AIBU with rooms

The idea of her potentially being aged 30 and still splitting her time 50:50 between her parents is ridiculous.

Your solution sounds perfect. Perhaps your husband could start a small savings pot so that he could give her something in a few years to help get on her own feet in a flatshare with friends or similar

Can't you use the 19 Yr olds room for an office especially when she's not there. Even if she is if it's during the day she can sit in the living room. You would just need to keep the work area tidy in boxes when she is there.

I genuinely don't see why this decision needs to be made now. You can do a nice garden room that meets your working from home needs for now and is within budget. 3-4 years down the line, you can decide on bricks and morter extensions and what is affordable. Your younger child will be in school, so potentially your husband can have a bigger income. You may have changed jobs by then anyway.

I would get rid of the junk in your garage and convert that into a bedroom like your husband suggests.

Yanbu. Your opposite sex children will require separate rooms when the older one approaches puberty so in around five years time. It’s not like sd is being told there is nowhere for her to sleep! Your solution sounds perfectly reasonable and no an adult child should not expect a room to be kept exclusively for them for ever more .

@RFinley I'm not wanting to scare you lol but my stepson is 52 this year & hasn't left home yet! I doubt he ever will 🤦‍♀️ He's always worked & is perfectly healthy, just has no inclination to move out. And no, 52 isn't a typo unfortunately! 😣

you have 3 years before it really becomes a necessity - maybe another 18mths after that depending on your son really (Littlest one wouldn't be that bothered till around 8 but then son would be too old). My view would be she gets smallest room and sharers get next one up. My parents actually gave up the largest room for myself and my sister and had a smaller room for a while when we were cramped at home (6 kids 4 bed house) so that might also be an option. Some sort of garden office for you that is connected up. Alternatively are there any shared space offices near you - technically not at home but would be better than a commute in and you get internet etc (easily secured etc by someone in the know) could work short term. I would be making noises about returning to the office and meaning DH take on some of the "load" you will find that might sort things too...

If you put the small kids in the biggest room could you have a cupboard office in there?? so its shuttable to avoid kids in there. Small kids don't need alot in bedrooms really do that might work better with a decent desk chair and desk at right height. You are aware work should provide furniture etc??

Once an adult and living at home they should be contributing to the household. Go and continue studies or get a job otherwise she will be with you until you retire.

can you set up office in her room on days she’s not living there and so that should alleviate some pain. You are just leaving it empty while everyone suffers.

you might just have to be ruthless and get rid of stuff in loft and garage. If you haven’t used it in a year then will you ever use it again? What’s the point in keeping it? Make a photo album as you don’t need the physical item

I think you just need to decide along with DH what is best. Garage conversion and get a concrete shed to store everything in (not a wooden shed) or, get extension started asap. That way, if SD stops staying over and one of other kids eventually want to move into extension ok. Either way you would have a room to WFH in sooner it's sorted the longer you have to make it nice and furnish it to make it cosy. Could you not have a corner in lounge to WFH in, presumably others are at nursery/ school/work in daytime.

There is no sense in her having a room of her own which sits empty 50% of the time whilst the other four occupants are crammed into 2 bedrooms 100% of the time.

YANBU
ive just moved house due to a bereavement
which meant it was smaller so my 19 nearly 20 year old son who is at uni is on the sofa when he comes home now ,we spend a lot of time in the kitchen and dining room anyway
if he wants to sleep if he’s hungover etc in he gets in my bed.
What you are proposing is perfectly fine.

The other option is a pull out bed in your dd room once the youngest are too young to share with maybe a privacy divider.
I have no idea what your room sizrs are like, but could this be done with the largest besroom or second largest?
This is what I did for my step child who stayed with us 3 days a week. As my children were 8 years apart and lived with us full time.

I literally made a tiny space that was devided off with ikea shelving which also acted as storage. Then a single day bed/sofa bed

There is no easy answer but just curious what you’d do if this was an older, joint child who lived with you full time.
In my experience she would, at some stage, be asked to share with her younger, same sex sibling. The age gap does complicate things but many children are expected to share a room with siblings.

Have you thought about a garden room? They can be big enough for an office, bedroom and small toilet and shower. Your sd would probably love having her own place in a way and you could still use it as your office. Cheaper than an extension too.

