Golf holiday 6 weeks after new baby arrives

My husband had a holiday booked and fully paid for, we then found out our daughter would be coming home and he would be away on her ninth week home. He immediately cancelled his holiday, not only did he think it wasn’t appropriate to leave me with both children on my own, as a parent he didn’t want to miss an entire week of his daughters life at such a young age.

Does your midwife know how much you’re struggling?

Why invite mum rather than dad?

Very selfish on his behalf, what did he think would happen when he had kids. Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me, putting his own needs before his wife and family

I ended up divorced after 9 years OP due to a guy like this who expected to go to football every weekend, 2 or 3 evenings a week at pub with mates etc , basically expected to carry on with life exactly as before - plenty of friends and hobby's whilst actually got into a frump if I had the odd evening out every few months and seemed to think it was 'a favour' -

As it was booked before you were pregnant not much you can do unless it's not paid for or he's prepared to just forgo it- I would let it go- however I would look at the other aspects and set boundaries of what you think is fair including time for yourself -

He booked a holiday before you knew you were pregnant so let's not assume that he did it on purpose. I think making him cancel the holiday is not really going to improve your relationship. You can't make someone care.
No, you shouldn't be making sacrifices to support his priorities. It would be lovely if he prioritised the family but he just doesn't. I honestly don't think forbidding him from going on holiday is going to result in the outcome you want.
You need to decide whether the relationship is workable together. Have a calm discussion and clearly set how you want this "priorotising" to look like. I.e. family time two weekends a months, then each of you having one weekend to spend with own friends while the other is doing childcare. Or whatever...
If it is workable and you both agree - great. If it isn't then you might just have to accept that the relationship has run its course.

I don't think the holiday is the issue here I think there is more going on this has just brought everything into a clearer perspective.

The holiday was booked pre pregnancy so it's not an intentional thing. Just bad timing. Can only assume it wasn't planned.

The bigger issue is your relationship. It doesn't sound like he's making that his priority. He has time and money for friends but not for you or his family. You say money is tight but yet he's out with friends, do you have joint accounts or does he have more free cash etc?

I think you both need to sit down together and talk. This needs to be a very open discussion, not a blame game. To me it sounds like he had very different viewpoints to you. Be clear about what you need from him but don't be demanding. Maybe golf at the weekends and one night out. Plan family nights the rest of the time or date nights when you can get a babysitter. If he can't give you what you need then the bigger question is, is the relationship working. Also be prepared for answers you might not like.

Get yourself out to baby and toddler groups and try to make new friends.

For me the holiday would just be something I would accept and let go of. If I needed help then I would either get a parent/friend/relative to stay or go stay with them. I think though going forward things need to change for everything to work. It might be worth speaking to your midwife about how you're feeling. Speak to close friends and family too.

I wouldn't have been happy with this, remember with toddlers there can be sleep regression following a new baby. It was a two man job for a few months for us at that age, as they tag teamed, and also I just found it really really hard going from one,where you can focus on their needs, nap etc, to two. Other people find it fine but I really needed someone there.

Seeing friends is important but

• so is prioritising your family when they really need you
• he can see them without going on a golf holiday
• he can find other ways to prioritise his mental health without dumping his wife in the shit with a newborn ans toddler when she is still recovering from birth
• he can't prioritise his mental health at the expense of yours. Would he really be ok with looking after a toddler and newborn while you went on holiday? Really?

Having young kids is hard and relentless and your social life suffers for a while but you get it back later. That's a pretty much established fact

As one of the issues you mentioned was money troubles it seems incredibly selfish of him to spend money on a week long holiday just for himself when the money could have been used for a short family break.

He isn’t even apologetic about leaving you alone with 2 children as apparently his mental health is more important than that of the person having full caring responsibility for those children during that week,

I think there are conversations to be had, and unless he is willing to consider others more than himself the future looks less than optimistic.

On a practical note mothers often have amazing capabilities and you are likely to cope just fine without him for that week. It might be good practise in case you separate.

I am sorry you are upset at what should be such a happy time.

This comment reminds me of something someone said to me at work the other day. I got invited to an event at the weekend and I said I couldn't go as my husband was working away and they said 'just ask your mum to have the kids of a few hours'

My mum had Korsakoffs disease and lives 300 miles away. Doubt she'd be available.

Don't assume everyone has family who are willing and/ or able to support.

It's not so much the holiday IMO as it was booked before you became pregnant. And presumably he'd be back at work mon-fri that week. But it's his complete disregard to how you feel about the relationship and the lack of effort for date nights that would annoy me.

Would he be happy to have both kids next summer whilst you go away for a week? It has to be fair.

