To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

Absolutely this! Why bother educating women if it is expected and their duty to stay at home! Ha. Antiquated attitudes. And what when they reach their shelf life of being conventionally pretty and their man moves on? What if they don't find a man?! SAHM believers, tell your daughters not too bother with their education, there is no need, just teach them childcare and domestic chores! Sorry but please get with the times because sisters have been doing it for themselves for a while now. We stand on our own two feet!

Sometimes, it isn’t about a ‘job’ though. Educated mothers are much more likely to return to the workplace than uneducated ones. So it’s actually about a career, which is often part of your identity. Maintaining financial independence is also important to many women. I absolutely want to have it all. And why shouldn’t I!

A2J · Today 10:57
** a lot say their career would suffer. That's mostly why. Although some really don't like being parents and dcs are probably better off in nursery tbh.
And some have big mortgages etc. I'd rather live in the little house we had then.

most of OPs posts I’d agree. One above though does seem pretty judgemental

I guess I have a choice. I earn 90k a year and with the funded hours my childcare is about £1k a month, so I am up +£4000 a month by working - going to work is definitely financially worthwhile.

I hate sending my DD (now 2 years old) to a childminder, but I met her multiple times, stayed in her home with my DD, checked her qualifications and Ofsted inspections.

Spoke to the other mums who used her as references - one has an older kid who cried everyday she went to nursery and said "why can't I go to X childminder instead! I love it there!"

My DD goes in happily.

Really I would prefer not to send her to anyone other than close family before age 3, but my career would suffer so much with a year out, I'm in quite a competitive industry and earn a lot.

I don't trust nurseries btw - there's so many staff, you can't possibly vet all of them. And if someone is sick they often use random agency workers.

I don't disagree with you OP that it's not ideal, but for many people it's the lesser of two evils. We also need more men prepared to be sahds so having children doesn't always limit the women's career

Good for you. (Not so humble) brag detected.

I read all OP’s posts and they didn’t come across that way to me.

I really encourage you to reflect on why her statements (of her OWN feelings) provoke this response from you.

So untrue, I'm a teacher, my own children are easier than 30 foundation stage kids but I couldn't afford to stay off (& we have a small house). I was lucky enough to be able to afford to drop down to a 4 day week and grandparents did a day but sometimes you've no choice. What if you're a single parent or a year or two down the line you split up. Women should absolutely be allowed to have children and a career. Both my kids were fine at daycare and love school. In an ideal world it would be lovely to spend more time at home but we are all trying our best to provide love and financial security for our children.

I remember reading similarly ill informed, misogynistic comments on MN a decade ago. I guess some things haven’t changed.

“Leaving your baby with strangers”? Seriously, don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

What a nasty thing to say

Good for you.

Sometimes I wonder what the point is in encouraging our daughters to do their very best at school and pursue fulfilling careers if the expectation is that they give it all up once they meet a man and pop out a few babies. Shouldn't we be telling them from age 5 that there's no point in women being ambitious so they might as well relax and focus on being pretty so they can find a man?

The lack of knowledge of other people’s lives is staggering. As if all the mums who work spend their wages exclusively on luxuries.

Neither me nor DP can afford the mortgage and bills alone. We both earn ordinary wages. Me just above average, him a fair bit below. Even on his wage we clear 600 a month after childcare fees so almost no one is truly better off financially by not working.

My son is 17 months old and absolutely thriving. He’s well adjusted, happy, affectionate, and a calm little boy.

Babies are far far more likely to be harmed by someone you know and trust than a childcare professional.

Same here - neither DH or I have ever financially needed to work but have been to Uni and studied for post grad qualifications so that we could progress with worthwhile careers - DH a doctor and me a corporate finance Director.

DT’s have had a great childhood, schooling and Uni experience and we’re now proud parents of young adults in their graduate careers.

Looking back I wouldn’t have done anything differently including the amazing nursery we choose from when DT’s were six months.

You have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t even tell you how ill informed, smug, and frankly unkind this post is.

But just on a purely statistical level- the vast vast majority of child abuse occurs within the home, and/or by family and friends. The same for childhood accidents. STATISTICALLY your child is safest in a childcare setting.

Children who attend early years settings before 3, also start school more developmentally on or above the average line, than their peers

So… what are you going to do with that?

