Page 5 | To be worried about future with older partner who has no private pension?

powerwashingqueen · 2024-08-20T17:04:10+00:00

I'm early 40s, he's mid-50s, been together 15 years. Not married, no kids and no plans to have them. He doesn't talk much about finances. We pay for the house and bills proportionately based on annual income, so it's around 70% me, 30% him, which leaves us with similar 'spare' money. I've found out today that he has no private pension or retirement plan whatsoever, and it's made me feel really anxious. I've asked him how he plans on funding himself when he retires on, what I'm assuming will be, just the bog standard pension. He just kind of shrugged and said I'll still be earning for another 15 years after he retires. I have a very healthy pension pot, which I've paid into since starting work aged 21. I had to take myself away to the study and told him to leave me alone for a bit. It sounds as though he's just expecting me to continue to work and pay for everything. Yes, I am younger and will be working for longer, but I don't think that means I should just stump up for everything, especially when I already pay so much more. AIBU to be pissed off about this? I don't even know what options he has available at this stage in his life.

Acheyba · 20/08/2024 22:56

RadioBamboo · 20/08/2024 22:50

Hang on a minute, most of the advice here is outraged that @powerwashingqueen is in a relationship with a man with less money than she has who wants to live off her in old age and she should leave the cock-lodging freeloader.

However, if it turns out that some money lands in his lap, the tables are turned, she's awaiting an upgrade at his expense and he cries fannylodger and leaves her for dust then he is an absolute scoundrel!

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It doesn’t sound like she’s waiting for an “upgrade at his expense” but I’m sure she’d like him to pay an equal or proportionate contribution if he did get his hands on “his half “of 750K.

I was merely pointing out that given she’s not married he could just up and leave as soon as he’s able to financially support himself.

Why would she be called a “fanny lodger” when she’s working full time and been financially supporting him all these years while still pulling her weight doing 50/50 in the house ? That would be awful if he did that!

And yeah, if he’d been subsidising her for years then she got an inheritance and said “see ya old man” I’d frown at that too.

Original poster

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 22:54

@RawBloomers When I first moved in with him, it was 50/50 for all expenses. At that point, I paid half of all bills and half his mortgage cost as rent. Maintenance of the property initially was paid by him.

When we decided to buy a house together, I matched his deposit from the sale of his flat, from my savings, so we paid the same. It was the same time as him trying to up his hours but not managing, so we bought together and did the proportionate payment to support him.

OP posts:

mouseyowl · 20/08/2024 22:54

BigGapMum · 20/08/2024 18:32

Finances aside how do you see your future? I have a couple of retired friends who had married older men i.e. with a comparable age gap to yours and they have both spent many years effectively being a nurse/carer to a sick old man, instead of a having normal married relationship. They have both wasted the best years of their early old age on caring duties and are now getting older themselves. One friend's husband died last year and it's finally given her a new lease of life, but the other one is still trapped as a carer and finding it harder as she herself gets older. It's not a life that I would have wanted for myself, and that's without subsidising him, like you are.

Yes, this would be more of a consideration to me than the lack of a pension.

RadioBamboo · 20/08/2024 22:50

Acheyba · 20/08/2024 20:47

The issue with the inheritance is that aside from the fact he can’t count on it, even if he does get it Op wouldn’t be entitled to any of it as they’re not married. Seems a bit of a risky situation.

And no I’m not saying they should necessarily get married but just pointing it out that after subsidising him for so long he could just run off into the distance in 5-10 years with his inheritance seen as his parents are 80 already 😬

I suspect OP is actually only his Plan B but his inheritance is his Plan A.

Hang on a minute, most of the advice here is outraged that @powerwashingqueen is in a relationship with a man with less money than she has who wants to live off her in old age and she should leave the cock-lodging freeloader.

However, if it turns out that some money lands in his lap, the tables are turned, she's awaiting an upgrade at his expense and he cries fannylodger and leaves her for dust then he is an absolute scoundrel!

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/08/2024 22:43

Yes really @BettyBardMacDonald, it's true and probably not the best approach.

Acheyba · 20/08/2024 22:43

User6874356 · 20/08/2024 22:38

I have seen a lot of women on mn who contribute less financially and there is definitely a different attitude. Ops dp does work part time due to medical issues- I don’t think women would get the attitude op dp is getting.

