… to want more help from her?

No, people don't have a personality transplant when they have a child. (See also: marriage). Sorry you've learnt that the hard way. She does sound lazy.

If she's actually struggling to keep on top of the housework, point her in the direction of The Organised Mum Method. It's 30mins 5 days a week to stay on top of the house and there's downloadable checklists.

The other 3.5 hours she can prepare dinner and cross off some life admin jobs, it's really not that difficult.

Oh for gods sake, she's taking the piss.

I'm a full time working single parent. I've had to pay for everything by myself, make all of our meals (everything cooked from scratch daily, I also made all baby food from scratch, batch cooked and froze), did 100% of the childcare mornings, evenings, weekends, managed all of the housework and managed all of the mental load.

What I would give for 4 hours a day to keep on top of the above, or someone to pay my bills and split the load with me.

She's taking the absolute piss....

@Dadwithquestion I've been thinking, and the only mitigating factors I can come up with that may excuse her apparent lack of effort/laziness are:

• she's already pregnant. I was knackered and definitely didn't want an evening meal. If she's not already pregnant make sure she stays that way until you resolve this though!
• you're regularly back after 8pm. By which point she'll presumably have done tea time, bath time and bed and be shattered, and have either have eaten already or just too tired to bother. In which case evening food is on you, but she can still help with some other stuff during the day.
• if you are regularly staying later at work/leaving for work earlier than expected or communicated. I felt very resentful towards my partner when this was happening, even though he was working hard. I felt like I was taken for granted at home and not even worth letting know the plan.

Best of luck, current situation is not sustainable so hope you get it sorted!

@Dadwithquestion I agree with whoever said don't have baby number 2 right now. I don't think it's right you're worried about raising it because an argument will ensue. You are totally allowed to raise the situation and say kindly that from your perspective you think it's imbalanced.
If you can't raise this conversation with her through fear she will kick off then there's a problem.

I would just make sure that you won't be screwed in any way should anything happen in the relationship and you separate. I would say the same to any woman saying what you are saying.

If you don't have a slow cooker already, maybe invest in an instant pot. You can make curries in 30 mins and the beef will be tender. There should be plenty of recipe books for instant pot as well like pot roasts, ribs etc. Good luck!

Maybe she could find a full time but fairly non stressful job and just pay for another four hours of childcare that way? Some people are much happier and feel less isolated working.

My thoughts are;

Spreadsheet showing leisure time for each of you.
If she's so tired she needs to go to the GP
You need to be clear that you can't afford take aways or a cleaner and if she wants those she'll have to get a part time job.
Actually she could look for evening work seeing as though you already do it all it won't add to your load.

She appears to be take the piss tbh. Not majorly but she's having a nice social life with her family and friends whilst you pick up the bulk of the work.

Don't have another until this is resolved.

@Dadwithquestion even though this is anonymous, there is something about saying to your partner ' look what I asked and look what everyone said' that is incredibly intrusive and disrespectful and a huge boundary violation in my eyes. Some things really need to stay private. I would not react well at all if I had a partner that did that. You are not wrong to come on here btw. But showing your wife feels very underhanded and not a mature way of managing this situation.

I get the sense from this that your wife is potentially quite dominant and you may struggle to assert yourself with her? People will absolutely take advantage of that OP. I don't mean that to sound critical towards you. Is that potentially what his happening? She is treating you like a bit of a doormat because she thinks you will put up with it?

Just another possible perspective.

So, the kids are in nursery despite her not working but she still feels that only four hours a day isn't enough downtime despite her watching films in the evening and 'chilling' while you cook and do the housework after a long day at work?

Forgot to say I decided to be a solo parent from the start because I wasn't going to be wearing a pinny and kitten heels for my hubby when I was a mother. I wanted to give my energy and time and love to the child, even if that meant sandwiches or ready meals for dinner.

Luckily I can afford to be solo, and avoid the micro-managing'D'H (I used to have one, so I know exactly what it's like!)

I'm 'low energy' in that I have boom or bust energy. I struggle managing my energy as I give it all to my toddler, when they are in nursery I 50% work 50% rest.
I have ND.
It's a battery drainer.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure your wives bitchy sisters opinion matters, she probably thinks you're a twat but nicely your DW hasn't passed that info on to you!

OP, I also wouldn't share this post and our comments as a means to start a conversation with your wife.

I would be absolutely mortified if I was married and my husband did this. Keep this to yourself but of course hopefully there are perspectives on here to help guide your chat with her.

Im feeling very jealous of your wife 🤣 4 hours break a day, a husband who provides all financially and does the bulk of chores, meal planning, budgeting etc. All that and she only has one toddler to look after, who sleeps 10 hours at night! Yes she is taking the piss, why exactly is she so tired? Maybe she should see the doctor and see if she’s low on something, because if everything you have said is true her circumstances definitely are not causing her exhaustion.

