when to stop buying DC's birthday presents?

So, having read the updates, it’s a DSC problem.

I would probably go along with the meal, but tell them (not discuss like it’s a negotiation) there will be no presents going forward because COL crisis etc.

They can like it or lump it. Or do you think DH will then try to palm them some cash? How combined are your finances?

I get a birthday present from my mum and I'm 39! I've usually told her what I want though. :)

But I do get her a present for HER birthday as well. That's the difference.

I buy gifts for my adults DDs birthdays. They don't live nearby so often it is cash to get what they want. E.g. DD2 wanted new trainers for her birthday so she got the money to buy them herself. They are aged 26 and 31. I can't see us stopping doing this. My 84yo DM still gives me £20 in a card for my birthday. She would be horrified at the idea of giving me nothing. I buy her a gift for her birthday.

I would never stop buying for them! Why are you paying for a meal for 2? Buy something for the birthday person, not the spouse.

my kids don’t buy me anything as I don’t celebrate my birthday, no one does so its not an issue for me. But please don’t stop.

My parents stopped when I was 18 until they happened to be in the area on my birthday and we went out for a meal with the IL's. MIL is very generous with us and my mum was embarrassed. Since then they've always sent me something. I've always been expected to get them something.

DH's family is weird in that they only give gifts if they find something the recipient would love. So if they can't think of something to give someone, then they don't get a present for that birthday/Christmas. I make sure to arrange something from the DC for the IL's. We tried taking MIL out for her birthday once but she snuck off to pay so now we invite them to ours and cook for them.

I'm 38 and haven't had a gift from a parent or PIL for years now. I don't buy a gift for mum as she prefers a day out instead so I treat her to that. I've always bought a gift for MIL but decided to stop this year as she didn't even get me a card this year. I think they stopped buying us gifts once we had DC.

I tell/ask folk not to get me gifts, so it wouldn't bother me not getting anything tbh. I think I'd still give gifts to my son and a partner/any children should he have them, but they would probably become smaller as time goes on.

Mine are mid 40s, I buy birthday presents, usually a voucher nowadays, at Christmas we do a Secret 🎅 .

Stops when we have our own kids in this family

You say your children are 30 ish but your DSC are older but have never given you a card, a gift, nor cooked a meal or treated you to a dinner out. That is mean or spirit to not even send a card or get some flowers or chocolates as token gesture.

If your DSC are in their late 30s - stop bothering, it's madness to think you have to treat them the same. Stop being dictated to by spoilt, ungrateful giant babies. Tell your DH (and your DSC)- he takes care of his children, you take care of your children. What are your DSC going to do - stop doing nice things for you, oh they never did.

I mean, if you can’t afford it just tell them. My Granny is 88 and still buys my Mum (68) a gift for both birthday and Christmas. And my Mum buys me gifts and I’m 42! I also buy for them, wouldn’t occur to me not to.

Dad still gets me bday and Christmas gifts, I’m 36. However, I pay for a meal for him and get him a gift on bday/christmas.

your kids are BU.

Sorry forgot to add but my children buy me presents too. X

Never they're still my children. X

I don’t expect to stop giving my children gifts for birthdays or Christmases. I would love it if we also continue celebrating with a special meal - ours is normally at home with menu chosen by the birthday person.

I understand what you are saying about finances, you could reduce the cost by making the gift more of a token or by making the birthday treat either a gift or a meal rather than both.

in truth, my DC behave in a way as most have pointed out, but i have to treat all my children the same so if DSC stop receiving gifts then my DC will have too as well.

No- you don't have to treat them all the same. The DSC are now adults and if they don't reciprocate and aren't grateful, just stop doing it. I still give my children aged 47 and 51 both Birthday and Christmas presents - but we don't spend a small fortune and we may or may not see them for a meal at Birthdays, but don't usually pay for their meals

They don't gift you?
You don't have to buy an expensive gift and certainly not a meal out.

I was horrified reading this. I wouldn't care if my son was 10 or 50, I'd always get them a gift and celebrate.

I'm 45 and I still get birthday and Christmas presents from my parents, I thought that was normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can understand why you didn't post that first, but in fairness I don't think it matters that they are a SC, if you said it was just one of your kids out of all of them the conundrum would be the same, you aren't unreasonable for feeling that way.

I'm not sure where the tradition came that you always paid for the meals out, but in our family whenever we've gone out for a birthday meal everyone pays their own way and everyone brings gifts/cards to the meal normally. My DH's family are of the opinion that if you suggest a meal out then they have to pay for everyone!! We've managed to get them to our way of thinking but it's been a bit of a battle, I think it's a bit of a pride thing for FIL, he wants to be the provider, my dad was just the same, when I go out with my MIL we take turns or share everything no problems.

Could you just not offer to take them out? When it comes to their birthday just wait for them to bring it up then say "times are a bit tough, so we weren't going to offer, but if you did want to go out, we'd be happy to come and split the bill between everyone" .. your kids sound very reasonable so I'm sure would be happy to go along with that, if your SC don't want to do that then happy days, it's a win win.. just remember you may never go out with them for a meal again though unless you offer to pay 😀

Not sure about gifts, I'd find it hard to stop personally, my parents and PIL always buy us gifts and we do them, I have just stopped giving money & presents to some family members of mine on birthdays that are in their thirties, they don't sent a card or text me or even say thank you for anything I get them so it's just a card from now on.

I'm over 60 and my Mum still buys me a birthday present, and I cannot imagine not getting something for my DC.
The difference is, they always buy for me and DH ( and each other), and the eldest will often pay for meals out for us. The youngest is still a student , so doesn't have money for meals out currently, but when he was working, took us all out to dinner with his first paycheck.
Can your DSC afford to pay for meals out?
If they don't get you presents, I think I'd stop buying for them, and maybe invite them for a meal at home rather than in a restaurant - dinner and drinks for 4 can easily come to £200+, so if money is tight I can see why you wouldn't want to be paying out for all the birthdays. I certainly don't think it's necessary to take them all out on their partners birthdays. Let DH cook a celebratory meal for his DC.

It’s easy to make things completely fair, @againtomorrow - you buy gifts for your children, your husband buys gifts for his.

If he buys rubbish gifts or forgets, that’s not your problem to solve.

You can knock the meals out on the head by saying they stop at age (whatever - age of eldest DSC) and everyone else stops getting birthday meals when they get that old too.

My children have been getting us gifts since they started secondary school - obviously budget-appropriate! - and if I were your DH I’d give his kids holy hell for being so ungenerous and grabby.

My son is a thousand miles from me. I live in Florida and he is in Pennsylvania. We both have the same habit of collecting things the other would like. Candies, spices, cards, new specialty foods, photos, anything really and when we have enough to fill a small box, we send it. I usually time one so it’s there for his birthday, usually a few small wrapped things and money. Same for Christmas, except at Christmas there are a lot of his favorite baked things. Rum balls, little mouse cookies, “Soft peanut brittle”, which is hard to explain. And money again. I have INSISTED he stop buying me gifts, but he does sometimes anyway. Neither of us, nor DH, are big on birthdays and Christmas, so the little surprises are the best.

Just stop doing it yourself for your (very selfish and grabby) DSC. And if your DH doesn't bother doing it for his DC well that's on him.

I have 4 AC and buy presents or take them out for their birthdays. All of their DPs also treated the same.

3 of the AC always buy me something for my birthday and at Christmas we have a Secret Santa.

The 4th AC rarely remembers my birthday and always spends Christmas with DP's family, so doesn't get involved with Secret Santa. I still buy for him and his DW. Am I a mug?