To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

To be honest your post is strange. You know why they’re not speaking to you both - it’s in your post!

The teacher told mia off - she’s following instructions by not speaking to your son.

Her mum is obviously aware, she’s avoiding you to prevent any further issues.

Obviously speaking to the school about this was the nuclear option, so it’s completely understandable that the friendship is past the point of return. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone to the school, but the end result was foreseeable and it’s silly to ask why you lost friends once the dust has settled. It’s like expecting your ex mate to be friends with you after you report them to the police. Part of being content with your decision is accepting they won’t be in your lives (and good riddance surely?)

In terms of the initial fall out, again you’ve said why in your posts. Your son appears to be uncool/not popular, he’s “very much a child” as you say. He’s probably more similar to his primary school self whereas his peers are going through puberty and are mini teenagers. I’m in my 20s and that was normal when I was in school a few years ago. It sounds like they’ve grown into different people and mia felt she outgrew him.

Time to focus energy on new friendships, for both of you.

Dont waste another moment on Why Mia turned toxic. Likely she will do the same to others which will result in her either:

1. being popular because she is soo scary
2. being unpopular because she is so scary

Feel justified that school is aware and put the blame squarely on her. Other parents will be aware, but might not appear to choose sides, or sided with scary girl for their own selfish reasons.

Tell your son that it isn’t his fault. Mia is responsible for her behavior, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe role play or talk through how he can respond to her calmly, or ignore her.

As the parent of a teenager I can unfortunately confirm that that sort of thing is very common and continues well into adolescence. My DS is friends with some nice kids, but bloody hell the way they treat each other, turn against each other, and talk behind each other's backs is dreadful! I try not to get caught up in the drama and offer an adult perspective without being judgemental. I know I did some shitty stuff when I was a teen too. The most important thing is that my DS knows I have his back, no matter how friendships may come and go.

My DS was dropped suddenly by his best friend from school who just refused to hang out any longer all of a sudden, no explanation. It's hard. I asked his DM, who was, and still is, a good friend of mine if my DS had done anything that might have upset his friend. She said not and DS couldn't think of anything he had done. Eventually I decided this boy must just be going through some stuff. DS never felt that it was a reflection on him and would be friends in the future if the other boy wanted to be.

I think it would be good if your DS adopted a similar attitude, knowing that it's not anything he did. Mia is just going through some stuff. When a previously nice girl starts saying unkind things it's usually an indication of some sort of inner stress. Not that your DS should hang around mournfully waiting for her to come to her senses. He should get on with his own life.

@WiseOwl24 sounds to me like it's hormone related and trying to fit in with some "cooler" girls, no doubt being teased about having a best friend who is a boy.

The mum on the other hand seems to be quite rude - her daughter is clearly lying to her, but the way she handled it, accusing your son of lying, then calling her daughter straight over was awful. It's not the sort of person I'd want as a friend so I'd just accept she wasn't the person you thought she was and move on. Hopefully karma will strike and Mia will turn into a complete hormonal nightmare for her to deal with! 😂

Just tell your son that hormones mean that a girls mood can change, and perhaps what she needs right now are other girls to talk to who understand the changes.

Wow. You should be glad to be rid of them both. Hurt feelings here but you need to toughen up and move on for your DS's sake. Reassuring your DS is what you should be doing. Tell him, without being emotional, that friendships grow and change sometimes as people do. Tell your son it's not his fault, and start by getting him into some activities maybe where he can make new friends.

I'm sorry your ds experienced this. It's understandable confusing and hurtful. It is good to hear that the teacher came down hard on it. Mia's Mum behaved deplorably - sadly some people really can't handle any situation in which their DC isn't perfect and can't see that all kids are still learning (including our own) and need guidance sometimes. Mia may have been ready to move on or expand friendships and needed her Mum's help to learn how to do that without being hurtful, spiteful etc. Maybe she wanted different friends and just didn't know how to tell your ds she wanted to hang out with someone else. How she did it was appalling and sadly very common at this age...

