Page 10 | To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

A2J · 2024-08-20T09:40:03+00:00

As in nursery/childminder etc? I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family. It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents. Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

TheQuietCricket · 20/08/2024 14:16

MrsMurphyIWish · 20/08/2024 10:48

My DC weren’t looked after by strangers. They were looked after by professionals.

I would echo this.

Yes, there were new trainees from time to time but there was an experienced team of trained childcare professionals in which they were getting supervised experience and training. More than that though, the nursery I chose had a fun and happy vibe and staff turnover was very low. I felt lifted myself just chatting with key workers at pick-up at the end of a long work day and I learned so much from them too first time round, many were parents themselves.

I checked out all local forms of childcare well in advance of needing to make a decision as I knew I'd have to go back to work very quickly.

TruthorDie · 20/08/2024 14:15

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 20/08/2024 14:11

I hate these kinds of threads. They perpetuate the innate guilt we all feel as mothers (and women generally) for not being "enough".

My DS adored the wonderful professionals who took care of him from the time he was 8 months old until he left to start school aged 5. They saw his first steps (and cried telling me about it), they were outraged by the idiotic HV who suggested DS was obese at 14 months (very tall and not yet walking), they had a welcome back party for him when we returned from an extended holiday and had clearly missed him terribly.

We still regularly get accosted in local shops by nursery staff who looked after him during his time there and they still make a huge fuss over him. He's nearly 11! Nursery for us was a wonderful, overwhelmingly positive experience and threads like this are so upsetting for mums who need to use childcare to get by.

Yep. My eldest cried the other week as she couldn’t go to nursery as she was sick (was still inside 48 hours since vomiting and diarrhoea so not technically sick but can’t go to nursery). So she must not find it that horrific and traumatizing…

Bentley123 · 20/08/2024 14:15

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

That’s just not true I was at least £600 better off a month working which paid our mortgage- ( I’m in a job that pays 42000 a year and went back 2 long days a week) a lot of people just have to work, don’t make people feel guilty. It is rubbish that some people don’t get to choose but the cost of living is high. plus I get to keep my career for when kids go to school/pension etc (which again I see as quite essential for making life comfortable as I get older!) Our nursery was about £58 a day. And then 20% off tax free.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 20/08/2024 14:11

I hate these kinds of threads. They perpetuate the innate guilt we all feel as mothers (and women generally) for not being "enough".

My DS adored the wonderful professionals who took care of him from the time he was 8 months old until he left to start school aged 5. They saw his first steps (and cried telling me about it), they were outraged by the idiotic HV who suggested DS was obese at 14 months (very tall and not yet walking), they had a welcome back party for him when we returned from an extended holiday and had clearly missed him terribly.

We still regularly get accosted in local shops by nursery staff who looked after him during his time there and they still make a huge fuss over him. He's nearly 11! Nursery for us was a wonderful, overwhelmingly positive experience and threads like this are so upsetting for mums who need to use childcare to get by.

startstopengine · 20/08/2024 14:11

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

Few will point out that long term for women it's actually a great idea to keep your career going. For many reasons.

Namerchangee · 20/08/2024 14:03

I’m sorry that you’ve had some unkind replies on here OP. It’s only natural to be worried about leaving your precious children. I struggled leaving mine in daycare settings but I felt confident that I had researched them thoroughly, visited them and then chose the one I felt comfortable in.

Snowdrop80 · 20/08/2024 14:03

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

You’re wrong. There aren’t “very few people” better off and your post sounds very judgemental. Most of my mum friends send their children age 2 and under to childminders. 2 days per week costs me about 15% of my wages and I have no option other than to work. Not everyone is in your privileged position.

TruthorDie · 20/08/2024 14:01

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

I’m better off even after paying childcare fees. But l have always worked hard and pushed myself. I don’t think it’s fair or helpful expecting my husband to pick up the slack financially all the time. Personally l would rather send messages to my children about working together, co-operation (Dad looks after them a day a week and so do l) and fair division of load. You see it on here all the time mum has done all the childcare, marriage or relationship breaks down, mum struggles to find job and bemoans her derailed career / poor pension contributions etc. My pension is looking really healthy, l have even got a promotion after being back at work after maternity -not even back a year!

Original poster

A2J · 20/08/2024 14:00

@Namechangey23 message mn and ask. Nope.

OP posts:

LunaandLily · 20/08/2024 14:00

Motomum23 · 20/08/2024 11:38

OP you sound like a fabulous parent - unfortunately data post lockdown shows that preschool aged children suffered from a lack of parenting input in general - slower talkers, slower to potty train.
I'm a childminder - and a home educator - I've never had to leave my kids with someone else so I'm on the other side of the fence. What I will say is all my parents say that their little ones (2 +) go past my house wanting to go in at the weekends, they all go away with a huge cuddle and arrive the same way. Some people want to leave their kids and some have no choice but all the kids are cherished, cuddled to sleep when needed, sit all day on my knee if needed. Your childcare provider is only a stranger for a short time - and sadly the abuse you suffered as a child was by someone your parents thought they knew (if I'm reading your post correctly).