Not that I think there’s an excuse for either men or women not to pull their weight. But there is definitely a double standard

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What I’m saying is in vast majority of those cases the women are doing childcare and majority of housework so it’s comparing apples and oranges really.

I haven’t seen many involving this specific scenario - even where women have health issues leading to them working less there are still usually kids involved and they’re doing vast majority of housework.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/08/2024 22:41

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/08/2024 22:27

I'm as shit as your DP is OP when it comes to my pension, justa bog standard state pension + a bit of Serps as I never opted out; even worse I'm a singleton and norra DP in sight.

Pension saving just wasn't on my radar is the most succint way I can explain it. I do think it's a bit super-wierd, after years of being in a relationship, to suddenly think - "I say darling, what's your pension 'pot' looking like" and then be disappointed with the response.

Really?

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/08/2024 22:40

Oh dear. I'm 62 tomorrow and my bog standard state pension doesn't start for another 5 years (sigh).

Jeez - no idea how your mid-50s partner got the idea he could retire at 62 and can't fathom how someone could be in a relationship for 15 years without discussing, even lightly, each other's pension, etc provision.

NImumconfused · 20/08/2024 22:40

Why would he think he could get his state pension at 62? Even before they started increasing it, it was 65 for men.

QueenBitch666 · 20/08/2024 22:38

He saw you coming love! You've got yourself a cocklodger!

User6874356 · 20/08/2024 22:38

Acheyba · 20/08/2024 21:28

When woman is lower earner everyone is asking why they are not having shared finances and expecting man to fork out.

I think 9/10 times when I’ve seen that in Mumsnet the lower earner woman contributes 80% of the housework AND childcare, so they are both contributing equally really in the grand scheme of things, even if the woman is contributing less financially .

That doesn’t apply here.

They may exist but I honestly haven’t come across any threads where the woman is working part time, doing 50% of the housework and no kids and people are saying it’s unreasonable for her partner to want her to contribute more.

But I have seen many threads of people not supporting the OP who complains about her partner wanting her to get a job if her children are in secondary school with no SEN.

I have seen a lot of women on mn who contribute less financially and there is definitely a different attitude. Ops dp does work part time due to medical issues- I don’t think women would get the attitude op dp is getting.

Not that I think there’s an excuse for either men or women not to pull their weight. But there is definitely a double standard

RawBloomers · 20/08/2024 22:35

A house worth 750k could provide a fairly decent annuity, it would be a pretty good pension alternative. Issues - with a brother likely to take at least some of it and the possibility of care home fees for at least 1 parent, chances are he won’t get even half of it. But even 200k would provide an annuity of over 1000/month. And that’s presumably added to his state pension. Parents in their 80s may well live another 15 - 20 years, though. So it might not be money when he (and OP) need it. And it’s an inheritance he isn’t guaranteed to get at all, so there’s definite risk there.

I kind of understand the alarmist posts, but I don’t think this is necessarily him using you financially. You made a decision to split your finances so you have equal spending power when he had health problems. That’s not unreasonable* for a long term committed couple. And if that’s how you’re splitting money, if he had been paying into a pension it would have meant he’d have been contributing less to the bills and you would have been contributing more. The difference would have been that there would be a bigger pot of pension funds for you to look forward to than you currently have. And his lack of pot means there is less available than you were anticipating. I think that’s a matter of you not sitting down together and planning - which is a both of you problem, not just him. It is typical for couples not look at their pension plans as a couple (I’m not saying no one does it, but research into financial planning shows that more people don’t than do especially when there are age differences).

The question about him retiring at 62, though, and thinking it’s fine because you’ll still be working to fund it, that does seem unreasonable. I hope your discussion this evening comes up with an equitable plan that reassures you and gets you both on the same page in a way you’re both comfortable with.

*(Though I do wonder whether he subsidized you at all when you first got together and his earning power was higher and your was lower? At that point did he insist on 50/50 and have more spending money for himself or was he generous to you?)

Zonder · 20/08/2024 22:33

I'm not surprised you feel deceived. Does he see that it looks like he just wants you to support him?

Original poster

powerwashingqueen · 20/08/2024 22:28

Hi everyone. Thank you for your messages.

We’ve talked and I’ve asked him to show me some info tomorrow based on what you’ve said.

He think he has a very small pension from a workplace scheme from about 30 years ago. I’ve told him to find it. He’s also going to do the NI contributions thing to show me.

