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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SS visited today

467 replies

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 20:07

I recently had a HV come round. She appeared a little rigid and looked like she was attending a wedding but she seemed chatty and reflected back lots of positive things she was seeing. Today I had a SW unexpectantly visit and after she read out everything that the HV had raised, to say I was shocked is an understatement. Both my DH were there and the HV literally fabricated and misrepresented things she saw. The SW was lovely and stated she had no concerns and let me know I could make a complaint (I have).

So WTF! I'm still in shock. The HV asked me at the time whether I wanted another visit and I said no, and then SS turn up!

OP posts:
5iveleafclover · 20/08/2024 22:37

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:32

in my eyes thats even worse, you are stone cold asleep sedated by drugs... so you wouldnt know all was well with adult male and girl child in bed together

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What a despicable thing to say about OPs husband. You're talking as if he's just a random 'adult male'.

bravefox · 20/08/2024 22:36

This sounds like the fairly infamous HV in our area who seemed to be using the job as a stepping stone for a career as a Private Detective.

Would come round for hours on end, drink buckets of tea, let subtle hints it was probably time to wrap up ('oh look the baby's nappy needs changing... again') fly over her head, ask bizarrely probing questions of little relevance, and completely derail your day before sauntering off.

Everyone we know with kids was labelled a cause for concern of some variety and it took months to get off her books. Fortunately our 2nd was born during COVID otherwise I fear she'd still be visiting 3 years later

Silviasilvertoes · 20/08/2024 22:35

Hunkydory99 · 20/08/2024 21:23

My three year old licks me multiple times a day whilst pretending to be a cat. The more I protest, the more he does it. I don’t think your HV would be impressed with that 😂

At 4, my DS went through a period where he’d only speak in miaow, even at nursery. It went on for weeks. All the nursery said was “that must be driving you mad” (it was).

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:35

Appledoughnut · 20/08/2024 22:33

Do you think bed is the only place abusive men can abuse their children?

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oh i can assure you that no i do not... but have you also heard of 'being offered up on a plate'?

theres no way on gods green earth i would allow my DD to sleep in bed alone with a man, and i don't care who that man is, and i know for sure my DH would have been horrified if i'd suggested it!

Petitchat · 20/08/2024 22:35

TwigletsAndRadishes · 20/08/2024 21:56

Then there is really not much point in starting this thread. None of us can comment on whether or not you are BU if we don't actually know what it was the HV had concerns about.

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We can comment on the few examples which OP gave us, particularly the one about nasty assumptions about the father.

WhompingWillows · 20/08/2024 22:35

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:32

in my eyes thats even worse, you are stone cold asleep sedated by drugs... so you wouldnt know all was well with adult male and girl child in bed together

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I’m a totally lone single female parent but I think that is a disgusting comment to make about a father.

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:35

@againtomorrow

Wow-just no.

OP posts:
Greally · 20/08/2024 22:34

Gratchet · 20/08/2024 22:34

So why cant she just tell us herself? Was the woman wearing Jimmy Choo Trainers or not?

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She described it in an earlier post.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 20/08/2024 22:34

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 21:06

Another concern... Our daughter cosleeps with dad and I sometimes leave to sleep in the spare room. There was an insinuation because dad is a male and therefore a deviant. It was written and read in ‘that’ way. My DHs face fell, and all I could say to him was ‘im so sorry’.

That’s awful. I’d be pursuing a formal complaint for that alone.

Perpetuallydaisy · 20/08/2024 22:34

Having read a bit more of the thread...well...my DC pretended to be a cat to the extent that he poured himself milk in saucers and drank it, on all fours, on the floor, often wearing cat ears or a tail, and made a right mess...and his dad co-slept with him until beyond 5 (and I was sleeping in a different flat those nights).

Perfectly happy child, top marks in SATS, so far so good. Still says meow instead of goodnight, but hey, we all have our quirks. :)

Gratchet · 20/08/2024 22:34

Greally · 20/08/2024 22:33

Why OP is getting a hard time commenting on someone’s outfit in this context is weird.

Most people most of the time will wear clothing as is appropriate to the context. Trying to get a £1m sales deal over the line in financial services, you’re unlikely to go to a business meeting wearing Bermuda shorts and crocs. Going to someone’s house to assess a child and family, when you might need to get down and play etc. they might live in poverty or any difficult circumstances, I’m not going wearing Jimmy Choo’s.

