Page 3 | AIBU with rooms

RFinley · 2024-08-20T20:10:35+00:00

I need help figuring out if AIBU. We've got a 3 bed house, a 3 yr (f), a 5 yr (m) and an 19 yr (sd). 3 yr and 5 yr currently share a room, 19 yr has own room and splits time 50/50 between parents, so 3 nights week minimum at ours. We can't afford to move to a bigger house in the same area and we applied for planning for a double storey extension but it's looking like an extension is not going to be affordable or worth the cost for what the planning authority will grant . I also WFH full time and my desk is in our cramped bedroom. I've suggested instead that the younger children continue to share for the next 4 years or so, and that we build a small single storey extension or garden room onto the back of the house which will be an office. I've suggested that when sd turns 23/24 yrs shell be old enough not to have her own room and can have a day bed in the downstairs office to stay on when visiting, and kids at that point have own room. My husband is acting like I've suggested making sd homeless and that I'm an awful person. Really?! I moved out when I was 16 so maybe my perspective is influenced by that but I would not expect to maintain space for a bedroom for a grown up child in their 20s when we're desperate for space and I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest?

Tbskejue · 21/08/2024 07:47

I think that’s fine as a longer term plan but I can see why your DH doesn’t want to set that in stone. I’d be very surprised if at 23/24 she was still coming 50:50; even if she doesn’t have her one place then I’d expect she’d want to be settled the majority of the time in one place

PurpleDiva22 · 21/08/2024 07:31

Going against the grain here, but at 23 I was still in college, coming home every weekend and for all holidays. I then lived at home when I got my first permanent job. I didn't move out until 2 years after I had a permanent job, so mid-late 20s. I would've hated to have been booted onto a day bed.

Lovelysummerdays · 21/08/2024 07:24

I’m sorry but at 19 yo with no interest in working without solid plans to go to uni I’m not surprised you don’t want this to carry on for 10+ years. I think parents don’t do their kids any favours by indulging them. Yes support them to reach goals but not in doing nothing. I think it gets harder the longer it goes on and the gap between an individual and their peers just gets bigger.

I had a job from 14 and moved out at 16 so I might be skewed. My 14 yo had a part time summer job though so maybe takes after me. my dc know that there is an expectation of work / uni after school.

Brahumbug · 21/08/2024 07:14

Instead of an extension, why not buy a garden office building. We have one with electric etc connected and when not in use doubles as a garden room/summer house. It could also be a bedroom for SD, assuming you have the garden space of course.

Createausername1970 · 21/08/2024 07:02

RFinley · 21/08/2024 00:01

@Ibouncetothebeat hi yes her mum lives close and she has a room there, although they're in a similar position with small house, younger kids sharing etc and no money to move or build a large extension so I can't speak for her mum on whether that will change. I guess my question is in mid twenties is it expected that your kids would still have a permanent bedroom or is a place to sleep/stay that is not their own space ok ?

It's such a difficult situation, she could end up feeling in the way in both homes in a few years time. In an ideal world it's actually a conversation both her parents should be having jointly.

AGoingConcern · 21/08/2024 01:39

Do the expansion you can afford now. Make sure you're open to compromise and fair discussion with your husband about the various options (make sure he feels like you're not dismissing the value of having a space for his DD), but I wouldn't prioritize a private bedroom for a mid-twenties child over the financial stability of your family. Most 24 year-olds' lives look very different than they did at 19.

This is always a polarizing topic on MN, but IMO providing housing for adult children is something that's wonderful for parents to do if they're in a good position to do so, but not something adults should expect from their parents.To me it isn't much different than buying a teen a car or paying part of their rent as an adult. If your DH is worried about your DSD not having enough help, look into setting aside a monthly amount into savings to help her with a deposit on her own rental in a few years.

As a child of a blended family and a stepmother to teens with a 50/50 time split, I strongly recommend ignoring the 50/50 time split and all "well she can go stay with her mum" or "our children are here full time so they have priority" lines of discussion. That easily leads to a teen feeling deprioritized in both homes. Try to just approach this as you would if your DSD was your 19 yo DD living with you full time.