OP, you don’t sound like a fabulous parent. You sound like one who will teach her children to be frightened of the world, and no doubt you’ll berate any daughters you have if they choose to have careers. I don’t know anyone like you, thank goodness.

Namechangey23 · 20/08/2024 13:57

Anyone else wondering if @@PPD@A2J and @HJA87 are really all the same person or AI? It's not a typically human response to a username...

Spiceeee23456 · 20/08/2024 13:55

Your post is genuine and I can understand why you have concerns, having been a victim of abuse. You take care of you and yours. X

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 13:54

Tarantella6 · 20/08/2024 13:41

It is funny. I think I put far less time and effort into my career than any of the judgemental posters above do judging other people / worrying what other people think of them / justifying every little decision they make / comparing themselves to other people.

Put all of that mental energy into your dcs and just forget about what everyone else is doing. It doesn't matter.

Maybe we do put all of that energy into our DCs, but then someone comes along with a judgemental view of why we also work and it pisses us off.

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 13:52

My children went to nursery from a few months old (Mat leave being what it was back then) They were in a fabulous nursery that gave them a great experience and another dimension alongside everything dh and I did. Those 3 children are now happy well adjusted adults who have a great relationship with dh and me. Plus dh and I both have uninterrupted careers.

What's not to like?!

dbeuowlxb173939 · 20/08/2024 13:48

I just had to really, I don't think a nursery that's inspected and regulated counts as leaving your child with strangers

ElaineMBenes · 20/08/2024 13:48

Confusionn · 20/08/2024 10:53

My dd has just started nursery at 3years and 4 months old. This is absolutely the right age. I could explain to her what was happening and she fully understood and also I can ask her about her day and she replies, and most importantly I ask her if she wants to go back and she says yes.
None of those things are possible before the age of 3. Babies in nurseries are a huge no no for me, and before anyone wheels out the "I have got to work" card there are very few people that are actually better off after paying the astronomical childcare fees. Few will admit they just prefer the break.

Wow! What a judgemental post.

i didn't need to work...but i wanted to. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Namechangey23 · 20/08/2024 13:47

A2J · 20/08/2024 13:28

@MsCactus mine both have good jobs. Much better than mine. I work and have lots of hobbies. But I have seen what you mentioned. You should never live your life totally around dcs. I was probably over protective when mine were babies? I have just been reflecting and wondering about the past a lot. Mainly because of circumstances to do with other family but nothing I'd post here.

So I read from this you are being judgemental of a woman in your family who chooses to work with a young child when you didn't? Perhaps you didn't really choose not to work...perhaps societal expectations and lack of good childcare is really what caused your decision to be a SAHM? Or as you say being over protective and not trusting anyone else to look after your children. How would you feel if your own children gave up their good jobs to look after their children for 5 years and would you encourage them to do that? Will you be helping them with childcare of any future DGC?

TruthorDie · 20/08/2024 13:46

lolly792 · 20/08/2024 13:34

So he's ok now despite being looked after by au pairs? Or despite being an 'accident'?

Honestly, you started off with a nasty goady OP and are digging the hole deeper the more you write.

Agreed. It was a nasty, goody and snug post from the off. But is somehow going rvdn lower

DonutHole · 20/08/2024 13:44

HJA87 · 20/08/2024 13:36

There are so many studies that show that children who begin formal education later in life do much better than their peers. Home with primary caregiver until 3 is best. School should start no earlier than 6/7 like it does in majority of other countries. Introducing free hours from 9 months does not help the situation by normalising leaving such tiny babies in childcare. Sadly the UK government can’t wait to get parents back to work and raise future worker bees as soon as possible.

There is also a recruitment crisis so nurseries basically hire anyone with a pulse. My eldest attended nursery for a few months before I came to my senses and realised all of the above. People say it’s because they can’t afford not to work but also then also say they have like £10 left after paying for nursery. What is the point? People also don’t want to sacrifice and live in smaller homes etc so plan things like home purchase based on 2 people working full time which means they are then trapped.

Show quote history

The point is that it allowed me to continue to build my career, which was incredibly beneficial to my children in the long run. By the time I had my kids, I'd reached a level of seniority which allowed me flexibility, which was invaluable when the kids were young. If I had quit, I would have had to find another, less senior role and do the whole working evenings and weekends thing all over again.