Not everyone has that privilege. I would have loved not going back to work until my little one started school but I had no choice and very little family support.

Makes sense, I’m interested too…

Don’t you think it’s a bit mad that this is how you feel about your kids - and there’s at least an argument that it’s a totally natural or rational way to feel - but you “don’t dare” to say it even to closest friends? Why not? Your feelings are valid too.

You chose what you wanted to do (stay at home with your kids) & you did that even if it meant making various compromises to facilitate it.
Other people want different things but please don’t pretend you didn’t want to stay at home but made some noble sacrifice as it was best for your children. It just makes you sound like a sanctimonious twit.

I’m having a slight wobble about this now. My son has just turned 3 and can talk so that is reassuring but is still a bit hit or miss with the toilet training (despite trying since last year) and I’ve only ever left him with my mum. We don’t have any other family nearby so there’s never been anyone else for childcare. I now feel weird about just going and dropping him off at nursery next week when I don’t know who those people are at all 🙈 The concept of getting in the car and leaving him is just hitting me a bit! Would feel much better if he was confidently going to the toilet by himself.

A lot of my friends use a nursery for their little one’s from age 1 or just before and I’ve always been encouraging when speaking to them (they have no choice obviously) but inside I’ve been thinking there is no way I could do that. My cousin’s baby has started nursery and cried all day they said 😢 They were honest and told her this but I think that just makes it even harder. I take my hat off to people able to drop them off with strangers when they can’t talk properly

I was very privileged to not need to put DD into nursery until 2 1/2 and DS 21 months. However had I needed to go back to work full time then absolutely they would have gone in once my maternity ended. Yes staff are strangers initially but over time we got to all know each other and they are just humans at the end of the day.

I feel like this post is very judgemental towards people who have to go back to work full time. Would life be wonderful if we returned to the 1959's where women were expected to stay at home and raise the children whilst Albert earned the dosh to pay for everything.... Not

I see that you suffered abuse as a child, sorry to hear that. However speech is not the way of making abuse known.

Is this a stealth working mums bashing thread?

God, how tedious.

I'm very happy for you that you don't need a second income to pay the mortgage/have grandparents on hand to provide childcare.

You realise jobs don’t just go on hold for 3 years? VERY often working during those years despite not being better off at the end of the month, is so when this incredibly expensive period ends, there are jobs to go back to, that people (by and large, women) can continue to climb up their career ladder. Employers don’t just go “oh you’re off for 3 years? See you when you’re back”. There isn’t a job to go back to.

And so what if they prefer a break? So what if they WANT to work ad WANT to climb the career ladder. You made the decision that you felt was right for your child, others do the same. Judgment is SO unnecessary

Yes, to anyone saying it’s a choice. Who pays your bills?? Pray tell…

The OP just asked if other people felt the same as her, and couldn’t imagine doing it.

If that makes people feel inferior, they have their own issues going on! It’s just a question. Are we not allowed to ask how people feel about things?

I think the phrasing "I couldn't imagine it" comes across as quite judgemental. Especially when paired with OP's other comments around people not wanting to be around their children. Then add in the faux naivety of the question - do some other people prefer to stay home with their children? Yes, quite obviously they do.

I love the idea that women put babies in nursery or go back to work 'for a break'.

I'm a secondary teacher. There was no let up, ever! Especially when I was teaching teenagers and coming home to toddlers. Same shit, different height.

Or, they chose keeping a roof over their kids head over staying home.

Some of us are in that "squeezed middle" where we earn too much for benefits but not enough to be considered high earners.

And the mortgage rates have gone sky high. Cost of living is ridiculous. So to lose a salary when you're already being squeezed could mean losing your home. Having to move into an area that could mean a worse upbringing for your child. Maybe having to lose the security of owning a home and start renting, which means you could have to move over and over.

Or, they could be choosing to keep independence and not being reliant on their partner. Which is an excellent example to set for their children.

There's any number of reasons that either parent might go to work. Dad's aren't given the same scrutiny as mum's. Why is that?

But all reasons are valid. And shaming parents for providing for their families, or investing in their future, or keeping their mental health in check, is not the way forward.

I bet more parents/step parents/grandparents abuse/neglect DC than nursery workers etc