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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

… to want more help from her?

87 replies

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:13

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Father to a young child. DW has always been clear that she wanted to be a SAHM when children were small, and I am supportive because my job involves irregular hours, and I want DC to have a parent at home.
However, as time goes by I have been picking up more and more of the responsibility for our family. Work is stressful and I also find myself doing most of the cooking, an equal share of household chores, and in my view an outsized share of the mental load (meal planning, budgeting and planning for our future, car maintenance, planning weekends, etc).
I’ve always been the “organised” one and DW has always been more spontaneous, but I thought that would change when we had children and she quit her job. She finds managing DC exhausting as nursery is currently only 4 hours a day, and thinks IABU to expect anything more from her.

OP posts:

LumpyandBumps · 20/08/2024 23:00

Your child is in nursery, which is a car ride away?

Your wife takes and collects.

How long is the journey?

Lots of people are saying ‘but she has 4 full hours to do things’ She clearly can’t have 4 hours but how long does she get once travel time is taken off?

Original poster

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:58

Thanks for all the responses. I have read them all and it’s been interesting to get a range of views.
I think I know what to do next! I will show this to my wife as a way to start the conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:52

@Timetoheal4good i think you have got to exactly what is bothering me with this post. DW gets a couple of pauses during the day when she can relax and do her own thing. My weekdays are just non stop full on work and chores. I only get to relax during weekends when we spend time together as a family or share the childcare duties so each of ys can get some down time.
l if DW did more during nursery hours our evenings would be more pleasant for both of us. Would feel more like a partnership.

OP posts:

Teacherprebaby · 20/08/2024 22:48

dobblevit · 20/08/2024 22:15

Have you looked after your kids every day for a week? See what it's like? Not in a negative way just in a genuine try to understand what she deals with

They are in nursery 4 hours a day!

Timetoheal4good · 20/08/2024 22:48

If you are expected to spend the time after work cooking and cleaning and being a parent, then your wife is expected to spend the time your DC is in nursery doing the same. This isn't unreasonable. Everyone needs down time. It isn't acceptable to expect your husband (or wife!!) to come home from work and start doing these things while you take another break. In that case, she should be considering where OP's break is.

Your wife owes it to you to look after your mental wellbeing the same way you owe it to her. Tell her you are burning out and feeling resentful.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2024 22:46

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:24

@dobblevit in all fairness, i have never had to do this alone for a week, only on weekends and holidays and just a day or two at a time. It is tiring but not more so than my job.

She's also never had to solely financially provide for the family. Including the stress and pressure that can bring.

MzHz · 20/08/2024 22:45

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 21:52

Sometimes helps me out and sets the table. Sometimes watches a movie or chills out in the room. Sometimes makes a cup of tea or calls her parents or sister. If I were not cooking she’d probably do exactly the same thing, but then eat junk food or order takeaway which is expensive.

Show quote history

I’d blow my fucking stack at that.

your wife is lazy and she’s never going to get any better unless you tackle this now.

she needs to get her shit together or go back to work so that maybe you can ease up a bit

it’s not at all good enough

Kurokurosuke · 20/08/2024 22:45

You talk about cooking and cleaning, but how much of the actual child care are you doing. My husband I both work full time, and the actual hands on looking after the children still falls largely to me. He thinks he is helping as he does some housework (probably better than me). But child-wrangling is very very draining at times.

women all over the country are doing what you do on a daily basis (work and the lion’s share at home). In fact Is is expected of them to such an extent it is a common question “how do you manage both”.

May be take your child out. Bathe them, so a fun activity with them. And resign yourself to a few ready meals here and there. I went back to work and found it far less tiring than full time mumming.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:40

There are a few things she could do, but really I think societies expectations of SAHPs is what's wrong here.
People expect too much from them imo.

Tiredeveryday · 20/08/2024 22:39

Oh come on now, she’s taking the piss!!!

Big time as well

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:38

I'm a SAHM, we have three children, I have only been a SAHM for the last 8yrs because our youngest is disabled.

He goes to school but I catch up on sleep I miss out on every night during those hours.

I may prep some dinner but I no longer cook dinner for everyone, I make my own meals.

I use a laundry service a gardener and cleaning service once a month for a deep clean.

I am not the house slave, I am not a maid.
I am here to cover the very many limitations our son includes so my husband can continue to work.

He also pays into my savings because he knows he wouldn't be able to work and improve his income without me.

Op said that he does most cooking and organising, but most cleaning is done by her.... it's not that unbalanced from my pov.

JoBoJoBo · 20/08/2024 22:37

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:14

@semideponent we have talked and she feels we should solve our issues by getting a cleaner to pick up the household stuff, and be less fussed about cooked food. I’m worried about lack of savings because I am paying off the mortgage alone and we don’t manage to put aside much as is, so I find the idea of getting a cleaner just heaps more stress on me.

