To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

yanbu to be upset. I will say that 10 is a difficult age for boys and girls who are best friends because girls puberty and social pressures mean that girls start to see boys as too different to be friends with. It’s the start of girl cliques and girls start to be incredibly mean to girls that don’t conform to being in a girl clique and othering boys. Yes they will hang out with boys, but it’s more about experimenting at being a teenager and role playing the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. A girl that is friends with a boy or boys is often teased and called either a weirdo or a slut.

It is very sad for your DS, but at least you can reassure him that the friendship didn’t end due to anything he did. I know it is hurtful because it is literally because he is a boy that she has stopped being his friend.

Let him know this doesn’t mean other friendships are doomed.

No advice, but this why I have stopped making friends through my kids. It inevitably happens.

That all sounds unpleasant and stressful. I had something not disimilar at primary and I was on edge for ages at pick up etc. your dc is going into year 6 so not that much longer at the school? Unfortunately you have to tough it out. My DS had some mild bullying at school and I was at my wit’s end trying to sort it, school were trying but it was very subtle. Eventually my DS learnt that ignoring and not caring solved it. A life lesson. Just hang in there and also can your DC meet some new children in our of school activities. This too shall pass.

Its not easy when it happens, but its a good opportunity to begin the groundwork for healthy friendships and relationships in the future.

It happened DS. One of his trio started picking on the other more than DS.The bulky had always had a spoiled/ mean streak that many younger kids do but mature out of by about 7 or so. Finally the victim had enough of the picking on him and cooled the friendship but DS was also cooled on by default and was hurt.

So helping DS figure out what was going on, and what he wanted to do was our job. A year on he and the nice boy are in a new friendship group. Bully has found other friends. Because we didn't confront the parent or get the school involved there was no falling out, just a gradual phasing out.

No parent is going to take it well when another accuses their little darling of being a little shit. So I and other mum figured that if bully's mum was curious about the change in friendship she would ask us. She hasn't but I still chat to her when I see her.

It was important for DS to learn when a friendship ran its course, how to navigate that, how to try to solve the issue but also learn that if someone is hurtful, it's OK to walk away.

Neither of them were good friends, unfortunately, especially not the mother!

What a really horrible way to find that out.

If I could go back in time to advise myself I'd say not to overly engage in adults who encourage "Bestie" type relationships as they are possibly a bit neurotic - same goes for parents trying to label the kids as boyfriends and girlfriends - alarm bells that thye are unhinged in my opinion.

I had this with an parent referring to her dc and mine as bff's from about age 5. Thankfully this wasnt in school, but as neighbours so it's not had as big of an impact as your situation.

What I did at school though is encourage friendships with all the class boys and girls and this has been done by developing a wide range of interests, I'd suggest this.

Is your son friendly with other children in the class or do you think this has been neglected if all his eggs have been in one basket with Mia as such?

Does he have a wide variety of interests to discuss with his peers like:

• a sport,
• a social club like scouting,
• gaming experience to be regarded as a valuable team member in online gaming like minecraft, roblox or fortnite - is he setup for online gaming with his classmates on ps or xbox so he can join party chats, we used to have xbox but got ps as that the most popular console in the class and they all enjoy a chat on there while gaming.
• pokemon cards,
• football stickers,
• up to date with latest netflix movies or TV shows,
• up to date with popular series of books that are popular in class

• these seem like the most common off the top of my head to find an in with most kids, girls and boys.

Also if the other kids are wearing skateboarding clothing, are you fortunate to live near an indoor skatepark, is that something that is popular with classmates, normally these places have lessons, maybe that's a new hobby he could try :)

Also, just to share my own anecdote, I had a best friend ages 6-12, and she also abandoned me to be ‘cool’ in her teenage years.

We reconnected somewhat in 6th form, and kept in sporadic but fairly distant contact through uni.

By our 20s I had matured and grown up, and she had got over her need to be cool above all else. We found ourselves living in the same city and became close friends again. We are now in our 40s and I’m sure will be friends for life.

You never know. It may blow over yet.

This.

Mia's behaviour sounds like adolescence kicking in, she obviously thinks of herself as a bit of a queen bee and longer wants to be seen hanging around with DS.

Teacher obviously saw what was going on but handled it badly, her mum doesn't want to accept that her princess ever does wrong.

You can't always explain why people change like this, and it's probably not the last time your DS will experience this type of rejection. Mumsnet is infested with stories like this well into adulthood.

Just reassure him he hasn't done anything wrong and that some people are just odd, and sometimes horrible. It's all part of growing up I'm afraid.

This!

You also should have spoken to the class teacher much sooner. I would always talk to a class teacher before another parent.

Because of the way the teacher handled it (very well imo) it makes me wonder if you’re not the first parent to approach her about Mia’s behaviour

It’s normal for friendships to change at this age and children can be very brutal about it.

