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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

… to want more help from her?

87 replies

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:13

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Father to a young child. DW has always been clear that she wanted to be a SAHM when children were small, and I am supportive because my job involves irregular hours, and I want DC to have a parent at home.
However, as time goes by I have been picking up more and more of the responsibility for our family. Work is stressful and I also find myself doing most of the cooking, an equal share of household chores, and in my view an outsized share of the mental load (meal planning, budgeting and planning for our future, car maintenance, planning weekends, etc).
I’ve always been the “organised” one and DW has always been more spontaneous, but I thought that would change when we had children and she quit her job. She finds managing DC exhausting as nursery is currently only 4 hours a day, and thinks IABU to expect anything more from her.

OP posts:
ByCupidStunt · 20/08/2024 21:53

have you told her how you feel?

If she's not doing half the work there isn't really any point to her is there?

Pandasnacks · 20/08/2024 21:53

Do you care for the child too when cooking? How old are they?

Original poster
Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:52

Farmwifefarmlife · 20/08/2024 21:47

What does she do while you’re cooking ? Is she helping also?
I think men should do their fair share my DH works full time & definitely helps 50/50 I do also run my own business from home & have 2 DC though.

Sometimes helps me out and sets the table. Sometimes watches a movie or chills out in the room. Sometimes makes a cup of tea or calls her parents or sister. If I were not cooking she’d probably do exactly the same thing, but then eat junk food or order takeaway which is expensive.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 20/08/2024 21:51

Farmwifefarmlife · 20/08/2024 21:47

What does she do while you’re cooking ? Is she helping also?
I think men should do their fair share my DH works full time & definitely helps 50/50 I do also run my own business from home & have 2 DC though.

Sounds like OP is doing more than his fair share

Farmwifefarmlife · 20/08/2024 21:47

What does she do while you’re cooking ? Is she helping also?
I think men should do their fair share my DH works full time & definitely helps 50/50 I do also run my own business from home & have 2 DC though.

Original poster
Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:45

@mushpush DW feels very tired after taking care of DC and needs time to relax, catch up on sleep, and so on. Feels we should not care too much about the state of the house nor should we aspire to eat cooked meals every day. If left to her own devices she’d probably be content with a few ready made nibbles here and there.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/08/2024 21:44

She should be doing a lot more if she’s not working, that’s a very unfair distribution of labour given one party is at home 24-7.

Original poster
Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:41

@Pandasnacks thanks for your response. Why do you think this current split is fair? I am working full time, then soon as home cooking for the whole family, and taking care of a hundred things that DW will not sort. DW has several hours a day to do whatever she likes.
I feel overworked and frankly would not mind swapping places. I don’t think DW intends to ever prop me up financially, and I would accept that more happily if she helped more with other things.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 20/08/2024 21:26

She sounds lazy.

mushpush · 20/08/2024 21:25

One DC? Who's at nursery 4 hours a day?

But you're working full time, doing most of the cooking, half the chores and lots of mental load?

What is your DW doing?

Pandasnacks · 20/08/2024 21:19

You sound like a good dad. and it's hard when they are young. But I don't think she's asking too much of you, she's told you she's struggling so it's your turn to help at the minute. I'm sure at another stage in life she will prop you up, that's marriage.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2024 21:19

If she doesn’t want the SAH gig she needs to stop pretending and go back to work. She’s got 4 hours a day to herself, which is enough time to make a decent go of all that stuff.

I expect people will ask if she’s depressed, which always happens when a man in your position posts. When it’s a woman she’s emphatically told that he’s taking the piss. Which is what I’m telling you.

When you’re both at home things should be split evenly but she’s got 20 odd hours a week to “run the house” with no child to take care of.