AIBU with rooms

It does seem a shame that your dsd is in the same situation in both her homes. Would her parents be able to help her out with a deposit on a place of her own, or help securing a rental in a couple of years, then she has her own space and it's perfectly fine to always be welcome at yours and her mums on sofa beds?

Apologies if this has already been suggested, I've only skimmed and not read fully. Could you build the office, but have foundations laid that are suitable for a second story at a later date, subject to planning and later requirements? That way it fits your immediate needs, but leaves the option open for the future?

I think your house is maybe too small!
Could you do a loft conversion plus the garden room ?

I didn't need a bedroom at home after 21 but my rent was only £150 a month or something in my flat share, it's a totally different housing environment for young people these days and you can't assume your 19yo would be able to move out.

Im with your DH. My children will have a room at home for as long as they need it. Hopefully they’ll be independent sooner rather than later but it’s not unreasonable or unusual for adult children to need to be at home until they are closer to thirty nowadays. You are unlikely to tell your own 24 year olds that they need to leave home if they want a bedroom.

@likethislikethat
Ridiculous comment, circumstances change.

I've wfh for many years and you need a good office space, not just a desk in a bedroom, i'd say it's a must have!

An office at the bottom of the garden would be my preferred option. I had one of these at my old house. I'm now in a dedicated room in the house but given the option I'd have the office in the garden.

There are a few you can section a bedroom off and still have an office, for less than the cost of an extension

Looking 5+ or 10+ years down the line and still saying that you cannot move when you'd had too many kids for your property is being rather selfish.

You need to examine your finances and find a bigger property.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/property/4847793-cheapest-way-to-add-an-extra-room this thread had the links in

Have you looked at the modular/prefab extensions (they used one on BBC your home made perfect) it may be a quick/cheaper way to get you office space now without commiting to huge investment /longterm decision. But to answer your question no I don't think you were unreasonable at all in your suggestion but can also understand your husband wanting to house his daughter even when an adult. It's tricky with lots of different loyalties at play.

I think this must depend on family dynamics - my room was re-assigned to my younger sister the same week I moved to Uni - if I went home to visit then I slept on the settee in the living room, and I never thought twice about that (or considered going home for summer - I just rented and worked through)

If there's space for an extension, then there's space for a shed which can hold the stuff currently in the garage (although the motorbike might be challenging if you can't get it round there), and I'd think that a garage conversion would be cheaper - it's certainly worth checking out.. Including if it's cheaper if it's a non-living space, ie. and office (with a sofabed) as opposed to a fully fledged room.

I'd suggest to your husband that you build the extension and in 4 or 5 years time, your son uses it at night. You'll be using it as an office during the day so it'll be totally his after school, and if you have a pull down bed, that will make enough space for both of you. The important thing is that you need a workspace now.

When it comes to it, in 4 or 5 years time, you may agree all round that SD would be better in there!

Another alternative would be to totally replace the garage with a pod (my neighbours have done this, it's totally insulated and fab), use half for an office and put the bike in it, and a bed for SD.

An even more wild suggestion would be to join a David Lloyd club if there is one nearby and work from there as I see the same faces working from there every time I go - they have workdesk stations and internet, plus you get a gym to use!

Does your DH expect his DD to continue splitting her week as an adult? that usually tapers off late teens with work, study etc
Why is she not working or studying? sounds like she's very immature and he isn't doing anything to encourage independence.

On reflection I side with your DH. It’s great to actually hear about a divorced father fully wanting to be engaged in his child’s upbringing past the minimum age allowed in law.
You do sound reasonable, so I’m not having a pop, however we keep hearing about this generation leaving school now really suffering with anxiety, less maturity etc and she has the added difficulty of living between two families both of whom have moved on with young children.
This has become an immediate issue because you decided to take a wfh position without there being anywhere viable for you to wfh, not that there should be any finger pointing for that choice.

Other posters have pointed out the high percentages of young people living at home due to saving for house deposits or straight after Uni as they find their feet. I honestly think parents should expect this now for a certain amount of time (not 52!). It is also not your SD’s fault both sets of parents decided to have multiple extra children and space has become limited.
There are solutions, go for the extension which makes you all comfortable and adds value to your property, build into the attic, get the garage demolished and rebuilt to suit your needs, add a garden room/pod or rent a cheap workspace close by.
Some may deem it reasonable to expect your SD to sleep on a pull down in an office which must not be personalised and which must be vacated to suit your work schedule but it’s not going to make her feel particularly wanted or valued in reality.
Put all the stuff in storage if it must be kept and get better in-house storage solutions to make life less cluttered for the whole family.
What did strike me the most is that SD is floundering as to her next steps - surely her parents (& you if you have time/are willing) should be helping her negotiate her way to a good decision. Many of my friends, myself included, have had to put a lot of time into helping our children find work or suitable Uni places. They seem unduly anxious of Uni life and scared of debt, being stabbed in big Cities etc.
If her dad can help her get set up she’ll likely become more independent quicker too.

I wonder if you would have the same thoughts if she were your own daughter. Don't compare your experiences with what you expect of SD, life is very difficult for youngsters these days.

I find it a bit sad that expectations for her are limited to still being in her childhood bedroom(s) in the family home(s) in her mid-twenties. No moving away to uni, or getting a job she can rent a room on, or moving in with a partner.

I came home for a family event three weeks after leaving for uni at 18. My bedroom had become my brother’s and the little box room he’d been in was much needed storage! Perfectly reasonable, the space was required. If I needed a place to kip I was welcome to the sofa. Learned to stand on my own two feet - including working really hard to pay rent in an expensive city.

Sorry if it’s been suggested. If you build a room outside for your office, could you build it big enough to house an office and a space for her?

Would you do that if she was your own child ?
I wouldn’t so same would go for. SC

I do see your husband's point of view. He wants her to feel she has a home and security there. What about clearing out and converting the loft which could be cost effective - since you are keeping the garage for storage? Either that or build a single-storey extension with an office and a bedroom (neither has to be huge; what's the width available across the back of the house?) but could still be cheaper than doing a two-storey.

I personally wouldn't want my daughter sharing with her older brother at ages 3 and 5 nevermind when they are older.

What you could also do is have the F share a room and your DS gets DSD original room somewhere down the line. I'm sure your DD would love having an extra bed for having friends over etc anyway.

I'd hope by 24 DSD would potentially have her own place.

Can’t she live with mom full time and visit you guys regularly?

I moved into a 2 bed flat when my son went to Uni, and so he doesn’t have a bedroom with me, but does have his own room at his dad’s 1 mile away. I have ended up on the sofa bed all summer as he doesn’t want to spend time at his dads for a host of reasons. I do feel bad he doesn’t have his own room, but he’s not bothered. It’s a lot harder for kids to get set up with their own place these days, but I don’t think your plan is unreasonable. I wouldn’t build an expensive extension and then she moves out a year later. I also wouldn’t be having a 19yr old not working or not in college, she needs to be doing something

If the garage is just for storage I would do it up and get a shed or two

have you thought about renting a desk in a shared office space? working at the library? build a small summer house / garden room just for your work? a fold down desk with high shelving for storing your work stuff in the living room?

The SD's room is a separate issue but you need to have a proper working space with chair and desk, and maybe you need to get away from the house, at least for part of the day.

I think you are being very fair and practical. Maybe your dsd will go to uni or move into a house share in next 4-5 years. Your DH is acting ridiculously.