Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

I never received a single penny in child support from my dead beat exH. He was abusive and this was his way of continuing the abuse and control.

There are NO SANCTIONS for absent fathers who refuse to contribute.

It should be made a criminal offence with serious repercussions.

I am looking toward an impoverished retirement after raising my kids with no assistance at all, while he is rolling in it with multiple properties.

He walked away with zero consequences.

Spot on OP. Mine left his job rather than pay CMS as well (this is after he'd tried to sue the CMS for daring to ask him for money 🤦‍♀️). YADNBU.

He hired an after school nanny for a few hours a day. If we were ill he had to take time off. He was self employed so he could choose his hours to a certain extent.

Out of interest- how did he manage to work full time as well as care for you both?

Bring back bastardy bonds! They're "trad"

The bar for being a 'great dad' is still incredibly low!

I do agree with you but just to offer another viewpoint - as a child I was brought up by my dad, after my mum moved to another country, leaving me and my sister in his care. She payed no maintenance AT ALL, just left him to it apart from sometimes having us in the holidays. Even then I think he payed for our flights (although to be fair I'm not 100% sure on that bit - she may have contributed). So it's not all men.

Mine was employed and paying maintenance through CMS. He barely sees the children (his choice).

Out of the blue, I got a letter from CMS saying my maintenance was being cut to £2 a week. Apparently he'd left his job and is now self employed in the gig economy. His declared annual earnings are about the same as a months salary at his old job, so my maintenance was immediately cut to £2 a week.

I did challenge this as I can't believe someone is working full time and earning so little. It's much less than he would get on unemployment benefit. I was told it's his choice and I have to wait until Jan 26 when he does his 24-25 tax return to see if he did earn more than he declared.

Bit of a kick in the teeth to suddenly lose that income without warning, especially given how prices have risen lately.

I totally agree. We need to change this - no idea where to start though.

Discussing whether men just want sex and not children is missing the point.

Other countries hold men to account far better when a relationship ends, musing as to what motivates a man in a relationship is totally irrelevant.

It has became narrative because of the centuries long society's norm.

Yes, but its mostly male centric channels on youtube etc which worry about birth rate, usually with lots of pictures of skulls and scary looking graphs. Or male online spaces which meme constantly about eggboxes etc. Also mostly male legislatures in places like America etc which want to restrict women's access to birth control and abortions. And male journalists and politicians (JD Vance) who are very keen to blame childless women for the ills of the world. I know Vance is a bit of an outlier and I would not want to judge all men by him (imagine) but part of the reason he uses the rhetoric he uses is to appeal to a certain demographic of very online men.

In "real life", there are women who don't want children, and you would think there would be huge competition for these women from men who don't want children. But I don't think its a huge attraction for men usually (even if it isn't a turn of).

This is so true.

If anybody wants to lobby or campaign on this, loop me in.

I think this is correct.

A lot of men agree to have a child because they think it will provide them with convenient sex, a free housekeeper/cook for life, and because it proves their virility. Beyond that, most of them really aren't fussed.

Yanbu OP. I know someone who gets paid £2.50 a week by her ex and it’s a complete joke. Oh and he moved 90 miles away and is too busy to pick up the kids so she has to take them there when it’s his weekend 🙄

Unfortunately it’s ingrained in society that as women, we are the natural carers given that we grew and gave birth to the children. Anything that deviates from this is seen as bad, god forbid you might want to have a career. Mens role is seen as the opposite, so obviously when they care for the kids it’s wonderful and amazing.

Im very lucky in that I have a great husband, but he has a job that takes him away a lot and is of course it was viewed by family members that I would have to go part time and sacrifice my career once we had children. It was never, ever mentioned that he should step up, it was just expected of me (not by him I might add!!). Society allows these shitty dads just to get away with not paying or caring for their kids because there are these deeply entrenched misogynist views about the different gender roles. Single mums you have my respect, you are doing a brilliant job.

God (or karma for the faithless) will deal with those who think single mothers are a drain on the society. I can't believe anybody could think that, let alone say that. Had a colleague who was vocal about 'divorce being disgusting' - like Catherine Z.Jones in one of her interviews. She (colleague) is divorced now and a single mother. One has to be very careful about vocalising things (I remind myself daily about it).

OP I agree with your post. Men, especially separated ones, are very often pathetic fathers and allowed to be by society.

YANBU, OP.

Society runs on the expectation women will do vast quantities of unacknowledged care work, for free, because they love their families.

And for the most part, it's true.

Single mothers deserve every respect.

I'm always surprised on MN threads when women complain about their DH not pulling their weight with childcare within a marriage, and the response is "LTB he'll have to do 50% if you separated".
...Except mostly they don't. And if they ignore/don't look after children adequately when there is someone else around/available for back up, would you trust them alone anyway? It's just about a lose-lose scenario.

@jiarA : The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Really well put. Plus everything else you said!

What a nasty post.

Just to be clear, the dad chose to have a child too, so yeah he is responsible for the maintenance of a child he also chose to bring into the world.

You think all women should just expect to bring up kids alone, but men should be allowed to get as many women pregnant as they want and just walk away? Who are you, Andrew Tate?

If I ringfenced my salary ..put the CMS amount together with my exes cms my kids would run out of food before the end of the month. No new uniform, no hobby fees or kit, no pocket money, no laptop for school, no phone or contract, no school trips. I'd have bloody loads left to spend on shit for me though. You know ..just like he does. Kids are expensive..and I'm not talking about spoiling with luxuries just general stuff that an average kid should have. Not designer labels or new iPhones but working tech, clothes that fit. Even without the childcare issue, most CMS contributions are paltry.

Well I am 10 years deep in a CMS battle. In 10 years I think I've had about £800 in payments, roughly £6.50 a week. In that time I had to leave a well paid career to support my SEN son who could not attend school for 3 years as LA could not meet his needs, sandwiched between PT school and constantly being called by the school. I am now back at work earning what I did 10 years ago.

His Dad became abusive after the birth, so I left. He tried to coercively control me through the court system before this was recognised as a thing. I nearly lost everything I'd worked for before meeting him. I now have a huge mortgage I had to take out to cover the costs of this and to hang on to my son's home.

He now swings between different girlfriends, who he meets online that have the profile of low self-esteem, young kids and most importantly a home He can stay in as he has nothing. He works, earns good money. I am pretty sure he has a gambling addiction or he is hiding his lifestyle from the CMS and his own son doesn't appear to benefit.

I will never get any money, but I have been steadfast at not dropping the CMS claim. He has a court summons where sanctions will be hopefully be handed down.

I agree with all the posts. These men should be named and shamed, with a more robust and systematic way of making them support their children.

My concern is how will society support these men in old age? They have not been making NI contributions and I am pretty confident that my exes pension plan relies on inheritance. Although he has been financially abusing his mum for years so not sure what is left there!

There needs to be a society change, where this kind of behaviour is frowned upon, like drink driving. People currently 'don't want to get involved' or don't want to be awkward in holding these men accountable. The CMS also needs to be changed but it seems there is no political appetite to do it, from either party.

My ex lied to the CMS and said he had overnights with DC. He doesn't see DC at all for safeguarding reasons. He sent them an out of date court order and I'm having to drag this through a tribunal, being treated as a liar. Even when he sent the tribunal a letter to explain why he doesn't see DC ( I'm a bitch that doesn't let him see DC for no good reason, apparently) they still insisted I have to attend a hearing. I disputed this, asking what more there was to discuss, awaiting response. Everything is weighted in his favour, always. It's exhausting, but I'm the bitch dragging him to court again.