To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

I don't think it's selfish or entitled to ask and I agree family should be helping each other out. Both with caring for children and caring for elderly family members. What is entitled and selfish is expecting it from someone who is clearly struggling with it and not appreciatring what they do.

She may have insisted she wanted to do it but her messages suggest she’s changed her mind. So book the morning at nursery and you can go back to socialising together for lunches rather than her doing childcare. It’s the excuse you’ve been looking for to change arrangements.

Yeah, she’s not coping, so it’s time to mix it up.

Explore nursery - although you have to do a minimum of four sessions around me, which is either two full days or four mornings/afternoons, so you may not be able to just put her in for one morning. That said, you might find having consistent care for those three mornings from the same person does her good as she gets older, anyway.

Perhaps she can’t admit that she’s not coping, or it’s too much for her. It sounds like she’d like to help, but she’s just not able to cope.

She encouraged me to live close by so she could help out

Talking about it and reality are two very different things. I would imagine that she felt obliged to offer the two hours childcare because your MIL had offered. That is how things work... a bit of healthy (or unhealthy!) competition between Grandmas!

But now she wishes she wasn't doing it. Because she possibly finds it a strain or she worries about your LO.

75 is quite elderly to be expected to look after a one year old. Its obvious your mother just isn't up to it. YABU.

Based on my Mum at the same age for her to be able to say no to having my daughter for two hours would be a huge thing for her she would have struggled to say it and battled with herself so much as she absolutely adores her. I know it's hard but you need to listen to your mum. I'm sorry though because I feel if your mum is half as my mum is she would have her every day if she was physically able.

It’s much better to be cared for by a grandparent who wants to and enjoys it. It is not better when the grandparent isn’t coping. And nursery is great for kids in terms of socialisation and meeting other kids

The OP used the word “expect” in the title, not “accept”. There is a difference.

you will feel much better with your child in nursery for that time, and cut back on all these lunches with Mum - if she find you feeding your daughter stressful do not invite/include her for so many meals.

I couldn't bare to put my children in someone's care who clearly don't want to be looking after them

She clearly isn’t coping and doesn’t wish to admit it. Especially as the mil is doing the care too. So it’s difficult. It also isn’t fair to your child, as your mother is likely snappy when she’s with her. No way she bottles it up and your kid doesn’t see it…

just see if you can get a nursery place. She will react angrily but be relieved so it will pass.

This.

Her behaviour suggests that she feels you have emotionally manipulated her into having your child, which doesn’t reflect well on you OP. Sorry, but mobile children under 3 are, frankly, exhausting even for a fit young mother. A 75 year old is too vulnerable and too easily tired.

If you are working and have just the one child, you can find the money to pay for nursery or to explore additional hours with the ‘outside help’ you mention. Your child will benefit from socialising with children her age if you were to find a nursery/playgroup with availability.

I have a child a similar age. My mum is in her fifties and has only looked after him for half an hour by herself. And this was one time not every week. I think it’s a lot to expect someone in their seventies to look after such a young child regularly. As someone with basically no family support, it’s very odd to me hearing people who get regular help from parents complaining that it’s not enough. I would be so grateful if anyone would look after my child for 2 hours even once every other month. I would never expect once a week.

Yes YABU amd very entitled. Your mum is clearly struggling and you tell her she can't stay for lunch which will come across as a punishment for her not managing. Arrange paid childcare, most people need to these days.
And count your blessings, you and your DD are very lucky to have your mum with you and so involved. Your mum may seem fit and healthy which is great but at 75 you're on borrowed time. Appreciate your mother before she is gone and make her feel appreciated.

She’s been telling you it’s too much for her but you’ve continued sending your child, no wonder she’s tetchy. Arrange alternative childcare.

Could there be some misunderstanding in the way you are both communicating about this? Could there be any doubt about her complaining? What I mean is, could she be feeling frazzled and wants to tell you what they've both been doing and it's coming across as her moaning when she doesn't intend to?

No, I don’t, which is why I say if I can and it’s not unreasonable to ask. However, My parents are that age and do 2 days a week for my Dniece. In comparison 2 hours a week seems very little and would be no use really to most working parents. My intention and default would be to help out more than that if I can, and if required.

It’s much better for the child to be looked after by grandparents than to go into a nursery and it means they will have a lovely relationship. It’s sad that some posters think it is “selfish” or “entitled” thing to ask for. We are family. I don’t see it like that at all. We are a team.

If she has been insisting she is fine and wants to have her, she cannot then say she's had enough then renege on saying she's had enough: you need to get childcare for those two hours and stop the pattern. It's not helping either of you xx

YABU. People of 75 do not have nearly as much stamina as younger people, and looking after a one-year-old is hard work. Bending down, picking them up, carrying them upstairs etc., leaning over to change nappies, are all things that younger people don’t think twice about but which can be very difficult for older people even if they are relatively fit and healthy.

You were even more unreasonable about the lunch - it wasn’t that your mother didn’t want to be with your daughter but that she didn’t want to be the one looking after her.

Send your daughter to nursery for that morning, but make sure your mother has plenty of other time with her (and you) so she can dote on her without the hard work. I appreciate that she makes the offer of childcare and you aren’t forcing it on her, but it might be a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak.

You need to pay for childcare. How can you possibly complain when you’re getting so much childcare for free week in, week out?

How far is your MIL travelling on a train every week to do 3 hrs childcare ?

It sounds like it’s too much for your mum too.
One year olds are full on.
Yes you need to look at nursery.

Yes of course, sort out childcare.

I am sorry it isn't working for you, as two hours a week doesn't seem unreasonable. But she's 75, not 60. She may have much lower energy than you realise. She may be full of aches and pains that make her irritable and impatient or have health concerns or memory concerns. Very young children are exhausting, and although 2 hours is no time at all, it is still tying her to an obligation week in week out when she may need more flexibility.

Try not to let it ruin your relationship with her or hers with your daughter. I'd send her a message saying you hadn't realised it was too much and you will get your childminder to cover those hours from now on, and that you hope to see her soon.

I think your talk about your parents still working is misleading. I expect they are doing office based admin type work - though if your mother is fixing stage lighting tracks, painting scenery or performing as Hamlet three nights a week I apologise - where they are interacting with other civilised polite adults, sitting down when they need to, and taking breaks when they want, not wrangling a non verbal toddler with a surprising turn of speed and a nappy that needs changing.