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AIBU?

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Original poster

SS visited today

467 replies

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 20:07

I recently had a HV come round. She appeared a little rigid and looked like she was attending a wedding but she seemed chatty and reflected back lots of positive things she was seeing. Today I had a SW unexpectantly visit and after she read out everything that the HV had raised, to say I was shocked is an understatement. Both my DH were there and the HV literally fabricated and misrepresented things she saw. The SW was lovely and stated she had no concerns and let me know I could make a complaint (I have).

So WTF! I'm still in shock. The HV asked me at the time whether I wanted another visit and I said no, and then SS turn up!

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 20/08/2024 23:14

To be honest, pretending to be an animal - especially to a significant extent or to avoid human demands - is "abnormal", in that it is a signifier of PDA / autism and so is not typical. As many a comment on this thread bears out.

So maybe she did have a point there.

Obviously the cage thing is a bit weird.

Morph22010 · 20/08/2024 23:14

sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 21:18

Just turned 4.

Show quote history

How come a health visitor was visiting in the first place? My child is older now but when he was a baby we for a couple of visits from the heath visitor when he was born, we then took him to be weighed up to about six months and then never saw the hv again. Round us from what I’ve heard the times you see the hv wiith a child have got even less as they’ve cut down on the weighing

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 20/08/2024 23:13

Is anyone else concerned that the HV is telling the OP about other children she has visited in the area? I find that to be highly unprofessional.

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 23:13

hotpotlover · 20/08/2024 23:04

There's nothing wrong with a man cosleeping with his child.

I bet there's other concerns around the father that the OP doesn't mention.

No. DH has never been involved in SS and in the 25 years I've known him he is the most caring and loyal man I know. Your reaction is exactly why inappropriate referrals like this cause damage.

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 20/08/2024 23:12

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 21:25

Also, can you explain the bit where you said the HV "looked like she was attending a wedding".

I know you're all for metaphor, but I'm neurodivergent and really struggling to understand your post when you don't just say what actually happened. That's not a dig, I'm just asking you to consider a range of readers for your post.

Don’t worry, I am not neurodivergent (don’t even know what it means) and I have absolutely no idea what the heck OP is talking about with her vague descriptions and absolute waffle.

OP might as well have said: Oooh what does everyone think about something that I can’t tell you about…..

LBFseBrom · 20/08/2024 23:09

Dressinggowntime · 20/08/2024 20:24

Yep. I had one who came out and assessed my three month old with the 6 month old criteria and told me she wasn’t meeting her milestones

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I had one who asked me how my pregnancy was progressing - my eight month pregnancy no less! I could have fallen about laughing, if I stood sideways I resembled an ironing board. I never saw her again.

When my son was a baby, and again when was older but still under five, I had a visit from the same HV who got everything back to front both times.

We do not have to have to have Health Visitors coming round, it's not compulsory. Personally I wouldn't bother.

Sending the SS to yours, op, was an outrage. Do make a complaint.

ThePlumVan · 20/08/2024 23:07

I had one HV visit - the bitch said awful things about my baby ‘not expecting to achieve’.
Yes she has a genetic condition, no the HV knew very little about it. It’s also on a massive spectrum and many with the diagnosis do very well im life.

I refuse dd to see her or any HV ever again.
Problem solved.

hotpotlover · 20/08/2024 23:04

There's nothing wrong with a man cosleeping with his child.

I bet there's other concerns around the father that the OP doesn't mention.

Silviasilvertoes · 20/08/2024 23:00

WhompingWillows · 20/08/2024 22:46

Hallelujah! We’re not alone on this thread. If only I had known 13 years ago, when everyone was charmed by my DD1 pretending to be a cat 24/7, that this was a signifier of autism, then my family would probably have not been put through the mill, my DD1’s mental health would not be trashed, we would not be involved with SS and we would not have pissed about for years with seeking help. @sotiredandconfused use your HV concern and your SS visit to try to expedite an neurodivergent assessment for your DD.

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That’s interesting. I spent years pretending to be a horse, way into secondary school. I also have a (very late - age 44) diagnosis of autism. Had no idea that was a thing. Useful to know, especially as DD is currently following in my imaginary horse footsteps (hoofsteps?).

Edited to say my mental health is completely trashed too. I’m fixing it now, but it would have been so much easier with a diagnosis thirty years ago.

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 23:00

biscuitandcake · 20/08/2024 22:59

OP, we all really need you to post more examples of what the HV said so we can jump on them. e.g. "The HV noticed a beer can from my husband in the recycling and wrote in her report that there were multiple empty wine bottles scattered through the house." That way, people on here can say "Yes but WHY were there multiple bottles of wine?" "Why are you downplaying all the wine bottles?" "I bet it was WHISKEY really", "You shouldn't drink when on medication OP". Then someone else can say in their opinion people should stop drinking entirely when they have children and the whole thread can dissolve into a bunfight on this easy. Someone else can make the wise point that you are being given an easy time because you are a woman, and that the posts would be different were you male. 2 weeks later "I see OP isn't coming back to the thread anymore 🤔"

You are depriving people of days worth of entertainment. Selfish really.

