AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

Sorry, did you miss a paragraph out in the OP?

Because this doesn’t sound like an ok relationship. It sounds UTTERLY SHIT 💩

Have you tried talking about it with him? Maybe give him a chance to change? Do you still love him?

I wouldn't blame you for leaving, but if you loved him then maybe try to work on it first by talking through how you feel?

Thank you for your honesty. Take care of yourself

It doesn't seem you're living with him, and obviously, you're not married. What makes you so hesitant to end the relationship? This makes me feel so sad.

@summerwentaway I think what I would do is a paper exercise on what leaving might involve. What housing options would be available for you that sort of thing. Then see how that makes you feel?

My sister built up the courage to leave her abusive husband after spending some time looking at houses and realising that actually she could still have a decent life outside of her marriage.

I think you know what you need to do! I promise you, the grass will 100% be greener in this situation. Leave him, take some time to love yourself and learn your worth and I promise the right person will appear. You absolutely deserve someone who shows you they care for you and love you, you shouldn't have to question it!

Not being able to think of reasons why he's your favourite person is a glaringly obvious sign that you're just making do with him. You can do better x

This is my opinion, but I don’t think choosing a lifelong monogamous partner, if that’s what you want, is about “grass is greener” or “one wild life”. The quote I went by is “Choose the person you’d trust to hold you in the middle of a storm”. When your mum dies, your friend betrays you, the Cost of Living crisis, COVID or redundancy throw away your life plans and achievements, who will you trust to hold you through those tough times and see you through as you work together on it?

I don’t think it sounds like this guy, he doesn’t even hang out with your family now let alone taking you to hospital if you need to see them or helping to sort through a parents stuff as they go into care, or helping be part of the family if there is grief. He doesn’t make you feel appreciated or special in normal times, what about when you really need to be picked up and looked after. People pose the “what about kids” question, but what do YOU need when you are vulnerable and need help? Fertility and loss? Thinking about that and then putting it as your baseline in reciprocal relationships is where you can build esteem.

I don't think you're really asking if you would be (ethically, socially, morally, logically, etc. ) unreasonable to dump him, because of course you know you can leave for any or no reason. I think you're maybe more asking if you're likely to regret dumping him because you don't want to be alone and he is "as good as it gets" in terms of a (male) partner.

If he IS as good as it gets, God help us all, because he is very much not very good.

He doesn't split the household chores and I do the daily grind while he will cut the grass and odd DIY job when required. How does he explain this to you? Does he actually say "I have a penis so I do less", or what? Unless there's massive backstory about him being severely disabled, or maybe working twice the hours you do and paying for most of the stuff of daily life, then: yeah, no.

Every individual thing you say is “bad enough to leave” over. Cumulatively, you need to run for the hills!

You’re thinking how you would explain and justify it to him and others. Sod that. You wanting to be happy, and him not able to help with that, is more than enough reason. You matter. He doesn’t think so, so you need to.

Can you imagine retirement with him? That should help you decide.

And you can finish a relationship at any point for any reason.

Was going to say exactly this. If it's like this now it will be horrendous with babies and toddlers. You'll have another full time job on top of your own and he will disengage completely. So many threads on here with men spending all their free time doing exactly what they did when single while ft working mother picks it all up. And yes....that's what happened to me but at least mine buys me flowers and dinners and makes a fuss at birthdays and promotions without prompting.

@summerwentaway you can do so much better than living like this, this half-life. On your own would be better, and indeed some time alone might make you think twice about wanting to cohabit with another man!

My crap ex (see above) used to say ‘I love you’ several times a day. It’s meaningless without actions that prove it.

One striking thing about my current partner - when I meet friends or colleagues of his for the first time, they always say what great things they’ve heard about me. And when I meet those I haven’t seen for a while, they’ve always heard my latest news. Would your partner do that? As you say, it’s the little things.

I think this is an important revelation.

I guess the question is now what do you want to do?

You deserve better than to be made to feel lesser than the person that's meant to make you feel like a goddess semi frequently.

My mum has always told me how much she loved me and always grabbed me into hugs that I hated. She knew I hated them but would always say "I know you don't like them but I need a hug more". Love goes beyond the word and when you actions mean you tread on the person you supposedly love because it makes yourself feel better it's a pretty crappy version of love.

Oh wow OP - the bit about your birthday present is so sad.

I don't think you can count it as a birthday present if he just gave it to you in the delivery packaging, several days after your birthday.

That's seriously unkind. You deserve so much more!

I'd rather be without a partner than have a relationship 'just because', and no I'm not single or in a terrible relationship but as I get older and read so many posts like yours, mainly from women, I think live your life to the best of your abilities, yes it's nice to have a closeness with someone, and I know the saying opposites attract but if that someone is too far opposite then move on, who knows maybe the right person is out there but you've just not found them yet.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal, there is no "ol well next time round", that's never going to happen, do what's right for you a this time in your life.

I wasted years in a relationship like this. He was crap with money rather than tight like yours. Gave gifts that made me feel like he’d never met me! Always had to prioritise his family. Didn’t pull his weight. I felt like just being unhappy and unfulfilled wasn’t a reason to split.

He cheated (I was shocked he had the get up and go tbh!) and we split. I was single for 5 years and never once wished I was back in a crap relationship. Now have a partner who is everything he wasn’t.

I never wanted kids (and definitely not with him!) so that wasn’t a factor, but it sounds like you’d be miserable and trapped if you had kids with this man. He’ll think all the effort and expense is your responsibility.

I can't wrap head around a recurring conversation with the person I'm doing life with where he says

• 'yes darling, we can go out for dinner, but only if you pay for yours'.

• 'you asked for a pack of Nurofen, but as I don't have a headache, you'll need to pay me that extra £4'.

OP, please choose better for yourself.

This seems like a stand out feature, like if everything else is just ok rather than good, surely this isn’t even ok?

So many red flags in your Op but this jumped out at me

It was my birthday last week and he got me a gift but didn't wish me happy birthday on the day and was irritated that it upset me when I raised it

Not only is it strange and frankly quite cruel not to wish you a happy birthday on the day, he is completely dismissing your feelings!

It’s verging on DARVO - he is acting as if he’s the one who is the aggrieved party because you’ve criticised him.

Please raise your bar Op and consider doing some work to figure out why you’ve accepted this behaviour from him so it doesn’t happen again.

It is much worse to be with this man than be single. If you’re single you can be happy and thriving and not waiting on scraps from the man who is meant to love and cherish you.

If a man thinks you’re his dream girl and values you he will treat you well. It strikes as he’s with you at least partly out of convenience as he sees you as low maintenance and undemanding. Not many women would tolerate a man like that.

I say this with kindness but if he is your favourite person then you are decidedly low maintenance / no maintenance.

You’ve settled for almost nothing. Raise your expectations. Although I doubt you’ll ever get much more from him. If that’s true, I hope you’re prepared to move on because then you’ll probably see what a favourite person should be like

My dad has a friend who's always been a bit awful with girlfriend. Penny pinching and ensuring they never got a penny more than 50:50. Generally a selfish miserable bastard who always stayed a whisker above abusive

Last summer his girlfriend underwent open heart surgery. She was readmitted with dehydration a few days after being home after he ignored her all day and her calls for drinks and food (mid summer) and she ended up crawling out of the house to find him in the garage and she was then rushed back into hospital by ambulance.

It sounds like is seriously lacking in compassion. It might be fine right now, it might not make you happy but it's not detrimental to your wellbeing. If something was to happen and you were reliant on him would he step up. If no leave now. If yes I would be asking why it would take that for him to be more compassionate and why can't he do that more often.