DiscoBeat · 21/08/2024 00:53

Things can change so much in 5 years. I'd go ahead and build the office now and leave the youngest to share then go to the day bed plan in a few years time (she may have moved out anyway so not worth the argument now).

sandyhappypeople · 21/08/2024 00:42

RFinley · 21/08/2024 00:15

@sandyhappypeople what I'm suggesting means shed have a bed in a room that would double as my office but it would not be her 'room', so I guess he feels like he's taking her personal space away and mid twenties would be too young to do that. Our garage is an out building with no heating, electricity, mice and a plastic roof covered in mould. It's not a simple partition job. She absolutely can share a room with her sister but I know she would refuse and my husband would not agree to that because of the age gap

Our garage is an out building with no heating, electricity, mice and a plastic roof covered in mould.

Sounds cosy!.. and at least she'd have some company in there! 😂

I understand his reluctance, he always wants her to feel like she has a home with you and if she doesn't have her own space/bedroom there she may make alternative arrangements and he'd feel guilty feeling like he's forced her out to make room for his new family. That's no reflection on you in the slightest, but broken homes often create a lot of guilt.

I think you do have to bear that in mind, as it could lead to resentment if she essentially chooses to leave based on not having a bedroom anymore, but what I meant on my post was, if this is 3-4 years away, why not just build the garden room for your needs now, and ask SD what she would like to happen in a couple of years when the little ones are too old to share?

Surely she is the best person to ask, rather than you and DH disagreeing over hypothetical situations and trying to create solutions to a problem that may not even exist.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 21/08/2024 00:22

I think he's being very unreasonable. Mid 20's is more than old enough to have moved out, and if not to at least give way in priority to the kids approaching their teens; all three kids need privacy but she will be the only one who is an adult and therefore able to obtain her own privacy, the younger kids have no choice.

Zonder · 21/08/2024 00:21

I would go for an extension now that's your office and a day bed. She could help decorate it. The garage really doesn't sound like a sensible option but something to give you good working conditions is really important.

Original poster

RFinley · 21/08/2024 00:15

@sandyhappypeople what I'm suggesting means shed have a bed in a room that would double as my office but it would not be her 'room', so I guess he feels like he's taking her personal space away and mid twenties would be too young to do that. Our garage is an out building with no heating, electricity, mice and a plastic roof covered in mould. It's not a simple partition job. She absolutely can share a room with her sister but I know she would refuse and my husband would not agree to that because of the age gap

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sandyhappypeople · 21/08/2024 00:07

Why doesn't he like the idea of a extra room being built downstairs? It sounds like that would solve the problem?

Surely the issue of her having a separate bedroom is neither here nor there at the moment, the worst case scenario is that she would share with your daughter in a few years time?

As an option could you not partition the garage (for an extra bedroom) and still build an extra room or garden office downstairs?

Original poster

RFinley · 21/08/2024 00:01

@Ibouncetothebeat hi yes her mum lives close and she has a room there, although they're in a similar position with small house, younger kids sharing etc and no money to move or build a large extension so I can't speak for her mum on whether that will change. I guess my question is in mid twenties is it expected that your kids would still have a permanent bedroom or is a place to sleep/stay that is not their own space ok ?

OP posts:

Ibouncetothebeat · 20/08/2024 23:56

What's her set up at her mums? If she has her own room there and it's close by she probably won't need a bedroom for much longer anyway.

FrillyKnickersAndNoFurCoat · 20/08/2024 23:17

stichguru · 20/08/2024 22:02

She's 19 (so old enough to have her own house) and expects her little siblings to share a room, so that she can have her own room to be in 3-4 nights a week? Cheeky sod. Your room, little kids' shared bedroom and their play room, which has a sofa bed in for the 19 year old when she is there. If the extension happens an office and the 19 year old can decide where she wants a sofa bed. There is no way one person who is there 1/2 time and is old enough to rent a different house with different people if she really wants, gets to take space from two people who are there full time and couldn't rent or house share with mates for 13 years and 15 years minimum.

@stichguru
You're being ridiculous.
How many 19 years olds can afford to rent or buy their own home. There's a housing crisis which I'm sure you're aware of. Rentals are hard to come by and what 19 year old earns enough to cover rent and a deposit.

Original poster

RFinley · 20/08/2024 23:01

@Tumbler2121 thanks, as I've said we need to decide now whether or not to build a small office now, so yes though we're talking about things in the future in terms of room the decision we need to take is now not in 4 years time. Also the post is about whether it was unreasonable for me to suggest what I have done? My husband wants to either spend ridiculous money on an extension we can't afford or convert the garage which will leave us with no space

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Tumbler2121 · 20/08/2024 22:58

This whole thread is about 4 years time, maybe concentrate on now and the immediate future? SD could be living in Australia with a partner and child by then!

