AIBU thinking of leaving an "ok" relationship

Never accept the mediocre - if it's not right now, it won't be right 10 years later. 👍

Unfortunately I think a lot of weed smokers end up quite apathetic about everything.
It was the tightness and the never taking responsibility for any problems and turning it all on me, I am not high maintenance by any means.
I broke up with him because he wouldn’t tell me if/ when we would see each other at Christmas the week before, not much to ask, I realised we had nothing booked for the future, not Christmas, not a holiday, not a trip, and was partly because he was tight and partly because he couldn’t be bothered and with hindsight because he couldn’t go anywhere he wouldn’t be able to smoke.
might explain why he wouldn’t see your family?
also turned horrible abusive after we split, was still messaging me trying to manipulate and get a reaction 18 months later.
with hindsight I wish I had left so much earlier.
I felt so alone with him it really damaged my self esteem more than any other relationship.

You’ve definitely done the right thing

it didn’t sound like this relationship was enhancing your life in anyway

and that bit about saying your high maintenance over the birthday sounds like gas lighting to me. Your instincts are right

Get rid

You’ve left! Hooray!

Oh god leave. You deserve so much better.

Better to go alone than badly accompanied

can’t see the point in this relationship

I think your partner should be your number one fan and enjoy giving and receiving love in the way that makes relationships feel
good

How did he react to you leaving?

Glad to see you’ve left, good luck.
like someone else said, it’s better to be alone than to be alone with someone else,
my ex was also really odd about spending time with my family and friends.
Take care of yourself, treat yourself and give yourself time to process it all.

The more you post the more he sounds like my ex.
So tight he wouldn’t even buy me a glass of wine on holiday, never took me anywhere, treated me, or complimented me.
I started a new job I really wanted.
He came to pick me up and didn’t even ask how my first week had gone, just complete disinterest.
He did tell me he loved me every day but he didn’t show it.
He was shocked when I broke up with him even though I had been making my feelings known for a while, made out I should be grateful that he doesn’t drink or cheat or hit me, silly man.
He was a chronic weed smoker and abusive in other ways with hindsight.
All that to say, you can do better, even being alone is better than being with someone who doesn’t regard you well enough to think about your feelings, it breaks you down one tiny little bit at a time.
Be aware when you do leave, when you’re out of it, you will realise how bad this relationship is from the distance.

Thank goodness.
This was a really sad thread.
Delighted to read that you are no longer wasting your life with a mean loser.
You deserve so much better.

Well done wishing you happiness ahead 💐

@summerwentaway what happened did you break up
or stay together?

I agree with this. I ended up having a psychotic breakdwon becasue my husabnd hwo was my favourite person was so stingy it caused untold amounts of stress to my life

do not base staying in a relationship on a fear of being alone. There is so much more out there. If he’s stingy (it’s a trait I really dislike!), didn’t even bother wishing u happy birthday, won’t socialise, doesn’t show u ur worth. What r u actually getting out of the relationship

OP, hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to chuck my 2 cents in here as I felt a similar way about my partner and very recently had a situation that made me think differently. I don’t know if it will be as relevant to you, but throwing it here on the off chance it is 😊
he was/is my best friend but I was in a very similar position, thought processes etc to what you’ve described. But as you have suggested I don’t necessarily want to up and leave, because i felt I didn’t have a reason to - he is a good person, at the end of the day.

Something additionally happened between us that led to us speaking to a relationship counsellor. And it was brought up to us both to have an investigation into our love languages. I discovered that mine were things like quality time, which made a lot of sense to me, as I’m the one who plans the dates and dinners and trips away etc, etc. I felt like an AH thinking of it for a while feeling a bit materialistic, and then it was explained to me that it wasn’t about the physical thing or the monetary value, but the fact that someone had put the time and effort in. And that was exactly what I felt I was missing. as for my partner, his is more he appreciates greatly the little things like a cup of tea brought to him, a bath run, filling the car up for you, etc etc. and he was always doing those things for me, even though I wasn’t looking for them.

so we both realised, we were doing things we would have appreciated ourselves for the other person, which was lovely, but that we weren’t getting what we were looking for from the other. So we talked about it and we tried to make a conscious effort to do things the other person was maybe needing and not getting, instead, whether or not they felt important to us as individuals. it’s been incredibly helpful. I just wanted to put it out there as a point of conversation between the two of you, as my partner hadn’t realised at all really that i felt like I wasn’t getting something in the way I needed it.

You've seemingly told him what is important to you and he either dismisses this or ignores it, is that right?

He is either extremely stunted emotionally speaking or he is pretending not to understand what most other people would and I think it’s the latter.

It’s not hard to grasp is it if someone says they want a happy birthday on their birthday? Even a 5 year old gets that!

Either way can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with this man?

I think you need to make a decision to accept this or move on. Personally I’d move on.

@summerwentaway It doesn’t matter what he says, or if he disagrees, because he doesn’t get to tell you what your feelings are.

Of course he won’t agree. He doesn’t care. He’s shown you that. He want to carry on with you doing all the work and him doing exactly what he wants.

You can’t expect him to acknowledge that you need to leave him - he doesn’t sound like someone with much emotional capacity or empathy.

You just have to decide to leave and tell him why - if you want to. Anyone can leave any relationship for any reason. Dig deep and fight for your own life and happiness and end this pointless relationship.

He doedsn't understand? Bollocks to that. he knows you're unhappy. He lnows the (small) things he could do to make you happy and he doesnt. It's not that he doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care. Your needs and wants are simply not important to him. And in the meantime, he gets someone who is paying at least half of all the bills, doing the vast bulk of the drudge admin and facilitating his life.

Trust me, being alone by yourself is better than being alone with someone else.

"your one wild and precious life"? Oh, give over.