If your DC sleeps 10 hrs a day she's seriously unreasonable! I could understand if she wants to use nursery time to catch up on sleep but that doesn't seem to be an issue.

My DC is younger and wakes up multiple times a night. I'm currently on parental leave so "sahm" if you will. I do all the meal plan, grocery shop, cooking (including my husband's work lunch and baby food). Chores and childcare are 50/50 when husband is home. I try to pick up the house when I can during the day but will be best endeavours depending on DC during the day (i.e. if he will be willing to play by himself for a bit, can take a longer nap). If I'm really tired that day, we can order takeout or reheat leftovers I have in the freezer which I try to have saved for emergencies. I would not be happy if my husband doesn't pull his weight or respect me enough to think about me.

Maybe your wife needs to learn some staple slow cooker recipes.

I am concerned she is taking the mickey and is being incredibly lazy. If she is struggling with tiredness despite DC sleeping 10 hours a night then DW needs to see the GP.

I work part time three days a week during school hours. The fourth week day I am child free and the fifth day have the 3 year old (older one is in school FT). In that six hours on my own I still get meal prep done, the house cleaned, washing done etc. All my husband needs to do is to load the dishwasher and wipe the sides after dinner.

I also do all the meal prep, 99% of the cooking, 100% of the laundry and probably all of the school admin too. I leave the household admin (home insurance) and car admin to him as he set them up initially and they are all in his name.

I do all of those things because I'm at home, I absolutely could not sit on my arse all day whilst my husband is working. I absolutely do not aim to be a 1950's housewife but I don't see why my husband should do a long day and do everything because I haven't done it in the spare time I've had during the day.

If I was fortunate enough to stay at home with my children and they were in childcare 4 hours per day, my house would be immaculate.

This isn’t maternity leave. Your son is 2.5…that’s plenty of time
to adjust.

Shes taking the piss.

You both need to sit down and make sure you have the same amount of child-free work-free hours per week.

Yes it won't be 4 hours for her, more like 3 depending on how far away it is.

How many days is that btw? Is it the 15hrs government funded or are you paying for that? Usually it's from 3 but earlier if the child has a disability of some sort.

@Dadwithquestion I can see how this would feel imbalanced for you and how this could breed resentment at some point.

Your wife might just find the reality of being a mum different than the dream. If your child is high energy this can sap alot from you. I'm trying not to make excuses but I'm also going to challenge the lazy interpretation because Maybe there is more going on.

I had a child, my child is Autistic/ ADHD but didn't realise or get assessed until many years later. At the same time I became very unwell and exhausted with non descript unexplained symptoms that crippled me.

On the outside, I looked like a pathetic lazy incompetent mum. Now I know I was living a life with challenges most mum's will not comprehend. I later had multiple debilitating conditions diagnosed after a very long battle and going private. One of these conditions is genetic and made me want to nap every day. I thought that was normal. My child's father pointed out it was odd and obviously thought I was just lazy.

Basically, the only way to know is to communicate. Have a very open, honest conversation with your wife. Be as understanding as possible in order to get answers. You can definitely express your feelings that it feels imbalanced. I think it is ( if there are no other issues like those I experienced and listed above).

If there are no answers and it appears that wife feels this is all ok and all normal, I would seriously consider saying it's not a sustainable set up for you so you need to consider more hours in nursery. Maybe a cleaner is an option but is wife going to help pay? I don't think you're unreasonable.

@Dadwithquestion I don't believe you are in any way unreasonable for feeling this way. I say that as a Mum of a 3 year old myself.

I'm not saying for a minute that the times where she has your toddler come without their own challenges at times. But with 4 hours a day nursery care and a husband picking up the lions share of cooking and half the cleaning etc, your DW needs to step up here. You are a partnership and you both owe it to each other to act like it.

If you were the wife then I'd advise a good heart to heart initially to explain how you felt and be firm about your boundaries being blurred. You're not a doormat. So why should the advice be any different with you being the husband?

So clearly your wife is not bothered by home cooked meals every day
' nor should we aspire to eat cooked meals every day. If left to her own devices she’d probably be content with a few ready made nibbles here and there. '
and that's why you do the meal planning and cooking.
Maybe she can't cook / doesn't enjoy cooking ?

You mention you work irregular hours - what does that mean ?

is she doing her ' an equal share of household chores ' when child is at nursery as you do only claim to do ' an equal share of household chores '

Out of 24 hours in a day how many hours are you at home ? how many hours a day do you see / spend with your child.