Hi, I'd love some advice on this situation as I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much. Sorry for length!
Background:
I've (32f) lived with my bf (52m) and his mum (87F) almost 3 years now. We have been together for 5 years.
His mum, sadly, has mid stage dementia. We are waiting on social service help and his sister has recently started helping more since I briefly moved out at the beginning of the year.
I moved in party due to rent increase and partly due to mental health issues.
BF and I met at work, he still works there, I've since moved jobs. I asked him out when I left that role. He told no one in that job that he had a girlfriend, until i forced him to tell his best friend at work last year. He still doesn't mention me at work "I will say I went for a walk with a woman" and has said "ok iill name you and they'll all talk about you" when I've brought this up.
AIBU to expect him admit to having a 5 year relationship, almost 3 of those years having a live in GF who helps care for his ill, elderly mother?
Helping his mum has improved my mood, he does a lot for me 'acts of service' wise. I am not close to my family at all due to violence. I do have 3 very close friends for support.
When I first moved in I was in the middle of a break from reality. This continued and Id often 'hear' him talking to other people. I recorded him a few times.
One Saturday I was due to meet friends but it was changed to a Sunday, I didn't let him know this. We had the day free from caring for his mum but he spent the day in bed tired. I recorded him that day and have a recording of him whispering "one more day x5..." "you've no idea" "remember when?...and we did anyway...well yeah, youve been warned" "be very good to yourself the whole day" and other things like that.
A week later his sister came over and said "you know when you think something is a sat but it's a sun" and looked at him.
I confronted him about this a week later and he said he didn't make a phone call. After hearing the recording he said he didn't remember having a phone call and wouldn't know why he would be whispering but he wouldn't be calling anyone. He said he forgets and thats all there is to be said on it.
I also walked in on him on a call saying "I love you more" then heard "did (my name just walk in)" from other side and he said yes and they continued a normal conversation about their mum. (They are both adopted from different families)
I confronted him about this and he had a shower, left his phone out whilst in the shower and came back out to show me the call log was from his sister and obviously I misheard something.
These are things I think I am willing to draw a line under.
I have asked for more physical affection and intimacy since the beginning of the relationship. We've always sat on septetate chairs or me on a bean bag and have had very little physical interaction. I've asked multiple times for more compliments as he will only say I look "well" or "good".
He states he says that because he's 52 and so wouldn't be saying anything else. Is this true of other 52 year old men?
He was alone for 15 years before me due to an abusive relationship but I know he showed and stated more affection in past relationships than he does with this one.
My body shape is not his preference but he will not admit this despite how open sexually I am. He's not mine either but I go more on vibes with people and would never make comments to make anyone feel less than of i did have particular preferences (unless as a joke but backed up with compliments)
We don't spend much time doing different activities together. He once told me he doesn't like to 'plan in advance' when asking about what to do on our next MiL free day. We used to forage a lot but recently when given the opportunity to go to a foraging event he said "I'd rather do the garden, I don't like walking about looking at things to eat". I've asked for more physical affection and again "I don't like".
Ive spent so much of this relationship fitting into his lifestyle and he hasnt tried to do the same for me.
I wrote him a letter recently and in it discussed how we hadn't had sex in over a year. He stated "sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now". When he was next on his laptip his previous tabs showed multiple porn sites. He apologised for lying and said it should be left at that because he didn't get "excited" and because I didn't pay a month's rent (v little amount of rent here, i was planning on moving out after the recording) awhile ago and he took my apology and didn't mention it again. I paid the money back but realised he was hurt due to previous relationships messing him up moneywise
He did recently suggest buying a sofa so we could hold hands sitting together sometimes at night (instead of across from each other) again this is something he's said no to before but feels/has basically lost me so is now trying.
I am currently off work ill and will be going half pay soon. I really need to work on my mental health and on paper this seems like a good environment but I feel I might have been deteriorating a little whilst I've been here (not all due to our relationship).
Rent is crazy at the moment, and I have got myself in debt/defaults due to stupid things over the past 2 years, so will find it hard to rent/buy for awhile.
Am I being unreasonable to expect more from him? I am being unreasonable to expect a 52 year old man to call me pretty at the very least?
I understand he is going through a lot. I do help a lot and try to help him. I do understand than most relationships are about companionship and we do get along well.
Any comments, questions, suggestions, advice etc welcome!
Tia!