I'd straight up leave my husband if he went on a golfing holiday 6 weeks after I'd had his baby.
Idgaf what these women say on here.. I think they've forgotten what it's like having a newborn and how hard it can be
You might still not even be able to stand up if it's been a hard birth.
It makes me so angry. These men just impregnating you and swanning off.
I just had my 3rd and she's 6 months. My DH wanted to go on a long weekend with his mates and I went nuts about it. I've said a night out is fine and he can stay over... but no way in Hell is he leaving me for a long weekend with 3 young kids alone. He can say 'oh you can have the same' but I won't have the same because I'd never leave a 6 month old breastfed baby for a long weekend.
A night out yeah... but not a holiday.
And who would leave a 6 week old for a holiday? Not most women. So why do the dads get to?
He can fuck off imo.
I'm sorry to be full of rage but I'd genuinely rather be a single parent than put up with this nonsense because I'd be less resentful.

I think he is telling you quite clearly where his priorities lie. He wants to live the life of a single man. He doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent
.
If he is telling you he feels resentful of you when you are carrying his child I think that makes him a poor bet as a safe and trustworthy and loving partner.

A week's holiday abroad with the boys when your partner has expressed their concerns about caring for a 6-week-old and toddler on their own.

What would you tell a friend if her partner did that to her? I'd be telling her to start making an exit plan because she is worth more than that.

And tbh, everyone saying the trip was pre booked... so? If you had a pre booked girls holiday you wouldn't be able to go. Yeah he might lose some money, but you would if it was you in the scenario. You BOTH had a child.

I don’t know really. My husband went skiing with his friends a few weeks after my son’s birth. I had two other little ones as well. My bestie came over and stayed. I wasn’t too bothered TBH .

Nope. He's prioritising his fun time over the reality of being a parent. When do you get a week away from the kids? I highly doubt you do ...I have a 3yo and 9mo , honestly two is hard. My husband has been away a couple of times for work since having two, but only when he has to, never for pleasure always for work, only for 2 nights max, and not when they were 6 weeks! I think he first went away for a night when baby was 4mo. I haven't said he can't, it's just a given because we're both parents and I can't get away (breastfeeding) so he can't either.

What if you need a c-sec and don't recover easily? That's too much, and I'm actually furious for you.

I think you’re focusing on this one trip rather than maybe what the actual issue it.

As the trip was booked pre-pregnancy I would just get family/friends to chip in to help while be is gone and let him go and have his week away. He will be all the better for having had that.

In general though you do need to speak to him about how you feel the relationship is in general, and how you can both work to improve things.

For what it’s worth though I also don’t think seeing friends once every 2 weeks is “more than enough”, it’s so important to have that time for yourself (both of you) for your mental healthy, both DH and I see our friends every week and are all the better partners and parents for having that time.

Would he have been able to get a full refund on the holiday? If not then YABU about that. Can you not invite someone else to stay and help you?

Regarding your relationship then perhaps suggest one night a week/fortnight as date night where you take it in turns to organise what you eat/do.

I think carrying a baby and the toll it takes on your body means a total change to your life whereas a lot of men seem to think they're provided their sperm so can go back go life as it was before and feel hard done by of they can't.

Your OH needs to grow up!

You should also arrange something you can do at weekends and leave him with the two kids.

I would make a new male friend and invite him over for drinks in the evenings to keep you company while dh is away.
You mind find he changes his mind about the trip and wants to be at home instead.

Try to show him exactly how much free time/socialising time he gets compared to you and ask him to justify why he should get so much more than you.
That helped make my husband see things a bit clearer, men definitely seem to struggle with the loss of their own time & freedom more than women and they don't see things in a 'fair' way in my experience, they will swear its all equal until you can show them the hard proof that it is in fact not.
This situation would irritate me to no end as well, prioritising friends over your relationship is an issue that needs resolving but its so hard when you're in the trenches of surviving raising young children.
Your baby could also be late and therefore be even younger when he travels, there could be health complications for you or baby, I wouldn't be comfortable at all with my partner travelling so soon after I had a baby as there's so much uncertainty in how you'll cope.

@ChunkyPanda some people don’t have a Mum, or their Mum is not supportive, or she is unwell. Why would you assume that she has a healthy available Mum when OP said nothing about it?

I agree with this. The lads holiday is shitty in itself purely due to the timing but it’s part of a much bigger problem that’s not going to be solved by OP calling her mother to come help for a week while the father to her young toddler and newborn has checked out of parenting so that he come home “relaxed and rested” to a wife who is anything but and a MIL who no doubt thinks he’s a selfish arse.

It really depends on the relationship dynamics, my husband wouldn't dream of going away without the family but that's because he only gets a few weeks a year and family time is important to him.
Having said that he doesn't really see his friends often so they would never be his priority.

Also we make decisions as a couple and discuss things so if I had expressed I would prefer him not to go especially with the relationship not being in the best place he would stay and focus on that not because I'd expect him to but because it would be important to him to work on the relationship and he'd prioritise that.