To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

I hate posts like this. So, what you are saying is... someone of 75 doesn't feel comfortable looking after a full-on 1 year old, every week... in that case, you can rot at home when you are 90, don't expect any help from your child.

I would love to offer my services to my DD to look after my impending GC but I think it might be a bit much every week. I don't sleep well at night, and I would be on tenterhooks the whole time because I'm a bit of a worrier and I would want to do it right. When I had my DCs and looked after others' children, I was hyper vigilant, and I think I would be like that, but even more so because I would be out of practice.

However, when it is babysitting, or looking after GC whilst Mum goes for a run, or even having baby overnight when appropriate, I'd be there.
This is not being selfish. This is being sensible and realistic. Maybe you will feel differently when you are much older.

what can she do?

surely that was abundantly evident the first time who mother very clearly expressed her stress and struggling with the arrangement…. and called up nursery!

I didn't read you were expecting anything, OP

read the thread title

WHERE does she say that? She is asking what she should do. Not saying how can I force my poor aged mother to care for my child. Wtf is wrong with people.

I didn't read you were expecting anything, OP seems very clear. I think a lot of these comments are fucking insane, your mum had previously been ok to do this, and clearly enjoys your company as she comes to lunch a lot (LOL at the people suggesting this is yet ANOTHER burden on the poor old dear - most 75 year old mums would give their right arm to sit down with their daughter every day).

I think it was an entirely reasonable arrangement childcare arrangement, which may now no longer be working, so look into alternatives. I imagine your mum will
continue to say she's upset you are doing so, I think that just goes with the territory - she probably feels that its too much for her, but wishes it wasn't.

I had my DDs at 38 and 40 respectively, my parents were long dead so we had no childcare help at all but I don't resent those who do. I just don't know what it is about grandparents even lifting a finger to help with their grandkids, it brings out all the keyboard warriors on here.

you won’t do this op will you? 😆

and when you say you’re asking for advice, did you cast your eye over your thread title?

She’s your child. Why are you ‘expecting’ anything ? That’s what’s unreasonable. Your mum is telling you as clearly as she can that you DD is too much for her. You may think it’s ‘only’ two hours. For your mum at 75 it’s totally different.

Maybe it hasn’t panned out to what she thought it would be. More “work” than “fun”?

Convincing you to move closer to “help you”, then offering to help (2 hours per week 😂), and changing her mind seems a tad manipulative, but we are where we are.

The attitude, etc, is her way of telling you she doesn’t want to do it anymore. Pick up on her cues and find alternative arrangements.

You’re not the first person to be let down like this—MIL volunteered to take care of my toddler in our home when I went into labour with my second (they live over an hour away). I went into labour one day before my due date. DH phoned, and his parents had both had too much to drink, so couldn’t drive down. Cue the lady in labour ringing around for someone to take a toddler overnight immediately. 🙈 Had it not occurred to them that they both shouldn’t be drinking so near to a due date? Who knows.

I can't believe the hostility on here. Your dm is being weird and selfish. I really feel for you OP.

Well said. The comments here bear no relation to reality.

In real life most people would absolutely consider an able grandparent who wouldn’t do two hours a WEEK of childcare without making a song and dance about it a bit of a dick.

OP hasn’t even implied she feels negative towards her mother about this so she’s a bigger woman than most would be. She seems quite willing to change the arrangement if needed; she’s just wondering if that’s the right thing to do.

For whatever reason she is wanting you to feel guilty about this despite offering. I would remove her from the equation and look into a nanny. I don’t know how much money you have to spare for childcare but as you only need a few hours throughout the week I’d see if there might be a nanny or even an au pair who could help out. It would also give you some flexibility if you wanted to take on any more work.

Alternatively I would also so recommend sitting down with your mum outside of the childcare time and laying it on the table and asking what the trouble is? This doesn’t need to be framed as an argument but more a check in because she seems unhappy at pick up. If she insists all is ok and continues to do it then I’d 100% say thank you but this isn’t working anymore and for the sake of your relationship you need to look into an alternative option.

YANBU.

The comments on here are very extreme and bitter! You are not ‘entitled’ and have explained why you used the word ‘expect’ in your post - because your DM offered to help and in fact encouraged you to move closer, precisely for that reason.

Objectively speaking, two hours a week is not a lot for someone who is fit and active and still working part-time - it sounds like it’s just selfishness on your DM’s part. This attitude of ‘I raised my family, I just want fun granny time now’ disgusts me, but at least some posters here have the guts to admit they simply don’t WANT to do it, rather than the majority saying your DM CAN’T do it/isn’t coping etc.

Let’s see what your DM ‘expects’ as she gets older and inevitably needs more help - I’m sure what you ‘want’ won’t come into it, and all these posters calling you selfish and entitled would be the same ones telling you it’s your job to look after your ailing parents. The hypocrisy is astounding.

reread your thread title

and advice

“oh mum i get it, it’s hard work. Thanks for being straight with me. I’ll sort nursery. Now, when you next over for lunch?”

Ok name one thing you find hard, find someone else that finds that thing easy. Now do that thing alone for several hours each week - because after all if someone finds it easy- it can't really be hard for you.

You utter self-centredness and entitlement show. I can't believe you are this horrid about your own mum. Don't expect her to do it anymore. Take time off work on the sessions your mum would have your kid until you've found childcare.

what a heartless thing to say

Then that's probably why you've had some comments to say YABU because it comes across that you're expecting things, especially as the title says you're expecting it.

and reality has kicked in and she’s CHANGED HER MIND

but here you are still thinking she owes you and “should” carry on nonetheless

Some 75 year olds are very fit and healthy and two hours is not a lot. Your mum however has made it clear she is struggling so yes in this case I would put your dd in nursery and then enjoy the time together with your mum rather than worrying it’s causing resentment. Sending 20 msgs is a concern so when all calmed down have a chat with your mum and explain why you are going to put her in nursery and you want the relationship to be better and her to enjoy being with her grandchild so she neither party feels bad about the decision.

im pretty “horrified” that you have no issues leaving your baby with someone who has been crystal clear with you that despite offering to care for your baby, it’s too much in reality and she can’t handle it

I'm neither of these. My parents have been amazing all my kids lives, like so way beyond what most of my friends parents do for their grandchildren. However, I would never "expect" a thing from them, and the minute I do I've become a bit entitled. It's one thing hoping for some help and being grateful when you get it, its another thing putting an expectation on someone.