To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

You sound like you might need to calm down

Give over

Where do you get off telling the OP like that. Rude.

Maybe her anger is misplaced - she is not cross with you but with your dad?
Does he help? Is he a hands on grandad? Is he interested in your LO? Maybe he doesn't show enough support when she has your LO and she is resentful and sad and takes it out on you?

I dunno - she seems cross/unhappy about something which seems odd if she has agreed to look after LO and 'adores her'.

I would ask her what's really going on.

My MIL was exhausted looking after my SIL's DC on a regular basis, but was too scared to say so, so she ended up doing that for years. She would confide in me that she was tired out.

It's a shame she can't admit its too much for her rather than getting tetchy and angry with you. My MIL had been single and divorced for 20 years when I had my kids, I think she was used to doing exactly what she wanted whenever she wanted. She had got out of the habit of thinking about anyone else, so when we had kids I was really surprised at her ridiculous excuses whenever (rarely) we asked to her to do a few hours childcare. She tied herself in knots explaining why she just had to go shopping/library/wait for an important phone call the exact time we needed help. She felt awful 'letting us down' but we knew she just didn't want to do it.

Can you use the same outside help for 2 mornings a week?

I think perhaps your mum finds it hard but feels guilty about finding it hard. She probably didn't want to say it directly and was hoping you stop asking her.

If you want to save your relationship and DDs relationship with her then sort out alternative childcare and see her socially.

She probably feels obliged.

I am a similar age, due a GC in a month or two. I have no idea how easily I would cope with childcare on a regular basis and I will not commit to it. I will however be there like a shot for emergencies, sickness, special occasions, even the odd overnight, but I won't do organised childcare week in week out. I think it is too much to expect from a 75 year old to be honest, and luckily my DD appreciates that and knows it would be too much to expect from me.

You could ask your dad to do it? Your mum is clearly only offering out of obligation.

I’d ask your Mum if she’d like you to make alternative arrangements. Then the ball is in her court.

Plenty of people who appear outwardly healthy will struggle to manage a toddler for a couple of hours without being worn out afterwards. As a toddler group leader, I used to worry about one or two of the grandparents who came with their grandchildren.

Put your child in nursery for regular care, and hopefully your DM will still be willing to step in occasionally if your child is ill or something like that. It's one thing exhausting yourself to help out in an emergency, and another doing it every week.

@Welshlady89 perhaps if you didn't expect it, your mother would feel able to say "Welshlady, darling as much as I.love you and dgd very much, I find that I don't have the physical capacity to cope with dgd for two hours and to be solely responsible for her. I haven't ever disclosed this, but my hips and knees and shoulders ache, sometimes I tremble a bit and the lifting and making drinks is all too much. Please could we rwview this arrangement.

Neither of you are communicating your needs or showing each other appropriate compassion. On the balance of probabilities you are being more unreasonable than your mother.

I'm 64. I have told both DC that I will not be doing regular childcare when the time comes. Emergencies yes, obligations no.

We have been very involved with caring for DGC now young teens from the start, but now that we are getting older, (I am 75 like your mum) are finding even looking after more self-sufficient DGC is tiring. I can appreciate where your mum is coming from

OP my parents would not have been up to looking after a 1 year old . My MIL is much more sprightly and probably would have been ok at 75. It very much depends on the person . Also as they age people have good and bad days - it maybe that the expectation and the fact that they need to do it even if they don’t feel great is part of the problem .

My PIL are in their 70s and really struggle at times, I don't use them for regular childcare but they have my DD a few hours every few weeks, they are normally knackered when I pick her up, bless them, I'd say they are reasonably fit, but getting up /down off the floor etc, lifting/carrying, it's more than what they are used to.

I think because she sees her every day she wouldn't miss that time with her alone. Maybe you could have a chat, and rather then being dismissive, ask what parts she finds so hard? and is there any way you can help? You should have done that anyway rather then getting annoyed with her over it and not giving her lunch, an apology is definitely in order.

Despite you wanting her to
She clearly can't cope
She's 75 ,she done her bit
Stop linking having lunch with the childcare
Just because she said it was tiring, doesn't mean you should punish her by stopping the lunch together,that was mean of u

It is not unreasonable to ask (NOT expect!) your Mum to help out for a couple of hours, provided she feels up to it. She is getting tetchy because she is telling you it is too much for her and you are not listening!

75 year olds vary in the their health (both mental and physical) and their ability to care for lively children. It would be lovely if she were able to do this, but she isn't. That is not her fault - it is her age. There may be things going on that she has not discussed with you.

She clearly doesn't want to.

So don't. Find an alternative.

It's not fair on your daughter or mother to be in this situation.

"My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children."

Your DH's sister is bugger all to do with your mum

Your mum doesn't owe you a damn thing - you're being an entitled brat

Send your child to nursery / childminder / etc and stop expecting people to take care of YOUR child

Shes too much for her. She wants to see her but the regular childcare is too much. Make other arrangements

I am genuinely gobsmacked OP!!

For context (which I can't even believe I'm doing, but you are so blinded by your own 'needs' that it clearly needs stating!)...

I'm 60, work full time as a primary teacher and am, relatively speaking, pretty fit (usual 'getting on a bit' aches and pains, but still not too shabby for 60!)

I have a 14 month old granddaughter who I completely love and adore! Occasionally, on a weekend, I will babysit for a few hours to give my daughter a well needed break...HOWEVER...despite being 'relatively fit' it exhausts me!!

Don't get me wrong, I am glad to do it, but my goodness it's tiring at my age! I can easily control 30 x 7 year olds for 6 x hours a day, 5 days a week, but a 1 year old is a completely different ball game! The physical efforts required to be down on the floor, all the bending and picking up, rocking to sooth etc is bloody knackering!! Your mum is FIFTEEN years older than me...this must be really taking its toll on her!

Your complete inability to see this is beyond belief! What a selfish person you are...have a huge word with yourself and apologise to your 75 year old mum!

😡

75 is quite old to look after a toddler, she's obviously struggling and its affecting her mood/behaviour - I'm assuming you usually get on well considering you spend time together every day.
I would look into sending your daughter to nursery instead if that's an option.
Some grandparents much prefer the role as being fun and enjoyable spending time with their grandchildren whilst the parents are around, rather than having to deal with the stress of being the care giver.
Which can be due to being unable to cope with being the care giver and also just not being interested in doing so.
Though it doesn't really matter what works for other people - its not working for your mother so better to make the change now than build more resentment.