SS visited today

What age are your children for context?

I don't think most people would disagree that professional visitors should look professional and trustworthy. That's not what the OP described, though.

Agreed. It's absurd to dress up to the nines or carry an expensive designer handbag when you are working with vulnerable, struggling people. It's alienating, can undermine trust and rapport and as a poster mentioned above, reinforces power dynamics. And it is very easily avoided given a moment's thought about the matter.

Of course it's not the only or most important factor, but it is a factor.

I find threads like these surprising.

The threshhold for referrals for intervention via SS are incredibly high. Social services are extremely overstretched, it has to be pretty bad for them to waste time on you.

Why would a HV lie? What is their motivation for lying? It is bizarre. They don't get bonuses for referring people.

I find your view on her clothing quite judgy. Lots of people (especially perhaps slightly older people) consider the reverse of what you have said, that its important for people in these roles to be smartly dressed and appear professional and trustworthy. Regardless, you judging her clothes is as bad as if she was judgy about someone wearing their old leggings and a tshirt. Maybe she just loves that style of clothing.

I believe there will be a tiny number of weird SS referrals. Of course there will, you get the odd crazy/incompetent in any profession. But odds are more likely that there's no smoke without fire. If you are both ND is it possible you've misinterpreted things or not understood genuine concerns? Have you got a family member could be with you for a subsequent visit both to witness interaction and support you?

I get exactly what you mean about the HV being dressed like she was going to a wedding. In my town there were 2 HV's. My one was a warm, caring woman who dressed in comfortable clothes and engaged with the children (think Phyllis in Call the midwife). Everyone adored her as she was helpful and not judgemental. The other one dressed to the nines, wore her hair in an elaborate up do and stank of perfume (think Patsy in Ab Fab). She was cold and did not like the children to come near her when she visited. She was negative and obstructive. No one liked her (many of my friends had her as their HV) and many stopped her from coming to their homes. It really makes a difference how you present yourself in a role like this.

I never said I wanted her to be homeless or "drag her to my level", I just said the bag made me sick as I could buy lots of food or even pay a month rent.
You have never been in the position of not having a roof over your head or to struggle to pay for food so why are you attacking me when you can't know for sure how would you feel?
now that I have a roof over our head and a job again I still think a social worker should not wear big visible luxury logos when visiting homeless or vulnerable people.
Now as a community nurse I follow my own advice.

I had a HV turn up a few days after my son's birth. She marched straight over to the moses basket and said "oh, let me see baby. Where IS baby?" "Baby" was in SCBU and had been for days. Might seem like a small mistake that she hadn't bothered to read my notes prior, but I was an emotional mess at the time after a very traumatic birth.

Ignore all the pathetic comments, OP (and the downright disgusting ones). Some posters like to be deliberately obtuse in order to appear 'funny'.

Definitely take this further.

Yet actual social workers have confirmed that it's not appropriate. For what it's worth, no-one would consider a fitted dress in a flowery pattern and a satln-type material to be appropriate court dress when you're dealing with the welfare of a child, nor would most people wear that for an interview for a social work type job. In any event, it takes a couple of minutes to change into something like trousers and a top.

I just don’t know what the motive would be for the HV to make assertions that aren’t true. She must have genuinely been concerned.

There is no 'and yet' though, is there?

Because that poster said 'there is more unsaid than here.' And another poster who works in SS has said there is definitely more to this, because the things you've mentioned are not enough to trigger a referral. You've several times admitted that there is plenty more unsaid and that you choose to not say it, because you don't want to be judged on what you consider to be 'nonsense.'

But given that, it's a bit disingenuous to repeatedly be going 'Sigh. yet here we are.' as if you genuinely have no idea why the SW turned up.

I don't think anyone thinks that "everyone" would know. However, if there is enough detail for only one or two people to know, that's enough to do the damage if you're posting about something potentially sensitive.

@sotiredandconfused

It is possible that the HV was wildly wrong, malicious, incompetent-all the bad stuff.

It is also possible that she had genuine concerns and the fact that you are refusing to report what she said makes it impossible for anyone to make helpful suggestions. The anti HV and SW lobby on this site is very strong. Please don't take what is said on here as validation. Nobody on here can know.

"both parents are neurodivergent- so they themselves may be more vulnerable and there is not a NT adult in the house."

@Carebearsonmybed

Are you seriously suggesting that a person who is neurodiverse needs to have a neurotypical adult in the house with them? Why?