He thought he could retire at 62, so that’s where that age came from. I’ve said it’s wrong and told him to confirm state pension age for himself and that he will have to work at least until then, if not longer.

He admitted to opting out of workplace pension. He said at the time, he needed the money there and then, and he thought he wouldn’t be around to claim a pension due to his health issues.

I’m going to be really honest here. This has thrown me and I do feel deceived as he made out everything was sorted. I knew we wouldn’t be rolling in cash but I didn’t expect this. It’s making me question the whole relationship and the imbalance.

OP posts:

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/08/2024 22:27

I'm as shit as your DP is OP when it comes to my pension, justa bog standard state pension + a bit of Serps as I never opted out; even worse I'm a singleton and norra DP in sight.

Pension saving just wasn't on my radar is the most succint way I can explain it. I do think it's a bit super-wierd, after years of being in a relationship, to suddenly think - "I say darling, what's your pension 'pot' looking like" and then be disappointed with the response.

PontiacFirebird · 20/08/2024 22:25

I don’t think I know anyone with a private pension? Do you mean a workplace pension OP?

Bananalanacake · 20/08/2024 22:23

Have a relationship without living together, then he can fend for himself.

AnneElliott · 20/08/2024 22:23

I agree his plans aren't fair op. I am in a similar situation although our ages gap isn't as high as yours.

My H has long wanted not to work and was planning to give up when our mortgage is paid off (he'll be 55). He was hoping he could just live off my salary and was very disappointed to be told that he has to bring in half the bills somehow. Either from a pension or a PT job. Obviously bills will be much lower without a mortgage but no way am I working FT while he sits at home! Plus the fact that it means I wouldn't be able to retire at 55 as what would we be living on?

Definitely have a serious conversation about money.

Zonder · 20/08/2024 22:13

Get him to show you exactly what he has. What has he got in his state pension? Is he sure there is nothing else?

LouisTherouxattheorgy · 20/08/2024 22:13

Playonplayoff · 20/08/2024 22:09

The posters suggesting if the sexes were changed then we'd be saying different... where can I find a man of 36 who'll subsidise me working part time, be happy I do. less than my fair share domestically and support my retirement who would find me remotely attractive??😁

I'll have one of him too!

BrightBreezy · 20/08/2024 22:09

Dotto · 20/08/2024 20:59

If he hasn't made enough state pension credits to receive the state pension, he will get pension credit top-ups.

Inheritance is not guaranteed, but chances are he WILL inherit massively from parents. Most do not go into a home and decimate their assets.

I don't think he has behaved outrageously. Not everyone can afford to put into, or cares about a private pension, but I can understand you are shocked, OP, that you were not on the same page.

Edited

He won't get pension credit! That's based on household income. OPs earnings will presumably take them over the limit as it's less than 17k income for a couple to qualify.

Playonplayoff · 20/08/2024 22:09

The posters suggesting if the sexes were changed then we'd be saying different... where can I find a man of 36 who'll subsidise me working part time, be happy I do. less than my fair share domestically and support my retirement who would find me remotely attractive??😁

ClairDeLaLune · 20/08/2024 21:50

Are you married to him OP? If not, make sure you never do marry him. He’d become entitled to half of everything, including your pension.

LondonFox · 20/08/2024 21:43

SaltAndVinegar2 · 20/08/2024 21:28

Usually it's because they have children and the woman is sacrificing earning potential to look after them. If there are no kids involved there's no reason for one partner to work extra while the other one doesn't work at all, which is what's being suggested here. I also don't think he's going to that fun or attractive sitting round at home doing nothing for 16 years while OP works

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If there are no kids involved there's no reason for one partner to work extra while the other one doesn't work at all.

Why not?
I supported my partner when he was getting qualifications, looking for a job etc.
I would 100% love to have not tired and stressed partner waiting for me at home.
Bloke can tidy up a bit, have some time to plan activities for us etc.

I get that it may not be everyones cup of tea but I do have a lot of energy and like having fun. Would like that partner can have energy and headspace to play around with me :)

InSpainTheRain · 20/08/2024 21:40

So he is living off you now (as he pays 30% and you pay 70% but you both have the same spending money. And he intends that you fund his retirement!? Honestly I'd really consider if he's worth it and if he is behaving fairly. Only you will know, but I'd consider leaving, he is making a mug of you in my view