To be annoyed with DP over cancelled holiday

I don't think it matters why someone does something hurtful unless they are considering how they won't do it again.

If you allow the narrative that one person's paid employment is more important than anything else including commitments they made to you, you will have a life where they continually let you down.

Your DH sounds like mine. We had a few holidays where I've been on my own with the kids part of the time because he had some unbreakable work commitment - he used to tell me he couldn't help it, but I work in the same area and knew perfectly well that at least some of those commitments were things he could have scheduled another time if he'd applied his mind to it. I think the problem was that he compartmentalised - home and work were two different things, and when he was setting up something for work he never really stopped to think about whether he had any commitments at home.

Generally it didn't necessarily matter because we tended to have self-catering holidays that were quite flexible, and at least in the early stages I quite liked doing the driving and having the extra space in the car. However, there was one where I'd put a lot of effort into arranging an uninterrupted week, including busting a gut to remind him several times, and he still had a work issue blow up after we got there. I was really upset and showed it, and I think that brought him up short: he went to a lot of trouble to come back after the work thing was dealt with, and managed to get his act together for holidays ever since.

I have an ex husband like this!

never missed football training or work meetings but frequently messed up dates we had booked to go away, visit my family (never a problem for his) or he was too busy for my things but not his.

1 staff day at work isn’t going to be pivotal in his entire career, his overall performance will be and you are being put at the bottom of the pile. He is using this to manipulate you. I don’t know 1 person who got promotion because of attending 1 staff day, they got it for excellent overall achievement.

id go with a friend or he joins you later. If he refuse to join you later go with a friend.

you are offering up excuses for him but it sounds like he has form for this and basically it just comes down to you not being important enough to remember. I bet you don’t diary fuck up your child’s school play etc, that’s important so you prioritise it

He obviously needs more practice at organising stuff. I would tell him that he has 2 days to plan and organise a UK weekend away, otherwise you're going on the original weekend with or without him.

He's really hopeless with practical matters and I kind of have to organise everything/remind him of stuff.

Why do so many women sign up to deal with and excuse men's learned incompetence? I don't get it at all.

It has got to be infuriating.

Which is fair enough but then why put the option of him being a knob in the poll? OP should know what people are going to go with on MN.

My DH has ADHD and he can be like this. He holds it together at work (although he's late for, and forgets, meetings) but is disorganised about dates in our personal lives.
I've learnt through experience to manage this carefully. I can't just tell him dates and expect him to remember. I have to tell him then put it in his work and home diary then remind him regularly. It's annoying but it mostly works.

YOU don't want HIS career to be impacted. That's very thoughtful of you.

What is his desire for not impacting his own family life/relationship with you??? Does he care that what he is doing (or in this case, not doing) is impacting that? If he did, would he repeat it? Does he repeat the behaviour that has brought you to this point?

In my opinion, if he really cared about your happiness, he'd be taking steps to check calendars and even (if it was for something big like this) checking with you to see if you're double booked or not. He doesn't. He didn't.

It's a team building day. Having been on many team building days in my career, they happen and yes, people miss out on them due to other commitments that clash with the day that the team building day is on. It's not life or death and there will be another one at some time in the future. Has he explained why this one would be the deciding factor in any career progression???

Yeah but maybe he isn't a knob @Coconutter24 and just someone who's scatty and a bit shit at organisation.

There's general disorganisation then there's being an intentional prick, and the OP seems fairly sure which side he lies on.

I think if you read your comments on this thread you will see you are in fact a male apologist. It’s the one thing I noticed reading the thread! You’ve asked people if he’s a knob in the YANBU part but have then gone on to defend at every opportunity

Please don't tie yourself down to having a child with this man. Please don't.

Is there really no way you can push it all back one day?

Can’t you change it to a later date then? Go the following weekend? I’d be annoyed too but there’s definitely ways to solve this, it doesn’t need to be cancelled entirely.

Go abroad - you need it!

He's a complete knob to do this to you so I'd use the time that you're away to give the relationship a long hard look and decide if this is the type of thing that you are willing to put up with time and again.

Then you need to have a conversation depending on what you've decided.

But definitely do go abroad for yourself if nothing else!

I would be LIVID about this. A rare and much looked forward to holiday being scuppered by an overlooked team building exercise? Really?? That's messed up!

If building a team is more important than building a relationship with you then you have your long term answer, don't you?

Just realise that if you do have a child with this man it absolutely will be you doing all of the grunt work. He will love the child no doubt but it will be you doing all the work and eventually you will resent him because of it.

Does he genuinely have "calendar incompetence" or could he just not be arsed to check?

as terrible as "oops, i have calendar incompetence so the person i marry will have to do all the admin and occasionally have their holidays fucked up because of ditzy ol' me!"?

go without him
do that every time he displays calendar incompetence

don't have a child with him

Did he lie and say he’d checked his calendar when he hadn’t, or did you just not discuss it?

No, you shouldn’t have to remind him. But I can’t imagine booking a holiday without everyone involved confirming they’ve checked the dates are ok.

Who does this for him at work?

Unless you want to spend the rest of you life managing this man's diary then it's time to have a massive rethink.

And FGS don't have a child with him.

I say again, that's a terrible principle to bring into a marriage.

There are two types of men I would avoid like the plague and try to educate my daughter to avoid. (Obviously not the violent, abusive, truly appalling men)

They are the apparantly nice, kind men who (a) need "fixing" in some way.This is not a partner's job-get yourself fixed then try dating again- or (b) who have reached adulthood while remaining incompetent about basic stuff. It means they have had the slack picked up for them by others-and will always expect that to happen for them.

@Hateam if the op constantly fits in with him and loses out on opportunities is that a good thing? Why should she be told to cancel and rearrange it to suit him?

I'm not saying to do it from a place of resentment or hostility. More to continue to enjoy her life and if he wants to be a part of that he needs to step up.