To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

I have a great relationship with my mum and adore her. She has never provided me with any regular childcare, just one-off emergencies. When the DC were much older, they would occasionally stay over with her, but only when they were self-sufficient and easily managed. I want her to enjoy her old age; she worked very hard all her life.

I really hate when grandmums are forced into childcare on the pretext that otherwise they won't have good relationships with DC. They can have good relationships without providing childcare.

People tell you more with their actions than their words - your mum is resentful despite telling you that she wants to take care of your daughter.
Take the decision out of her hands, find alternative care for your daughter on that day and hopefully the resentment will fade away.
The fact she finds you feeding your daughter in her vicinity stressful is slightly bizarre to me but suggests that although you believe it may not be physically challenging for her to care for your daughter, perhaps there are other issues making her struggle.

Or yes, I was just going to say perhaps physically she can but mentally she finds the responsibility too much. Especially if she's prone to stressing.

Think the op is getting a hard time here. Sounds more like her mum wants to be a martyr. She wants to do it but she wants to moan about it.

Wow there’s a lot of projecting happening on this thread.

OP it’s clearly too much for your mum, I would make alternative arrangements. It’s not worth building a load of resentment for the sake of 2 hours a week. I would also think about maybe just doing lunch a couple of times a week too rather than every single day. You could take a picnic round to her house or out to a park or something to mix it up a bit.

I don’t think accepting the offer of help 2 hours a week from your healthy, fit, still working mother is unreasonable or grabby of you at all. You don’t come across as entitled in the slightest, ignore the nasty bitter posters on here. That being said, it’s not working for you all so just knock it on the head and sort something else out. It’s not worth it.

Your mum is giving mixed messages by saying she wants to look after your DD, yet acting as if it's all too much for her. Maybe she's desperate to stop, but feels guilty for letting you down, or is worried that it makes her appear less of a caring granny etc.

Suggest you both put your cards on the table, have a frank conversation, and establish for once and for all if the arrangement should stop. Tell her you notice how stressed she is, and that the care isn't "expected". As others have said, the expectation is not fair. It does sound like it's too much for her.

Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her?

Yes, for whatever reason, this arrangement isn’t working out.

I imagine your Mum is finding the responsibility too much. That's what I'm getting from your posts OP.

If you get along well that's brilliant.

Perhaps she's actually finding it really hard to accept that she's not able to be so hands-on anymore.

I'm sure there's a better way of organising things so resentment doesn't build.

2 hours a week is really not a lot. If living one's best life is more important than family then fair enough, but relationships shops don't spring up from thin air. There has to be some give and take with these things.

A lot of these posts chiding me are from older people. Haven’t you learned that the world is not black and white?!

Yes thanks

Do you get on well with your Mum... this older person?

My kids are older but my db's kids are that age. My dm is 65 and fit and active and even she finds the toddlers exhausting to look after even for a couple of hours. Your dm is 75, it is clearly too much so just pay for some childcare.

She might not be communicating it in a way that you want but she doesn't want to do this - let it go, find a nursery and hold on to the lunches with your Mum . It's exhausting and a worry to look after little ones

She can insist all she likes that she wants to do it. She probably does. But if it isn't working for you and her it's best to tell her that you've made other arrangements and then plan relaxed times within which to see her instead. You don't have to take her up on the offer.

Do you generally get along well?

@Welshlady89 was she a hands on mum when you were little?

I am not older, but I don't want to look after any future GC regularly. Emergencies, yes. And there is no way I would ever come down on a train to do it like your MIL. I hope to be doing other more interesting things, maybe even a part time job in the theatre!

She is telling you it is too much and you are making excuses that it should be something she can manage. She can have a relationship with her grandchild without providing child care.

Why is there no expectation for the grandfather’s to cover a shift so the child doesn’t need to go to nursery at all? The casual sexism that almost always shows up in these situations is very frustrating.

Pay for care and ask grandparents if they are willing to be emergency backups if available.

@Welshlady89 what does she say when you discuss the messages she is sending you

she has told you that she finds it difficult, so it is time to make alternative arrangements. she can't complain about that seeing as she has told you that she is tired and can't cope with it

There are 75 years olds....and there are 75 year olds....

Is your mum lonely? You mention having lunch together most days, so it seems like she is on her own. If she is feeling lonely and possibly depressed, she is likely to see things negatively. Is this the cause of her moaning? Or is she actually finding sole charge too much? As we all know, looking after a non verbal child can be very lonely. I would ask if the 'outside help' could do an extra morning, but before confirming it, have an honest talk with your mum to clear the air and only change the status quo if she would like to stop her morning with the grandchild.

My mother died before I had my children, but my sister said my mum used to moan about looking after the grandchildren and I think part of that was finding it lonely.

I was thinking that 😂😂

My dads 74 had cancer and goes the gym everyday - sometimes twice a day!

It's not old.

But it certainly not the ideal age to have a 1yo to look after!

This.

Or maybe op's dm thought saying she'd have lunch by herself was a punishment or something, even though op quite sensibly felt dm wouldn't want to join her as she'd had enough by that point.