To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

I come from a country where people wouldn’t have kids if their oldish parents wouldn’t look after the kids. It’s so nice to see ladies in their 50s/60s walk around with prams in the day!!

I come from a country where most women in their 50s and 60s are out at work all day.

Ignore them! x

My mum has vascular dementia, and this is exactly how it started. She couldn’t pin anything down or put things into words but she knew something was wrong when she started to dread things that up to that point had been sources of pleasure or everyday routines. She avoided the things that she’d done routinely without a problem and it wasn’t until she had a seizure that we realised anything was wrong. Dementia isn’t something to be mocked.

And you know that to be the case - how?!

Did you read any of the OP's other posts??

We don't know she isn't behaving like this at other times. The OP will though.

Thanks for shooting down my attempt to share the exact same symptoms my parent had at the start of extremely distressing dementia which has robbed them of their life as rubbish though, really appreciate that. I was just trying to help the OP consider this as an explanation. The earlier you get help for dementia the better.

Name change if anything love, don't let the shitty posters force you out.

What? She doesn't like being around because she find you feeding your child stressful??? I would certainly not have lunch with her again (unless special occasion and somebody else has got your daughter). If this stresses her out than I can understand 2 h of babysitting doesn't sit well with her. She's selfish and having to put someone else's needs first is too hard for her. Please don't let her be around your daughter too much since it involves too much "stress" for her. My Mil (80+) loves having one of my DC's for several days because she is genuinly a generous caring person. It's me always asking "are you sure you're not too tired?".

Her mum agrees to do it and then complains?!

One can agree to do something you feel obliged to do, but you have the right to complain.

So now she’s ‘taking it out’ on her DD and grandchild ? I’m out of this shitty thread. I appreciate you can’t teach young people what it’s like to get older, but there should be more than a grain of understanding. And ‘senile’ is a very offensive terms - as health problems tend to come on quicker in older people it’s not inconceivable that there is something worrying her too much to voice. Senile is not the same as worried.

I completely agree that the grandmother should have a sensible conversation about it - 'I really wanted to help but I'm finding it too much to do solo care for a toddler' - rather than being tetchy. And then other arrangements need to be made. It's totally pointless for anyone to say 'well I was 92 and still provided daily childcare blah blah blah' - if the woman involved doesn't feel she can manage it then that's all that matters.

God knows better she admits it than ends up neglecting the child or there's some awful accident because she's forgetful/ clumsy/can't run after a toddler quick enough.

The important thing to remember is that it's not a measure of how much she loves her grandchild and wants to be involved. Being a loving grandparent shouldn't be measured by how much freebie childcare is given - what a sad way to look at relationships. It's entirely possible to be a brilliant grandparent without providing childcare. My own grandparents lived 100 miles away and I have the best memories of going to stay, playing games, feeling totally happy and loved. And I cherish the handwritten letters my granny wrote to me regularly. As a young child I even remember feeling a bit sorry for school friends whose grannies lived along the street because i didn't understand how that could feel as special

Funny sort of dementia that hits at exactly the same time on the same day once a week. Let's face it she insisted on doing it, she doesn't like doing it and she hasn't got the sense to admit it. The OP can take it out of her hands as it isn't good for her or the baby so she is perfectly entitled to carry on with lunch every day and put little one in nursery or childminders or whatever suits.

Nobody is suggesting that. Just that 75 is not 35.

We have a close relationship

i think you and i have very different views on what constitutes a “close relationship” on the basis of your thread OP

We aren't all senile in our 70s, being worried doesn't stop you talking like an adult, if she's worried about health issues she needs to see a doctor not take it out on her DD and grandchild.

Or she doesn't even know there's anything wrong. As I say the first signs of dementia in my parent (in retrospect) were a change in personality, being tetchy and not a grown up about how they communicated. Turns out they were losing their mind, albeit at the very start.

Personality change and communication difficulties are one of the early signs of dementia. I hope it's not that for all your sakes. It's a horrible disease.

Ah @Welshlady89 I hadn't seen your comment saying you were going to hide the thread. Perhaps consider leaving it for a bit and then coming back. You don't have to defend yourself or justify yourself to everyone. Take what's helpful and leave what isn't.

I hope you can take something positive away from some of the advice at least.

Could you request your mum looks after her for just one more year as 1 year old is still very young and then if she is still struggling to look after her, maybe try a childminder or nursery

Just a year of granny being tetchy and snappy and finding it difficult. Oh well that's not too bad then 🙄

Because at 75 there could well be something else going on healthwise that is either frightening her or she doesn’t want to bring up for some other reason.

She spends most days with you having lunch - which is in a way a gift of her time. She's stopped you going completely mad when the boredom of having a little one - it is so much to cope with.

She sounds like a lovely DM - mine was the same. She helped with coming over but she found actually being alone with my DC at a young age really hard. She felt phyiscally worried about if she would cope.

At 75 it's OK to step back even if she has an active life.

I imagine she wants to do it but feels torn. Physically at 75 things are tough, everything creaks and aches a bit no matter how good you make out things are.

It's sad OP, I was like you and thought she could do it all but in the end, I realised she was just too old. And that's OK. She told me to find childcare arrangments but she was still a really big part of my life.

It's lovely you are so close. Look after yourselves and ignore the horrible comments. You sounds like a kind person who just needed a little steer not a torrent of abuse!

I'm in my early 60s and there's no prospect of being a granny any time soon so I doubt I'll be much use anyway. I won't see my kids struggle, even if my help can only be financial, My kids say they wouldn't expect it of me either. We had zero help with them, and paid through the nose for al of it, so we know it's do-able. There's a middle ground; it doesn't have to be daughter struggling -v- me relaxing!!

You're dead a long fucking time, and I'd like to enjoy my life in the meantime! Still working FT unfortunately though - supporting, ironically, my three 20-somethings to varying extents. I think I've earned a break!!

I didn't bring my children into the world to wipe my arse either.

I do agree about the hate on the thread.

That's fine, so why doesn't she say it like a grown up instead of being moody every week.

I hope you have received some useful advice here. Please ignore the nasty comments. Some people just lay into the OP no matter what.

In this country there is such a focus on never asking anybody for help. I am from an Asian background and find it really odd.

Anyway, remember nobody matters on here. We are all just Internet randoms. Please don’t take anything here to heart. Just use your good judgement. Take care X.

My gran helped my mum out loads with childcare, my mum did it for me and I do it for my kids. Maybe it varies in different communities or round the country or something but it is normal to me and my extended family.

Well age 70 plus surely if someone says I’ll look after your child and you don’t have one yet, I’d assume that would be a decision made closer to the time. Things change quickly at that age health and energy wise. Even a younger person is entitled to say if it’s not working for them.