🤣

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyou123 · 20/08/2024 23:00

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:57

Because there's nothing remotely shocking about being smartly or prettily dressed at work.

So the OP's shock is inexplicable.

Are you a teenager?

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HV’s visit from 14 days in my area. I know she was doing a pre school visit here but her next could be to a newborn. If I was in the comfort of my home, still bleeding heavily from birth, uncomfortable from stitches, in my sock covered comfies and a HV appeared in a satin dress and heels I’d feel a bit odd and out of place - it’s just not typical attire for that sort of job.

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 23:00

Petitchat · 20/08/2024 22:58

Can you explain your concerns about a dad sleeping with his 4 year old child please?
What are you thinking?

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why do you find it difficult to understand that some people have views on this? why is it difficult to understand that some people are not comfortable with it for their own reasons?

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:59

I'm retiring now. Its been a stressful day. Thank-you to everyone who took the time to comment, all comments gratefully received.

OP posts:
biscuitandcake · 20/08/2024 22:59

OP, we all really need you to post more examples of what the HV said so we can jump on them. e.g. "The HV noticed a beer can from my husband in the recycling and wrote in her report that there were multiple empty wine bottles scattered through the house." That way, people on here can say "Yes but WHY were there multiple bottles of wine?" "Why are you downplaying all the wine bottles?" "I bet it was WHISKEY really", "You shouldn't drink when on medication OP". Then someone else can say in their opinion people should stop drinking entirely when they have children and the whole thread can dissolve into a bunfight on this easy. Someone else can make the wise point that you are being given an easy time because you are a woman, and that the posts would be different were you male. 2 weeks later "I see OP isn't coming back to the thread anymore 🤔"

You are depriving people of days worth of entertainment. Selfish really.

Petitchat · 20/08/2024 22:58

Nadeed · 20/08/2024 22:12

I agree with you OP about the way the HV is dressed.

I too would raise concerns at a dad co sleeping with his 4 year old DD while the mum sleeps in a separate bed.

Can you explain your concerns about a dad sleeping with his 4 year old child please?
What are you thinking?

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:58

Babyworriesreal · 20/08/2024 22:54

Retired HV here. We had to seek consent to refer (though if we had safeguarding concerns we we would have to say we were referring anyway if consent was denied). No surprise SS referrals/visits.

No consent given and I was blindsided. Despite no concerns being mentioned during visit with lots of lovely warm things the HV did remark on (whilst commenting what a lovely home we had and how it made such a lovely difference to see a ‘well’ child with all her teeth, before she then told me a story of a 3 yo she had seen recently with no teeth), she then accuses my husband of being a deviant whilst labelling my daughters role playing as abnormal.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 20/08/2024 22:57

againtomorrow · 20/08/2024 22:28

i agree that a 4 year old girl should not be left to sleep alone with dad, why does the OP move to a different bed, why can't dad go?

Why?

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:57

Petitchat · 20/08/2024 22:54

Why??
You can't grasp that OP probably means OTT smartly or prettily dressed?

Are you a teenager?

Show quote history

Because there's nothing remotely shocking about being smartly or prettily dressed at work.

So the OP's shock is inexplicable.

Are you a teenager?

Edenmum2 · 20/08/2024 22:55

Ghosttofu99 · 20/08/2024 21:45

So in England you have to go to a family hub for your 12 month and 2 year checks etc (where I live anyway) but in Wales it is all home visits and you have an extra one at 3 1/2. Is that right?

I'm in England and had a home visit at 12 months and was just offered one at 2.5 years.

So yes I guess it varies.

witsendhelppleaae · 20/08/2024 22:55

My HV was in a nurses uniform?!

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:55

Greengagesnfennel · 20/08/2024 22:53

Do you have a dog? If so what breed?

Sausage dog

OP posts:
Babyworriesreal · 20/08/2024 22:54

Retired HV here. We had to seek consent to refer (though if we had safeguarding concerns we we would have to say we were referring anyway if consent was denied). No surprise SS referrals/visits.

Petitchat · 20/08/2024 22:54

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:07

Honestly, at this point I'm assuming the HV was dressed as a bride going by the OP's posts.

Why??
You can't grasp that OP probably means OTT smartly or prettily dressed?

Are you a teenager?

Greengagesnfennel · 20/08/2024 22:53

Do you have a dog? If so what breed?

Original poster
sotiredandconfused · 20/08/2024 22:53

takeyourluckwhereyoufindit · 20/08/2024 22:49

It is a dog, right? I mean I know other posters have been derailing the thread going on and on about cats, but they aren't generally kept in cages.

So I presume you mean a dog crate? It is actually a safety issue to allow a child to enter a dog crate because it's the dog's safe space and leaves the child at risk of being attacked by the dog protecting it's territory.

Was that one of the concerns raised?

No

OP posts: