to be a single mum. Life happens I think this post is more about how unfair it is that this affects men and women but single mothers get the short straw.

But people choose who they have children with and then choose to go on keep on having children with 'a waste of space' or however people want to word it

Maybe more effort should be put into who people decide to have children with?

If people opened their eyes more maybe then would be less complaints later on?

They certainly aren't shamed either. My ex husband has plenty of sympathy from people that think I'm the crazy ex and still manages to show his face in the pub most days of the week. No one has said he's a disgrace for spending more in the pub than he does on maintenance for his children and people feel sorry for him that he doesn't see them but what they don't know is that is his choice.

I agree with @WildTwins. Absent father's aren't celebrated but they don't ever appear to be the focus of shame and disgust. Whomever mentioned the rotten Daily Mail mentality is right. I often read their articles and the comments section is appalling.

It feels as if single women are held solely responsible for their poor choices or for initiating divorce too willingly.

I just wish the society ideals would change. Have you seen the sketch by Katherine Ryan about a single dad doing his kids ponytail and posting it online and how she said women were basically lining up to give bjs yet a mother doing that is like ugh another single mother 🙄😂

Gross example but hilariously true haha my ex if anything has more going for him as a single dad with two daughters 😂

I went on dating apps for a few weeks to just see what’s out there and never again. Seeing bios with sick emojis saying no single mums like I have the plague. Yet out of nowhere all his pics of him are with our girls like look at him such a dedicated father. When the reality is he seems them two Sundays a month with help from his parents.

It is unfair your career takes a hit, our bodies our time. An I don’t know about you but since becoming a single mother many people have started telling me how to parent. Just interjecting with loads of unsolicited advice all of a sudden.

This. I read a quote somewhere that was like ‘most men want children in the same way that most children want a pet dog. It’s cute and they can play with it when they feel like it but ultimately its day-to-day care will fall to someone else (in both cases, usually the woman in the family).’

I don’t think men in society that leave their kids are celebrated!

Society don't seem to scrutinise the reasons behind why so many women end up being single mothers, the truth is the woeful men that aren't capable of being parents. So whilst we pick up all of the slack in raising and paying for our children we are also vilified and deemed to be inferior and flawed in some way. The absent fathers on the other hand remain blameless and we should be grateful if they see the children at all and even more grateful if they pay any maintenance even if it is a paltry amount. If women were the ones to walk out and live our best lives whilst paying nothing for our children there would be uproar and the CMS would be overhauled with immediate effect. Shame we still live in a man's world.

Interesting that you said women rather than mothers.

It’s a disgrace. And I agree that the basic rule should be that the non-resident parent has to pay 50% of childcare costs (nursery and wrap around) to enable the other parent to work full time. Irrespective of their own income. Its the only fair thing. (Plus extra on top).

Unfortunately the right wing newspaper and media hate women and they hate single mothers more!

the daily fail and co … hammer single mothers and depicted them as doing nothing but having babies and enjoying the benefits.

The right wing narrative is far away from the truth. But it’s been paddled unchallenged for so many years… it’s horrible.

This is part of the reason child birth rates have declined. Men get away with it! CMS should include nursery fee.. or half nursery fees goes directly to nursery from fathers wages.

Yeah completely normal.

the best thing you can do is maintain that amazing bond with your kids whilst outearning your ex ;)

@WildTwins that is hideous. You all did and do deserve better 💐

It’s honestly scandalous. If there was one issue I would make my hill to die on, it would be this.

No political will because it’s a women’s issue 95% of the time.

I knew what this post was going to be about before I read it. I understand. My ex is a high earner we were together a decade and he just walked out after Christmas last year. He pays the mortgage but no cms and I’m told everyday by his family and apparently everyone he knows that he is being so generous and I’m basically a money grabber. He looks like he’s this fantastic person but if I just walked out one day and saw our kids a few days a month I would be seen as the worst mother going.

He walked out on us and I worked out has them as low as 8% of the time and that’s with them being at his mums at that time also.

I do all the school days I asked if they could do any week days to do 50/50 they refused saying it would be too much so in the end I said I wanted every other weekend too as I was doing the drudgery but no quality time and now I look like I’m controlling but the options are there they just want the fun days aka Disney dad cough cough

He looks great in society is super successful think making over 100k a year whilst my life has taken a huge hit and I’m struggling he’s already in a relationship with the ow and I’m the crazy ex.

I hate how my life has played out like this but at the same time the bond I have with my girls is like no other and whilst he is head to toe in designer and I’m in Tkmax, eBay and charity shop clothes haha I am pretty content just scared sometimes about the future. I’m coming up to a year being a single parent so hoping this is just part of the process. 🥴😂

I don’t want to be alone forever and miss having someone to lean on at times but I also don’t ever want a man again 😂 Is this normal also? 😂

I think he may well want to reappear when there is less work to do but he was abusive to me and rough with one of the twins when they were 4 days old which is why I left him. He refused to pay maintenance and told CMS he wasn't the father so we had to go through DNA testing. He really isn't father material, I just wish I'd known that beforehand!

I love the idea of making the payments public- this would piss all over the lies they tell people. I have a family member who’s ex told his family he had to work 3 jobs because of what he was paying for his kids, when he had paid nothing for nearly a year and was actually gambling it all away.