I don’t think you are unreasonable as you are looking ahead to 4 years time and she could have decided to move out by then anyway. However we all know it is not as easy for young adults to move out now as it was when many of us were younger.

I suppose the problem here for your DSD is that her mother may be facing the same dilemma and she loses both rooms! I would let her know that she will always have a place in the home so that she feels secure but ultimately a lot can change in 4 years and the dilemma may naturally be taken out of your hands.

You can't put her in a pod in the garden

Sounds absolutely fine. I'd make sure the room is set up well to be turned into a room and be prepared if she wants to leave a partner or something that it may be used as her room for the medium term.

Rather than a day bed there are pull down beds she can use. So it becomes her bedroom when she is there and you relocate . It's her house as much as it is your children's.

That sounds fine. She may well be living with mates or a bf/gf by that time anyway.
As long as the sofa bed thingy is fairly comfortable and she can treat that room as her own when she's there. So she will still get personal space.
If you talk to her about it I'm sure she'll be fine. But it doesn't even need bringing up for a couple of years really.
The new extension room will be appealing and novel so she's bound to be pleased to have use of it on her days with you.

It sounds like you are trying to come up with reasonable comprimises. I have 2 older step sons. 24 and 20 now. When they were younger they always had their own room (shared) . We had one spare so wasn't as difficult a situation for us. But now they are older, oldest in the army, and 20yr old in uni, their 'room' isnt really theirs anymore. Like yes, it's a bedroom, but it's used as a spare room for anyone rather than it being just theirs. At that age they are hardly around, always either working or with friends lol. Sounds like with the way you are thinking your sd would still have a place to sleep when or IF she chooses to stay over night when she is in her 20s. Maybe he just feels bad at the idea of her not having her "own space" which I do kinda get. At the same time though I think these things naturally change over time. Not the best idea trying to make future plans with men ! 🤣 but the plans you are making in your head, I suspect, will just naturally happen over time ..not many girls go and stay at their dads house for the weekend by the time they reach their 20s...or even at mums for that matter 🤣

Your WFH solution needs prioritising, then the bedrooms. Have you looked at garden pods? My sister got something called a Hully pod that is just craned into situ, fully insulated with electrics etc for £5k but they start at £2k ish. You could get two and SD has her own garden room? It would be much cheaper than an extension and they're quite pretty.

hullypods.com/

Remove the 'step' element from the situation and ask yourself the same question. Would you be happy for that to be our own child's situation at that age?

I have no step children just two of my own. If I was in your position, at 23/24 I would do the same.

To be fair though, I moved out at 18 for uni. My room got turned into a spare room for guests that I got to use IF I came home for the summer and 'officially' moved out at 20. By 23/24 I'd hope my children where living in shared houses / their own places if they could afford it for the experiences that I had/went though. There is so much to be said for living independently in shared houses etc at that age and experiencing that before finding your feet.

I understand your position, and I don't think you are being deliberately unkind to SD or anything, but in honesty I would side with your husband here. For me it will always be a priority for my child to have a dedicated room at my house, even when she is an adult, which is hers to use as and when and move back into fully if she needs to.

I say this as someone who has, as an adult, had to move back in with my mom and dad at quite short notice on a couple of occasions, due to relationship breakdown. It made those tricky times in my life so much easier, knowing that there was a room for me always there - and they still have one for me, and one for my brother (his is also available for my daughter) even tho I am nearly 50!

Of course people have to downsize sometimes, or other needs arise, and financially this may just be impossible in some cases.

But I would prioritise it over a lot of other things.....

Could she have a room that also functions as a hot-desk type space for you to work in when she is not there?

Ultimately, it's your husband's home as well, and it doesn't really matter what Mumsnetters think - if your husband feels strongly his view is as valid as yours.

Out of interest (and no judgement here at all) what is your relationship like with SD. I ask because, if it's rocky, this could appear personal to her, even tho it really isnt.

Why not just reassess the situation in a few years, chances are the older child will visit less / move out without needing a formal plan around it.

I think it's a bit harsh to set a deadline personally, after all you guys chose to have more kids knowing you didn't have enough space if you consider it from another perspective.

As a compromise could you put a desk in the older child's room and use that as a wfh space on the days they aren't visiting?

I'd do the office now as you need it. Re visit the bedroom situation in 3 years time. Sdd may have moved out. You may c
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