As for Mia’s mum, I have to say she doesn’t sound like she was ever really a true friend, if she turned against you in this way, and maybe it’s better not to have childish friends in any case. The mature adult way to handle these things is to keep the adult relationship respectful and lines of communication open. She has behaved like a 10 year old herself in this case.

It hurts, but it’s probably for the best in all honesty.

exactly what @Pomegranatecarnage says.

Happened to DD too with her "best friend" over a couple of years who decided to throw her under the bus as the cool kids let the girl know that she couldn't be with the cool kids if she was friends with DD.

They seem to have had a lovely time together in the early years but it's time to move on. It's a good teaching moment, people who do what is right are often in the minority while many people sadly don't stand up for what is right and throw principles and morals over board to be "popular", cool or successful.

Tell him it is sad she has changed and wants to be cool now but that it is for the best and time for him to move on and find better friends. DD had a tough year when it happened but has several lovely new friends now and is happy.

@WiseOwl24 The problem here is not Mia or your DS. Kids go through phases of being friends then enemies so I wouldn’t worry too much on that one.

The problem here is Mia’s mother. She should be an adult. Talk to Mia one on one and get to the bottom of it not acting like Mia could do no wrong. She is the problem and I think you are better off without her friendship tbh.

You can't fully believe your son though. You said to the mum and teacher "she said" You weren't there.

I always go with "dd said, xxxx said."

I assume they are in year 6? She will be wanting to get a friendship group ready for y7.

Does your son have any male friends? Can you encourage him to hang around with new people ready for next September?

The fall out is unfortunately normal especially as puberty starts. What’s a shame is what happened between you two mums and it seems like both of you were on the offensive very quickly. I’d give it a bit of time and just try to be civil until the anger all passes. And definitely looking at finding other friendships.

Yeah, same, even down to the words used.

Neither of the families are hearing an unbiased account of whats been happening.
You cant make Mia be friends with DS.
Best bet imo is to support him to move on and make new friends instead. Its horrible to see them upset when friendships change or a friend is just downright mean, but both parties ate just children with very little emotional/relationship skilks.

Sorry this has happened to you but the fact that you and your DS are having parallel experiences means you can show him how to deal with it - “a shame we aren’t all friends anymore but I’m glad we found out that it wasn’t much of a friendship after all, let’s not dwell on it and move on. Do you think xx would like to meet up sometime?”

There will be future dramas with this child so you really are better out of it - don’t engage, show your DS you are surprised how both of them have behaved but chalk it up to experience and find other friends.

You can't explain.
Just have to say it looks like she's changed and it's really sad.
It is really sad ☹️

I would be grateful I was rid of these horrible people. Tell your son that times change and people change and the right people stick around. She is obviously a 'princess' and fancies herself with the cool crowd. Tell him to ignore her too. I had a similar incident at school and the boy concerned turned out in life to be a complete failure and jerk. It upset me at the time but when you look at me now and him, I know who I would rather be.

This is so odd. I feel like I have read this exact post before!

Friends change through childhood, and boy/girl friendships often become strained at puberty especially. As for the adult situation, I'm guessing that the other mum wasn't putting as much attachment to the friendship as you.

Parents often have situational friendships because of the children but they don't last once the children leave school / change friendship group / move. I had "good friends" where I used to live but once I moved they fizzled, it's normal even without any drama

You are not getting the full story, Mias mum is not getting the full story, friendship has ended, let it go.

I feel for you. It still happens when the kids are doing GCSEs and a levels so the best thing to do is foster resilience in your son and help him make new friends in school and out of school. Clubs at 13 outside school were our families saving grace when the popular bully set her eyes on my children. There was huge friendship implosion at 16 as well which was horrid to see and while most of the mums stayed out of it one of the mums turned out to be slightly unhinged. My advice here is: yoj won't get anywhere blaming another parent or laying into them for their child's behaviour. The vast majority of parents will get defensive and hate you if you do which is why it's always a good move to leave it to the kids or in extremisis the teacher to sort out. I've got through 15 years of nursery and schooling with only three mum friends staying the course. My kids have learned a lot about character though - particularly the weak kids who are too scared to cross or contradict the popular girl so will only talk or be friends when she isn't looking.
Hopefully a new school at 11 will be a good opportunity for your son to reset.

At this age, children are working out who they are and who they want to be. They often end their boy girl friendships for fear of being teased, and just join girl/boy groups.

Unfortunately Mia has got there before your son and has ditched him in the only way she knows how- being mean. She may even have been pressured by the other girls.

It isn’t about him, it’s about her. She is allowed to grow up and want different friends.

I think you failed him in fighting for the friendship rather than helping him let it go and move on.