Tarantella6 · 20/08/2024 13:41

It is funny. I think I put far less time and effort into my career than any of the judgemental posters above do judging other people / worrying what other people think of them / justifying every little decision they make / comparing themselves to other people.

Put all of that mental energy into your dcs and just forget about what everyone else is doing. It doesn't matter.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/08/2024 13:40

HJA87 · 20/08/2024 13:36

There are so many studies that show that children who begin formal education later in life do much better than their peers. Home with primary caregiver until 3 is best. School should start no earlier than 6/7 like it does in majority of other countries. Introducing free hours from 9 months does not help the situation by normalising leaving such tiny babies in childcare. Sadly the UK government can’t wait to get parents back to work and raise future worker bees as soon as possible.

There is also a recruitment crisis so nurseries basically hire anyone with a pulse. My eldest attended nursery for a few months before I came to my senses and realised all of the above. People say it’s because they can’t afford not to work but also then also say they have like £10 left after paying for nursery. What is the point? People also don’t want to sacrifice and live in smaller homes etc so plan things like home purchase based on 2 people working full time which means they are then trapped.

Show quote history

Or, some women (let's not pretend otherwise) are smart enough to know that staying in work, whether it's £10 left after or more, is them investing in their future.

MeinKraft · 20/08/2024 13:39

PPD · 20/08/2024 12:57

I’m having a slight wobble about this now. My son has just turned 3 and can talk so that is reassuring but is still a bit hit or miss with the toilet training (despite trying since last year) and I’ve only ever left him with my mum. We don’t have any other family nearby so there’s never been anyone else for childcare. I now feel weird about just going and dropping him off at nursery next week when I don’t know who those people are at all 🙈 The concept of getting in the car and leaving him is just hitting me a bit! Would feel much better if he was confidently going to the toilet by himself.

A lot of my friends use a nursery for their little one’s from age 1 or just before and I’ve always been encouraging when speaking to them (they have no choice obviously) but inside I’ve been thinking there is no way I could do that. My cousin’s baby has started nursery and cried all day they said 😢 They were honest and told her this but I think that just makes it even harder. I take my hat off to people able to drop them off with strangers when they can’t talk properly

You'll get into the car and cry for ten minutes then you'll feel amazingly free takes a while to get used to but it feels great knowing they're off with other kids their own age doing little activities and being fed healthy meals and snacks and you have a few hours to be you again.

Fundays12 · 20/08/2024 13:39

A bit judgemental and I say this as a parent who works very part time hours now in term time (kids all in school).

DC2 went a fabulous childminder at 9 months because the mortgage and council tax didn't pay itself nor did food appear to feed them without me and dh working to buy it. The childminder was great and DC2 thrived in her care.

DC3 came along and started going the same wonderful childminder as DC2 had went to because it had become very obvious by then that DC1 had very complex additional support needs. These needs meant I had weekly sometimes twice weekly professional, school and medical appointments so me and DH felt it was better that DC3 spent this time in the care of a professional who took him to baby and toddler groups and doted on him.

DC3 adored the childminder as had DC2. He was very ready for pre school nursery and is very confident, social and comfortable with other kids. The only other option we had was leave him with a grandparent who favoured one grandchild (not mine), at the time spent all her time telling us on front of our life how much better, smarter etc this child was and who actually wasn't fit to care for kids.

HJA87 · 20/08/2024 13:36

FloatyBoaty · 20/08/2024 12:58

You have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t even tell you how ill informed, smug, and frankly unkind this post is.

But just on a purely statistical level- the vast vast majority of child abuse occurs within the home, and/or by family and friends. The same for childhood accidents. STATISTICALLY your child is safest in a childcare setting.

Children who attend early years settings before 3, also start school more developmentally on or above the average line, than their peers

So… what are you going to do with that?

Show quote history

There are so many studies that show that children who begin formal education later in life do much better than their peers. Home with primary caregiver until 3 is best. School should start no earlier than 6/7 like it does in majority of other countries. Introducing free hours from 9 months does not help the situation by normalising leaving such tiny babies in childcare. Sadly the UK government can’t wait to get parents back to work and raise future worker bees as soon as possible.

There is also a recruitment crisis so nurseries basically hire anyone with a pulse. My eldest attended nursery for a few months before I came to my senses and realised all of the above. People say it’s because they can’t afford not to work but also then also say they have like £10 left after paying for nursery. What is the point? People also don’t want to sacrifice and live in smaller homes etc so plan things like home purchase based on 2 people working full time which means they are then trapped.

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lolly792 · 20/08/2024 13:34

So he's ok now despite being looked after by au pairs? Or despite being an 'accident'?

Honestly, you started off with a nasty goady OP and are digging the hole deeper the more you write.