Really not hard to imagine what OP means.

So why cant she just tell us herself? Was the woman wearing Jimmy Choo Trainers or not?

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:33

@againtomorrow

It is currently at the investigation stage. A child protection order has not been instigated. Lateral checks are done at investigation stages to ensure my story and what the SW saw and heard today is corroborated.

OP posts:
Appledoughnut · 20/08/2024 22:33

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:32

in my eyes thats even worse, you are stone cold asleep sedated by drugs... so you wouldnt know all was well with adult male and girl child in bed together

Show quote history

Do you think bed is the only place abusive men can abuse their children?

ChallahPlaiter · 20/08/2024 22:33

Ivehearditbothways · 20/08/2024 21:23

Why are you still allowing health visitor into your home for home visits when your child is about to turn 4? Did you ask for extra support or something?
They don’t need to come by to weigh them or anything by that age. And if you have any concerns or need an appointment or help with something, you can call them up. There is no reason for a 4 year old old to need a home visit unless you’ve been asking for them?

Ours came round because we’d moved to a new area. Think my daughter was two or three though. She then came back unannounced before 9am the day after we’d got back from holiday (got back in the evening) then called me to say she was concerned about the untidiness of my house - because we hadn’t taken the suitcase upstairs yet. 🙄 She was not welcomed back.

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:33

liverburd1 · 20/08/2024 22:32

What a sad world this is....

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it certainly is!

Greally · 20/08/2024 22:33

Why OP is getting a hard time commenting on someone’s outfit in this context is weird.

Most people most of the time will wear clothing as is appropriate to the context. Trying to get a £1m sales deal over the line in financial services, you’re unlikely to go to a business meeting wearing Bermuda shorts and crocs. Going to someone’s house to assess a child and family, when you might need to get down and play etc. they might live in poverty or any difficult circumstances, I’m not going wearing Jimmy Choo’s.

Really not hard to imagine what OP means.

liverburd1 · 20/08/2024 22:32

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:28

i agree that a 4 year old girl should not be left to sleep alone with dad, why does the OP move to a different bed, why can't dad go?

What a sad world this is....

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:32

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:29

I have a neurological condition and I take meds which cause sedation.

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in my eyes thats even worse, you are stone cold asleep sedated by drugs... so you wouldnt know all was well with adult male and girl child in bed together

Nadeed · 20/08/2024 22:32

Appledoughnut · 20/08/2024 22:30

This is mostly because dad's are crap though, not because all the ones that do step up are abusive.

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Or both parents would both co -sleep with their DD.

Janedoe82 · 20/08/2024 22:31

Just to play devils advocate as this is my field of work- there are lots of crap social workers too. Wouldn’t assume that as the SW disagreed she is the reliable professional. Lots comes down to experience and we aren’t being told what the raised concerns or reason for referral are.

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:30

@Myserenebird123

I think you've made a valid point.

OP posts:
Appledoughnut · 20/08/2024 22:30

Nadeed · 20/08/2024 22:29

It does not automatically mean anything. But OP talked about her DP co sleeping with her DD while she sleeps in a separate bed. She did not talk about musical beds. It is an unusual set up for a 4 year old to sleep with their dad and the mother to sleep in a separate bed.

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This is mostly because dad's are crap though, not because all the ones that do step up are abusive.

offyoujollywelltrot · 20/08/2024 22:30

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 20:17

I don't want to say exactly but imagine you had a lego set for London bridge, this hv built the taj Mahal and the solar system.

Not only did she have the gall to sit in my front room regailing her experiences of other visits (negative ones), she reflected back some lovely things she was seeing with my child. Along the lines of ‘its so nice when I come to a visit where ‘insert positive remark’.

The downright lies this HV has stated will be corroborated with the lateral checks that the SW now needs to do.

This isn't about having a low threshold for safeguarding but its displaying no ability to adequately assess a situation and then when she did refer, no process was followed!

This makes absolutely no sense.

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:30

i just googled what a lateral check was;

In the UK, health professionals may perform "lateral checks" when they have safeguarding concerns about a child. These concerns may include:

The child has not attended appointments on two or more consecutive occasions

A third-party organization requests a lateral check

if the SW had no concerns why do they need to do lateral checks?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 20/08/2024 22:30

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:04

I've given a few examples but I will not list all the bogus ‘comcerns’ she raised.

Then I will have to conclude that they were probably not bogus at all.

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