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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

463 replies

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:40

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

OP posts:
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lolly792 · 20/08/2024 12:37

Bingo! We've now had the usual posts from people who claim to have worked in nurseries or as a childminder but say they'd never use paid childcare themself!

I guess they were crap at their job or worked in crap nurseries. Fortunately there are absolutely brilliant childminders and nurseries out there which enhance the child's life

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 20/08/2024 12:36

@Whenwillitgetwarm Unfortunately that article is incredibly dogmatic in the opposite direction. I’m shocked the Guardian published that article — it does exactly what it criticises Ballerina Farm for doing but in the opposite direction!

This topic is incredibly nuanced. There is no correct answer to “is a child better off at home or at childcare?”

On the whole children, especially young children benefit from consistent 1:1 attention and nurturing from responsive caregivers, and not necessarily parents. The ideal is probably a consistent caregiver or small group of caregivers who are able to deal with the demands of looking after a small child day in and day out with their own MH and self regulation relatively intact.

Is this best achieved in a standard nursery? Probably not in most nurseries as we know them — they are stretched and underfunded. Staff are often minimally qualified, poorly paid, and turn over is high in many of them. The ratios and workload don’t necessarily allow caregivers to be as responsive as they could be in a group child care setting.

Is it best achieved by a SAHM? Not if she’s poorly supported, under massive stress and financial strain, and struggling with her mental health.

Different things are better for different children and families depending on the situation, and often parents are struggling to choose between multiple options none of which is ideal. The conversation needs to focus less on which is “best” and more on how we can support families to provide a healthy environment for their young children regardless of whether they are home with family or attending childcare.

ijustneedtokeepbreathing · 20/08/2024 12:35

Qualified and trained childcare professionals (nannies, nursery staff etc) are not random strangers.

I appreciate that your view on this is informed by difficulties in your past as you mention, but honestly many, many parents return to work and leave their kids in the capable hands of childcare professionals. All 3 of mine went to nursery full time from 8 months. I had no choice - no family to help etc and needed to work.

Also, I suspect that statistically children are at greater risk from members of their own/extended family than they are from childcare professionals, unfortunately.

WickieRoy · 20/08/2024 12:33

Very happily sent mine to nursery from 10 months. They loved it, I loved it. They weren't looked after by strangers but by professionals, as someone upthread said. Many of those professionals became our friends.

I admit I was wary of childminders for such young DC.

Nurseries and childminders pose a miniscule risk compared to family members, sadly.

DH earns more than nursery fees, so financially it made sense for him to remain at work even before considering pension and progression. He earns the same as me now so it paid off financially, although it wasn't really a financial decision, neither of us wanted to give up our careers.

I actually know people who prefer working to looking after dcs. Not many thank goodness.

They're usually called "Dad". That often seems to be fine though, only a problem when they're called "Mum".

skyfalldown · 20/08/2024 12:33

I won't be but I have my own very acute personal reasons for that

dottiedodah · 20/08/2024 12:33

Strangers would not be suitable for Child Care .Luckily most of us Nursery Nurses are interested in Children and care about them a great deal.We take the time to get to know all the children, and make them happy and comfortable .I am retired now ,but still miss all my little charges .When they start School Teachers are "Strangers"! Also Ballet Classes ,football Rainbows and so on! YABU OP .I am sorry you have suffered abuse .but your DC have to live in the world!

Nina9870 · 20/08/2024 12:32

Yeh I just couldn’t leave mine in a nursery, but I realise how privileged I am to have been able to keep mine at home/ with grandparents- I totally understand not everyone has that choice and there’s no judgement from me. The thought of leaving them with people I didn’t know filled me with dread. I work pt and grandparents filled in the gaps.
My oldest started preschool/ school nursery at 3 and a half and I first started her on half days as I thought she’d be shattered, but within a month she was asking for full days as she was having so much fun! She was so ready.

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 12:31

@A2J to make you really seethe at how low your pedestal is I know 2 women are self employed AND homeschool.

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/08/2024 12:31

Its also ok for women to chose to go back to work because they want to.

Men do it all the time.

LoneHydrangea · 20/08/2024 12:29

I never did but only because I had no need to. I cut down to 2 days per week and family provided childcare. I didn’t work FT for the next 15 years.

It’s not so easy for people that have no choice due to finances.

Elphamouche · 20/08/2024 12:27

Please be careful you don’t fall off that high horse of yours!

crumblingschools · 20/08/2024 12:25

@AgileGreenSeal if you are against the profession so much why did you become a childminder?

