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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU with rooms

85 replies

RFinley · 20/08/2024 21:10

I need help figuring out if AIBU. We've got a 3 bed house, a 3 yr (f), a 5 yr (m) and an 19 yr (sd). 3 yr and 5 yr currently share a room, 19 yr has own room and splits time 50/50 between parents, so 3 nights week minimum at ours. We can't afford to move to a bigger house in the same area and we applied for planning for a double storey extension but it's looking like an extension is not going to be affordable or worth the cost for what the planning authority will grant . I also WFH full time and my desk is in our cramped bedroom. I've suggested instead that the younger children continue to share for the next 4 years or so, and that we build a small single storey extension or garden room onto the back of the house which will be an office. I've suggested that when sd turns 23/24 yrs shell be old enough not to have her own room and can have a day bed in the downstairs office to stay on when visiting, and kids at that point have own room. My husband is acting like I've suggested making sd homeless and that I'm an awful person. Really?! I moved out when I was 16 so maybe my perspective is influenced by that but I would not expect to maintain space for a bedroom for a grown up child in their 20s when we're desperate for space and I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest?

OP posts:
IfOnlyTheyWent · 20/08/2024 22:30

This isn't clear, is there another office space downstairs but your DH uses it to WFH?

Original poster
RFinley · 20/08/2024 22:25

@unospaghetto I'm not suggesting she moves out at all, and definitely not now. I'm suggesting she keeps her own room until about 23/24 (when the other two kids are too 'old' by social services standards to share a bedroom) and that she then loses the room with all her stuff in/decorated and that becomes another younger child's bedroom and she has the day bed in my office when she stays, which will be as much as she wants obviously but the difference is she won't be able to hang out in there when I'm working and it won't have all her stuff in. This is a solution 4/5 years away but we need to build whatever space we need now.

OP posts:
Original poster
RFinley · 20/08/2024 22:20

Thanks all this has made me feel much better and less shitty about suggesting it! Although a while a way we have decisions to make now based on what we do to make space for a full time office which we need to do sooner rather than later as the space in our room for a desk is not big enough and I'm getting back problems etc with the set up and tbf waking up 'at work' is pretty depressing, which has kind of forced the conversation because I want to do a small permitted development on the back of the house. My husband instead wants to convert our garage into a bedroom and a small office to maintain sd having her own full time bedroom. His reasoning is that she might not move out until she's 30. I don't think this is feasible because we have so much stored in the garage we won't have anywhere to put it, house is rubbish for storage as it is so I dont think its a good idea, our garage is also disgusting and needs a lot of work so on top of that it'll be a money pit. Sd has mentioned going to uni, but is not very independent so I'm worried how she'll get on or whether she will infact go, she has no interest in working at the moment either and I suppose that's where my husband is coming from. It's difficult!

OP posts:
unospaghetto · 20/08/2024 22:13

@stichguru what 19 year olds can afford their own house these days?
She’s not being cheeky by staying 3 or 4 nights, presumably that’s because she spends half her time with her mother.

@RFinley just because you left home young doesn’t mean you basically evict SD. It is comparatively much more difficult now to afford rent or save for a mortgage.

NDmumoftwo · 20/08/2024 22:08

Your plan is perfectly reasonable. Given it's 5 years away though maybe put it in the pack burner for now. She'll move on her own

stichguru · 20/08/2024 22:02

She's 19 (so old enough to have her own house) and expects her little siblings to share a room, so that she can have her own room to be in 3-4 nights a week? Cheeky sod. Your room, little kids' shared bedroom and their play room, which has a sofa bed in for the 19 year old when she is there. If the extension happens an office and the 19 year old can decide where she wants a sofa bed. There is no way one person who is there 1/2 time and is old enough to rent a different house with different people if she really wants, gets to take space from two people who are there full time and couldn't rent or house share with mates for 13 years and 15 years minimum.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/08/2024 21:58

why are you WFH in your bedroom if there's a downstairs office - does DH WFH too?

If she's only there three days a week, I'd be looking at a desk in 'her' room when she isn't there.
& yes, when she is mid 20's and your two are older, of course they should have their own rooms, with a sofabed arrangement in the office.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 20/08/2024 21:52

My dd 19 spends most time at her bfs. We are moving and she is getting a sofa bed in the lounge!! Haven't told her yet!! Yanbu..

Bushmillsbabe · 20/08/2024 21:47

What are SD's plans? Uni? Working?

I think your plan sounds perfect. She needs somewhere to stay when visiting, but not necessarily a full time room.

AllTheEights888 · 20/08/2024 21:41

You're plan makes perfect sense. It's lovely that you're SD comes to stay, but it's not reasonable for you to keep a room for her when the other children need space.

Hope she'll be looking to get her own place in the next few years and your DH sees sense!