To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

Yes, quite.

Some women are very fit and well in their mid-70s. Many aren't.

No one is suggesting that older women are useless.

Talking about reality - that most women in their mid-70s are more tired and less physically able than they were 10 or even 5 years before, does not take away from the value that older women have.

I don't think YABU at all especially as your Mum says she is keen to help out and have your DD. But it seems the reality is just too much for her. She may be keen in mind and body but emotionally looking after a 1 year old is clearly a step too far for her. Perhaps having her round for lunch and watching your DD while you do a few things at home may be a compromise - so she won't be sole charge but will still feel she is helping you and it will enable you to get a few jobs done at home.

I don't think you are entitled but your mother is clearly not coping. I'm only 54 and I would not like having to spend two hours a week entertaining a child. I'd rather spend those hours reading, walking or doing something I like. So none of you is unreasonable but this arrangement is not working

You should have said on your OP that your Mum originally offered - don't drop that in later!

Ok, YANBU to accept the original offer of help, now you have described how that came about

YABU to 'expect' it - which is what your OP said

Sounds like she wanted to do it, but now it is happening, it's just too difficult, for whatever reason

As she has stated in messages that she will not look after her again, it's time to find a nursery or CM for 1 morning a week

No, you're not and that's fine. You wouldn't have posted the first sentence if you were genuine.

I know this isn't addressed to me: but with respect, you took it upon yourself to make things personal to you, by bringing up your own deceased mum.

I mean, some people lose their mum when she's 50, but most active 50 year olds can cope with two hours. The two are not linked at all.

She has offered but then is resentful. It is so bewildering. I had a similar experience and I think, in my case, it was some kinda power play and so annoying that in the end I l refused as it was just too much aggro. You should do the same.

What you think she 'should' be able to do is irrelevant, she's clearly finding it a challenge so you and OH need to find a solution for your child.

I'm sorry, but....she's 75! I know a few people of this age and although individuals vary, people's energy levels are just not enough to deal with a small child. I'm not quite that old, but I remember the utter exhaustion of having small children - it's really not on to expect someone of that age to do it. Just the bending and lifting would do me in.

Do you go out with DM and DD when you are not working? Maybe you can change what you do, so put DD into nursery but then have fun time all together eg park, soft play (ugh!) So Dm doesn't have the responsibility which she might be finding harder than she thought she would

No, you're not and that's fine. You wouldn't have posted the first sentence if you were genuine.

I was merely making the point that one size does not fit all.

Bombarding you with twenty texts I suggests to me that your mother is a bit unhinged. Either there has been a personality change or I suspect that she wasn’t as good a mother as you think she was. At your age, I may have said the same about my own mother but in hindsight I can see that I was wrong.

Two hours is a very short amount of time and as you say, she still works and is fit. She finds the time and energy to visit you every day for lunch. It seems like she wants everything on her terms. Do you really want to see her every day? It would send most people bonkers. I don’t see how that can continue after all this because you’ll be resentful.

And I wish posters would realise that increasing age does come with limitations, whether you like it or not!

It doesn't matter if it is two hours, two days or two minutes. THIS PARTICULAR LADY is not coping.

Your post is silly because you are entirely unable to imagine that not everyone has the exact same experience.

The OP's mum isn't obliged to look after her grandchild at all.

I am sorry for your loss, and that your children will not know the delight of being with them (if that would be the case). My post was more about grandparents that had help when their children were young and now fob off the younger generation.

Is this some kind of competition?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh don't be so daft.

I DO do it but not every week.

When my mum would have turned 80, she'd been dead for 17 years.

She' s hardly minding her when it's only for 2 hours.
At a year old she'll just be walking and there is a lot you can do with a 1 year old- reading and playing or going for a little walk outside.

2 hours is nothing.

And I wish posters would stop suggesting older women are useless and feeble.

Well, if she wants to do it perhaps there is a third option, which is to accept the help, let her vent a bit and then say that you know it can be very full on and you appreciate her spending that time with your daughter.

Yes, it’s easy to spout all sorts of nonsense when you don’t actually do it yourself. 😂😂

That's still not the same as all the bending, stretching and lifting or mental load that accompanies looking after a 1 year old whose safety and wellbeing depends entirely on you.

If the OP's mum doesn't feel capable of that or even just doesn't want to do it, that is fine.

I don’t think ur unreasonable, however Mumsnetters will think you are.

however from personal experience, just put ur child in nursery. It’ll save u the agro x

Looking after your grandkid for 2 hours once a week is not unreasonable.. you shut the door and turn your head and 5 mins has already passed.. and the woman goes to their house every day for lunch. Your post is silly.

Would it not occur to you that older people might be coming at this with personal experience?! Don't be so dismissive.

Your mother is coming across loud and clear that it's too much.

You seem to have a good relationship with her - can't you talk it through frankly? Tell her that she can't mind her and moan. She either minds her with a positive outlook or not at all. I'd be making other arrangements quite honestly! I think it's a tall order to have women in their 70s minding a toddler. The age of posters is irrelevant!

Op I'd take her at her word and arrange alternative childcare, sounds rather dramatic to bombard you with messages and say she won't look after dgd again, that's rather ott if you ask me and emotionally immature. Does she behave like this over other things?

Why do you invite her over for lunch every day? Is it enjoyable for you both or an obligation? She wants to be involved but not on her own with dd?

It's sad if she finds it stressful and gets so tetchy with you, when I'm sure you had hoped she'd enjoy her time with your dd. She may find it easier as dd gets older and just struggles with this particular age. My dm was similar, we had some dramas. I never expected any help, or asked for it, she'd play the martyr and insist occasionally though. Then say it was too much for her afterwards, act resentful that she'd had to do it even though she was the one who insisted! So I found it less stressful and emotionally draining to just book extra time for dd at the childminder when I needed to.

Mil occasionally offered to drive 90 mins each way to babysit for birthdays, anniversary etc, we did it a few times but it was too much for her with the drive as well, the difference was she really wanted to help and loved her time with dd. My dm just didn't enjoy it and found that age too stressful, which was absolutely fine and understandable, a bit sad yes, but I'd rather dd was in a calm environment, and not have to deal with drama from dm