MouseofCommons · 20/08/2024 12:25

Mine went to nursery as I'm a lone parent and wasn't able to stop working as I was on tax credits.
I would have saved the country money if I'd been allowed to stay at home. But the system threw £1k at month at my nursery fees for years.

Demonhunter · 20/08/2024 12:25

A2J · 20/08/2024 12:07

@Demonhunter not now.

So what, the whole point of your thread was about school age kids and working/childcare, not afterwards. You said you didn't work when your kids were school age, so again, it was you who said that, not me.

Differentstarts · 20/08/2024 12:24

ladyintherain · 20/08/2024 12:19

I agree and I stayed home with mine

Who paid your bills your husband or the government

crumblingschools · 20/08/2024 12:24

@NPET did your daughter have a dad? What about if you had a son, would you treat them as the devil incarnate?

AgileGreenSeal · 20/08/2024 12:24

A2J · 20/08/2024 10:40

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

I agree absolutely.
I had four and looked after them myself.

And having worked as a professional childminder and as a nursery worker & manager I advise everyone I know to look after their own babies.

A good childminder is preferable to a nursery but neither comes close to a mother caring for her own child.

TheAlchemy · 20/08/2024 12:24

Not another thread bashing parents that need to work and have no other choice but to put their kids in professional childcare. Honest to god this is so tiresome can all of you with your high earning husbands and your one income families please get down off your high horses.

Differentstarts · 20/08/2024 12:23

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:00

@PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance I didn't work when mine were school age and loved school holidays. I really wish I'd home educated. I'm sorry your dcs suffered.

You do realise the government no longer pays for mums to stay home. Iv been a single mum at times so who do you want to pay my bills if I'm not working

Thesheerrelief · 20/08/2024 12:21

Choices are very personal and often made out of necessity. They don’t need to be “understandable” to the OP or anyone else.

You see so many women on here who have limited earning potential after years of being at home with the children or part-time work. Then their marriage unfortunately breaks down and they have no reliable source of income and no pension.

I returned to full-time work when my son was 2.5. I’m a single parent so I need to provide for him - a roof over his head, clothes and food - but I also want to invest in his future.He can do hobbies and I can save for university if that’s what he chooses. I can give him life experiences he wouldn’t get if I didn’t work. He also, hopefully, sees his how his mother raises him, loves him, and provides for him. I’m very lucky that I can do most drop offs and pick ups. Our situation is different to many but it works for us.

Powderpudding · 20/08/2024 12:21

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:59

@TimetoPour I've read the room and I'm in the minority which as I've said I already suspected. Anyone is welcome to read a thread title and not read on or post. Which I do on many many threads.

Why people are reacting so strongly to my life choice is their business. I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way.

OP, people aren’t reacting strongly to your life choices; I absolutely couldn’t not give a flying monkeys what you choose to do. People are reacting to the judgemental and sanctimonious tone of your posts.

Namechangey23 · 20/08/2024 12:19

A2J · 20/08/2024 11:51

@imisscashmere to be fair I did post in IABU? So I deserve a bit of flack. I can take it I'm all for debate. And also for learning. I'm finding these views interesting.

Mn is somewhere where we can voice things we may dare not ever say to even our closest friends. If people want to attack me and call me goady so be it. Maybe I have come across that way? But if people are reacting strongly why? I'm just someone who couldn't have left my tiny babies with people I wasn't close to. I did bf too which would have made it difficult. But I couldn't have done it. I didn't get help from dm. Rare babysitting from dsis and pils.

Some feel the same it seems. Most don't.

@A2J I find it amusing all the posts on here supposedly from women which appear to be desperate to promote being a SAHM "for the childs sake". The truth is..many women are waking up to the fact that just like men, they can have children AND have a successful career. It's by no means easy, but it's doable. And here's the biggee, that this can give them financial freedom from men, both now and in the future. If you want to be a SAHP because you are afraid of anyone else looking after your child and have means to do so, that's your choice and the one right for you. Would you have left your child with their father whilst you worked some of the week? Men should be taking responsibility for their kids. It's a chicken and egg. The common male get out clause for not doing half the childcare? Oh I earn more. And of course men will continue to earn more on average if they don't do half the childcare! It's that simple. Why didn't your husband or partner choose to take the lifestyle hit and look after the kids at least some of the time whilst you worker...?! Why was it only you who took the lifestyle hit? If you both earned the same what would you have done then?

ladyintherain · 20/08/2024 12:19

I agree and I stayed home with mine

margegunderson · 20/08/2024 12:18

Mmm. Tradwife bollocks? Driven by the US religious right.

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