Createausername1970 · 20/08/2024 22:57

I think your plan is reasonable, but at some point over the next year or so (maybe when she turns 20) you need to involve her in the conversation, if you haven't already done so.

"DSD, as you know we are very happy for you to be living here for as long as you want, but in a few years Sonny and Cher will be too old to share so we need to think about options. What are your thoughts?"

AngryBookworm · 20/08/2024 22:45

This all seems perfectly fair to me, OP. You could always promise her some storage space or similar to keep her old stuff in like a built in closet in the office that only gets opened when she stays over. But at 23 she should have somewhere else to live (or at least something to get her out of the house) - and if she's shown no interest in working and lacks direction, maybe this will give her the hint that she can't expect to just hang around forever. I get that these things are sensitive but it's not as though she wouldn't have a roof over her head.

stichguru · 20/08/2024 22:45

unospaghetto · 20/08/2024 22:13

@stichguru what 19 year olds can afford their own house these days?
She’s not being cheeky by staying 3 or 4 nights, presumably that’s because she spends half her time with her mother.

@RFinley just because you left home young doesn’t mean you basically evict SD. It is comparatively much more difficult now to afford rent or save for a mortgage.

I never said she shouldn't live/stay with her mother, or that her mother should throw her out. I said she shouldn't expect a DEDICATED bedroom when:

she has another home elsewhere
she is old enough to rent herself if she wanted (I know plenty of 18/19 year olds who live in shared houses with friends)
there are other kids who are at home all the time, and are too young to chose to rent with friends or anything.

Babyworriesreal · 20/08/2024 22:42

It sounds fine, as long as she has her own space at jer mum's house. She's got to have a base, and own space and storage somewhere.

Original poster

RFinley · 20/08/2024 22:40

@steppemum yes I agree that would be great if workable but for our house the loft isn't boarded out and is already full of stuff (we can't throw away), our garage is in bad shape but contains a motorbike, all my husband's work crap, and I use it as well for a business I run in addition to my day job so it's the question of where would that all go if we converted the garage (which would cost similar if not more due to its condition). Our garden is not big enough for additional sheds, the only space we have is immediately out the back of the kitchen which is where we'd extend.

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Original poster

RFinley · 20/08/2024 22:35

@IfOnlyTheyWent hi no we have no office space. My husband does not work from home, he works part time hours out of the house and looks after our youngest in the week. I work from home full time but I have no office space. The only space I have to work from is mine and my husband's bedroom. This is a fairly new job where I now work from home full time and I'm finding working from the bedroom unsustainable. There is not enough space in our bedroom for a proper office chair or desk so I'm experiencing pretty bad back pain and having a desk at the end of the bed just doesnt help with mental health. We were going to do a two storey extension with an additional bedroom and office but it doesn't look like we'll be able to afford it or be granted what we need in terms of space by planning anyway. I have therefore suggested we build a single storey permitted development at the back of the house which will be an office for me to use now, and that sd keeps her current bedroom for the next 4/5 years and then she loses it at that point and uses a day bed in the office when she stays as at that point the two younger kids, who are not the same gender, will be too old to share.

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DreamTheMoors · 20/08/2024 22:33

My sister and I shared a room and my brother had a room.
Then he moved to university and instead of moving sister into brother’s bigger, better room, our parents turned it into an office for my dad who already had an office ten minutes away.
My poor sister.
Then when I was 20, my parents moved up in the world and bought a nice house across town.
And I was gifted 20 years of crap my mum had saved that she thought was special - like art projects and drawings and crap from my childhood. It was a lot of crap.
And I didn’t have a room at all in my parent’s house any more.
And here I am 40 years later - a survivor - able to talk about it lol.

steppemum · 20/08/2024 22:32

I agree that dd doesn't need a room in the long term.

But I think it would be much more cost effective to get serious shed storage in the garden and/ or loft (and have a clear out) and convert the garage and make bedroom (even if tiny, it would be a bedroom) and your office.

It would certainly be cheaper than an extension.

You could even have a room with a sofa bed and lots of storage?