Tell her to get a part time job if she wants a cleaner.

JoBoJoBo · 20/08/2024 22:35

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:09

Outsource some work, food prep or bulk cooking, laundry service, cleaner etc

You still haven't answered how many children you have.

What does she plan to do after the child/ren are at school?

Are you paying into her pension pot whilst she stays at home? If not then that is still a big sacrifice on her part.

Calculate how much it would cost for FT and wrap around care for your child/ren and see what you think op.

He has 1 child only.Dont agree he needs to outsource cleaning just because the wife is idle .

Original poster

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:34

@arethereanyleftatall I may have left out a couple of things.
Child tends to sleep 10 hours at night but stopped napping earlier this year, just takes 10 minute kip in the car on way back from nursery.
Very active running around and climbing all over stuff so GPs (70s) prefer to have DW around and won’t take care of DC on their own.
DW has always had a tendency to be a bit low energy or as her sister puts it “nonchalant”. I married her knowing that she is like this which is why I’m trying to be measured in my criticism.

OP posts:

Springadorable · 20/08/2024 22:33

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:30

So?

Show quote history

So she's got a pretty large gap in her "caring and enriching" schedule where, maybe, she could step up a little bit.

JoBoJoBo · 20/08/2024 22:33

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:28

It seems like you both agreed to this arrangement but didn't talk about both of your expectations.

I don't think she is doing anything wrong apart from relying on takeaway too often.

She is a SAHM and primarily her focus should be the caring and enrichment of the child which it sounds like she does.

Op is working full time and doing nearly all the chores.Hardly sounds fair .

Kisskiss · 20/08/2024 22:33

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:30

So?

Show quote history

So in those 4h she can help her partner out by sorting some things around the house….

Kisskiss · 20/08/2024 22:32

@Dadwithquestion im sure you know this but you really need to try and addresss this sooner rather than later - if you burn out from juggling too many things ( work and home responsibilities cooking mental load) your job will suffer and by extension your family as you are the sole wage earner.
and yes she sounds lazy, to put it bluntly

JoBoJoBo · 20/08/2024 22:31

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:08

Those suggesting depression this is something I worry about too. DW has always been a bit lower energy but nothing extreme. She is very popular and has lots of friends from Uni and from her last job that she is in touch with regularly. Calls her mom every day, takes DC to visit GPs every other day.

Low energy ? Sounds like laziness.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:30

Springadorable · 20/08/2024 22:30

But the DC is in nursery for four hours a day?

Show quote history

So?

Comedycook · 20/08/2024 22:30

She should be doing more. Making dinner is not a big ask even when you have a small child to look after. If she's so exhausted she cannot manage this then maybe she needs to see her GP.

Springadorable · 20/08/2024 22:30

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:28

It seems like you both agreed to this arrangement but didn't talk about both of your expectations.

I don't think she is doing anything wrong apart from relying on takeaway too often.

She is a SAHM and primarily her focus should be the caring and enrichment of the child which it sounds like she does.

But the DC is in nursery for four hours a day?

JoBoJoBo · 20/08/2024 22:29

Dadwithquestion · 20/08/2024 22:04

I do 90% of the cooking and maybe 40% of the household stuff. DW finds taking care of DC really rewarding and does not want to go back to work. But then is so tired she doesn’t have energy for anything else while DC is at nursery or during the evening. I’ve always been the slightly more high energy one.
I guess this might be more of a relationship question than AIBU. I suppose what I’m wondering is whether a family can be happy long term when things are unequal. Because ultimately I am quite happy that DW is at home for our child, should I just accept that I need to carry a disproportionate share of the work? I find it stressful to have so much to do but probably still not as stressful as having to juggle two careers and childcare and so on IYSWIM

She sounds lazy to be fair.Tell her to get off her backside! She is taking advantage of you.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/08/2024 22:28

It seems like you both agreed to this arrangement but didn't talk about both of your expectations.

I don't think she is doing anything wrong apart from relying on takeaway too often.

She is a SAHM and primarily her focus should be the caring and enrichment of the child which it sounds like she does.

Springadorable · 20/08/2024 22:27

SilverDoe · 20/08/2024 22:24

I don't think YABU to feel frustrated but in the same breath, it can be very tiring living with somebody who has different expectations than you, that you are expected to live up to.

it sounds like you want things to be largely the same in terms of the home life day to day, whereas your wife is finding it tiring to keep up and would prefer to prioritise lowering expectations and being more relaxed.

try and reframe your frustration as a difference in priorities, then see what you can practically do together to make it easier on yourse lves

I don't think not having crisps for dinner is too much of an ask. We only have the energy for simple meals (eg sausage and potato tray bake with peas) but that's five mins prep and chuck it in the oven. Feels achievable.

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