To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

I’d guess that your mum is worried she won’t be welcome to see her grandchild if she stops the childcare.

There are only a few posts you’ve acknowledged and those are the ones who feel you’re right and that your mother should be happy about caring for a small child.

Find a nursery, but reassure your mum that she’ll still be welcome to see her grandchild regularly.

Hi OP. I also don't think you're being unreasonable. I expect it's a case of your mum having a vision of a lovely quaint few hours bonding with your daughter but the reality is that she is pretty full on, cries at time and your mum finds it stressful. Her expectations aren't matching up with reality. That's maybe why she WANTS to do it, but doesnt ENJOY doing it? When you say she doesn't like to be there when you feed your daughter because she finds it stressful, that's what it made me think of.

Could you have an honest conversation with her about it. "When I pick daughter up you seem stressed and resentful. I'm going to book her into nursery instead because it upsets me". And see what she says from there. If it happens again, just tell her it's not working, you don't want to spoil your relationship with her so youre booking it and that's that.

There's always people on Mumsnet who.managed to run a household, work 80 hour weeks and raise 10 children on their own on a shoestring. The lack of compassion towards mother's is ridiculous. If it was a dad saying his mum wouldn't help him for 2 hours I'm sure the replies would be different.

I think it's just the age of your child and your mum doesn't want to admit it's too much for her.

I don’t have DC but DB does and so do other close relatives all in their 70s and my DM who’s 83. Only one of them finds it “easy”’when she looks after her grandchildren on the parents date nights.

As the children get more active and grandparents age it gets harder.

Just pay for the childcare.

Yes... PP mam walked 10 miles at 80 so everyone just chooses to be less able.

My mam was dead before 55, with paralysis and after 4 cancer battles that left her bed bound after a decade in a wheelchair.

If only she had 'walked more' she would clearly be here and fit as a fiddle... disability is clearly self inflicted from slowing down too much don't we know?

‘ I appreciate that she is getting older…’

She’s 75 & you are 35yo.
Honestly, you have very little idea of how energy reserves run down after menopause & with ageing. Your mum is being fair & letting you down gently, as she may soon not be available for childcare.

What energy & physical/mental reserves your mum has, she needs for herself.

I can’t imagine I’ll be very enthusiastic about looking after a busy toddler when I’m 75.. YABVU.

also are you sure your. U. Is as well as you think. Is there a reason behind her tiredness. That was one of the first signs of my mother becoming ill.

Cherish and respect your mum. Let this go without resentment and enjoy whatever healthy years you have left with her. Dont make this time all about you and yours.

People are totally deranged on the subject of help from grandparents on this site. In real life everyone I know expects some level of help from fit and able grandparents living nearby. It’s not entitled or grabby; it’s just how families work.

I don’t know what to recommend in your situation except to have a frank discussion with her and ask her how she would feel if you used nursery instead. Definitely discuss it first to avoid her taking offence.

namechangetheworld · Today 15:27
Good luck with this one OP. Mumsnetters are always VERY bitter over the idea of grandparents giving unpaid childcare. Goodness knows why, since thousands do it every day.

I was at the school gates one day and overheard a group of grannies and grandads making jokes about how grateful their kids were to them, how much they got paid etc ‘oh my god I could buy an island’ etc etc. the knives were out, sarcasm dripping. I took a step back to try to hide. About seven or eight, some of who bring children into the playground with us and nearly collapse trying to control them, have to pick up screaming toddlers etc. gps as childcare honestly shouldn’t be done in most cases (and before you ask yes I know it’s an impossible problem- I became a sahm because we were paying for years for me to work in a really good job and my kids were practically living in a childminders and we were broken in every way).

I think you’ve had a really hard time here - especially considering it’s only 2 hours a week. Sounds like your mum is not willing/able to help in any case so I think you need childcare.

These threads often go the other way - with posters desperately keen to point out that actually the GP are benefitting from doing free childcare because they get to spend time with the precious DC, and “you’ll remember not to help them out in their old age then”. Those are not my views but I’m surprised that this has been so one-sided.