@sotiredandconfused I personally feel that I am the expert on my own child. Unless there is a specific problem that requires a referral on, I find there are many better ways to find high quality information on child related issues. So I do question the relevance of health visits for most families. Especially given that some areas of the NHS are so stretched. That budget could be better distributed. Also the system around midwives and health visits seems to be set up where it is assumed parents will be at home anytime during the daytime Monday - Friday. Gone are those days when mothers were confined to bed after childbirth!

We know what she did with it, she reported it to SS as a concern.

Having worked in this sector I totally agree, and I think most people working in the field would.

On one occasion however, I was accompanied on a home visit by a young male manager who was wearing a business suit and carrying an expensive briefcase (unnecessary, he was a bit of a dick). I could see the person felt intimidated and I think that's entirely understandable.

I worked for a time in a social care team. I had come from a role in education. I was explicitly told by my manager that I needed to dress down because otherwise it was an inappropriate power play to go into someone’s home in ‘workwear’ when they would be casual and feeling vulnerable. So from my experience, awareness of the impact of your clothes on power dynamics is part of the professional skill set of doing home visits.

On the dog crate issue, this is normal and often recommended for puppy training and to create a sense of security for the dog. It doesn't imply anything about the dog's behaviour. My dog slept in one as a pup.

I had a tough birth experience and found my HV really helpful. She listened and supported me. It was so good to have someone there. However it started getting a bit full on at one point, too many calls and I started worrying about what she seeking to understand.

In the end I filled in the ‘depression’ questionnaire untruthfully that I was better (I had PND) and she backed off, so I think she was sticking close as she was worried about my mental health. In the end I think with her backing off a bit it gave me room to breathe. However she had been a great help initially.

Op you mention a child protection order, why? Thats the extreme end of a dc being removed from the family home by a judge immediately if they are deemed to be at significant risk of harm. It's a very rare measure. Most DCs under SW will never have this.

I'm not really surprised at the referral tbh. There are a few red flags and the ops said there were other issues raised she's not willing to disclose.

-4yo making animal noises- yes this may be fine but it is an indication of a potential developmental problem
-4yo has already been put on the assessment pathway for ASD (disabled dc are more vulnerable)
-both parents are neurodivergent- so they themselves may be more vulnerable and there is not a NT adult in the house. This can also lead to communication difficulties with professionals- as evidenced.

• 4yo sleeping with dad regularly- it is likely not a problem but groomers often break these kind of boundaries to accustom a victim to increased physical contact in a state of undress.
• Mum has a physical health problem which requires sedative medication- this makes Mum more vulnerable and at the points of sedation not in a position to protect DD
• Dog in the house that has a cage- this may be due to 'bad' dog behaviour, there may be concerns about the dog biting or dog ness.
• The op's comments about clothes, it's quite tangential from the issue at hand
• there's a lack of insight from either parent about any concerns- ie do parents really not think a HV or SW would question bed sharing at 4 with dad? That's quite naive and suggests other naivety. Lots of CSA goes under the radar because families aren't on the lookout for potential signs of grooming.
• the OP's combative and evasive communication style on this thread. That will not come across well to professionals. There is no compromise or insight anywhere into the above potential issues. Professionals want someone they can work with positively who will listen and take advice. The op isn't coming across as someone who would do this.

I can't see SW taking this further but that doesn't mean there are no issues, cases are often dropped more on a lack of evidence which really isn't very reassuring.

This really irritates me - maybe the other parts of her day necessitated smart dressing.

Maybe she had been in court, or at an interview. No one knows because this thread is nonsense.

The bag has nothing to do with you. Would you she too, were homeless and struggled to pay for food? The jealousy and desire to drag everyone down to their level is not going to help anyone. If a person were coming to help me, I would not care if they were dripping in diamonds, never mind plastic LV shit, I would welcome them with open arms and all I would be interested in would be their professionalism.

at our last HV check up where they do the assessment thing, my DD kept pretending to be a lion - HV told us it was entirely normal!

I think some posters would be shocked at the sheer number of fathers who abuse their children.

HVs know this, so of course they're on red alert for any signs and red flags, although I imagine it's horrible being thought of as a perpetrator when you're innocent, but I can see why that has been raised in this context.

Mum completely sedated overnight and dad sleeping alone with child - doesn't read well.

This!