So she has told you she is struggling, that its too much and now that shes not doing it anymore and your asking what?

Of course you have to organize childcare, what are you going to do FORCE he to be a free babysitter? she has said no.

It might be just a habit. Speak to her and tell her how it makes you feel. Also ask if it is too much.

Good luck@Welshlady89.

This post was never going to end well. MN’ers don’t taken too kindly to free family childcare arrangements. Especially when parents moan about the free arrangement. Best to get paid for care and then it won’t come with hassle and drama.

Whilst I agree that people can and should help keep themselves active, I think it's a rather glib thing to say that people only slow down because they allow themselves to! Every body (literally) is different. Your mum was walking 10 miles with her walking group (was that daily out of interest)? Fantastic and good for her but she wasn't working full time, cooking, cleaning and looking after young kids like someone in their 30's might be. She wouldn't be able to. The point I'm making is that it's all relative.

Walking 10 miles with a leisurely friendship group, going to the gym or line dancing when retired is not to be confused with doing, or feeling, the same as you did when younger. A younger person will look at a trim 75 year old with various hobbies and think they have no vulnerabilities and are perfectly capable of behaving like a 50 year old. They simply are not. I'm a pretty fit 67 year old (touch wood). I still work full time and do other activities but I know that I now have my limitations and various little ailments are starting to appear, despite my best efforts and mindset. To suggest that all 75 year olds should be perfectly capable of looking after a 1 year old is very wrong of you, even if it is only for 2 hours.

Entitled much.
Your child is your responsibility end of you deal with it dont have kids if you expect others to do the parenting.
I wont even babysit for anyone because i say a flat out NO.

I always say this on here but I’m only in my 40s and I have bad knees and a bad back. I can’t even imagine in 30 years picking up and putting down a young child, running after them to stop them getting into stuff etc. and I always always said I’d be the most hands on gp ever😅 With a heart condition yourself surely you can see how much stress a 1 yo can cause? Not like when they’re older and you literally just need someone breathing to provide them with snacks, chat to them and watch while they read/ game!! (Sorry op!!)

Good luck with this one OP. Mumsnetters are always VERY bitter over the idea of grandparents giving unpaid childcare. Goodness knows why, since thousands do it every day.

Suspect it's a combination of posters who can't be arsed with their own grandchildren because they've 'already raised their children' and jealous posters whose own parents refused to help out.

All these younger people claiming to know what a 75 year old can manage and dismissing comments from older people! People are different at that age just as they are at every other age. It's not just about physical fitness it's the mental alertness required, some older people suffer with anxiety.

I don't know the OP's mother and neither do any of the other posters so we dont know what she feels able to do. I am nearly 70 and do several exercise classes a week and walk a lot but I'm not sure I could look after a 1 year old. I could look after a 4 year old but fortunately I won't be asked to again as my own grandchildren are all teenagers now.

How many hours do you expect the male members of your family to provide, or is it womens work only?

Why are you making an argument out of nothing?

Children lose their parents at all kinds of ages.

You know nothing about me and the losses in my life.

As I said, it's not a competition whose mum lived the longest. You've chosen to be nasty, not me.

It should not wipe you out in your 40's I am in my mid/late 40's and my daughter is one. Not even slightly comparable to 75. You should maybe get your iron and B12 checked if you are struggling with fatigue they can drop with peri.

Your mum already raised kids...this is your child. For her, she doesn't want to do thus all again and too many people expect grandparents to want to. Put the child in nursery

Yup.

One of my grandmothers died at 76 of bronchial pneumonia. I’m 64 and I’ve outlived my other gran - and this is a woman who was very active.

You can be fit and try your best to keep healthy, but you can’t outrun age.

Oof.. there we go

Do you think that maybe your DM just likes the drama? It sounds to me as if she wants you to simply agree with her:
Oh yes mum, I know it's a chore but we're incredibly grateful - now come and put your feet up while I make you a cup of tea.
I'm not saying it is this but some people just want to feel important.