I have noticed among my dc's friends the one's who had a serious/strong/family like 'bestie' with friendships emerging with families that are close as opposed to just friendly, they have experienced far more drama in their friendships and far more upset between parents. Not saying what you did was wrong at all @WiseOwl24 more just that sadly this is common as friendships change as many many parents are situational friends - keep strong friendship with dc's bestie's family so that my DC always has someone. Once the friendships change, they can't use you anymore. Mia's Mum showed her true colours as to who she is and how she handles conflict. It isn't good.

Hoping your ds can develop some good friendships with a range of other DC and in time this won't feel quite so raw.

It's really hard for you both and sounds really upsetting. I think you have to find a way to accept it and move on. Hopefully they will be in different classes and schools in the future. I don't think it's a good idea to get kids that close to each other and try and have a few people rather than an intense friendship as it usually ends In tears when kids develop and change and this age is about that time especially for girls. Just keep reassuring him it's nothing he has done and try and take his mind off it and have new friends over

Had something similarly with DS. Best friends for a couple of years and then friend wanted to be with the cool guys and started putting DC down. Friend's mum said that sometimes my DC had used swear words at school. Off topic completely but the mum had to justify her son's behaviour because he can do no wrong in her eyes. Luckily DS has other friends but he was very hurt by exfriend's behaviour.

At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".

Actually I think that's fairly good response it's what DD1 secondary did when it was still a good school - that was also being bullying outside school - and they came down on it like a ton of bricks - stopped it but yes friendship never came back. DD1 move on to a better group of friends soem of who have lasted.

One thing I would say is get him involved in outside clubs if you can - so if things are hard friendship wise in school they know it's not them - cubs good for this but anything really.

Friendship with other mother sound more one of convenience anyway and another year with them at secondary would be petering out anyway.

This happened to DS a few years ago.
He was best friends with a girl from nursery and all throughout primary. The girl didn’t have any girl friends in school despite her mums best efforts of organising play dates with them - the girl always gravitated back to DS.
In year 6 when the mother discovered they would be going to the same secondary school told her DD to stop being friends with DS, the girl was so nasty and the school knew it was coming from the mother.
DS has ASD and the reason why they gravitated together was because they were so similar. The girls mother didn’t want her DD to be with DS in secondary, I felt they needed to explore other friendships but I was going to ask for them to be in separate forms in secondary before the nastiness even started.

I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks.

The teacher's interest wouldn't be to preserve the friendship when it's clear that it's not working. (It's natural that your son misses Mia specifically and misses having his old best friend - but would he even have fun hanging out with her given that her new interests are so different from his?) The teacher's job is to stop the damaging behaviour - Mia's bullying of your son - and it sounds like that HAS stopped.

I'd take that as a foundation to get your son to seek out or at least be open to new friends - maybe a hobby group, or a sport, if he's not making friends on his own? There may be some great kids at school or in your neighborhood or community who share his interests and level of maturity and enjoy the same kinds of activities but he hasn't really got to know them because of spending so much time with Mia. This may be a good time to remind him that we can't control other people's behaviour, only our own, and no one knows what Mia's thinking unless she wants to share that. Encourage him to be polite to her, but not to wait around for her to change back or apologise or explain her behaviour.

I'm over cautious, but I never put my eggs in one basket with relationships, these types of fallouts are very common where mums become close because the kids are and the kids end up falling out. I've never been one to be besties with neighbours or workmates either. If a relationship goes south, it's always best to not be too enmeshed in each other's lives! The mum friends I get on best with are those who I first met at local playgroup and our kids are all either in the year above/below or at different schools. Our kids are friendly with each other and there's less competitiveness or drama all round.
Your poor son for this to happen to him. This girl sounds rather unpleasant and I agree with posters that although it's tough for him right now, it's ultimately for the best that she has shown her true colours. It's also very good that the teacher has dealt with the nastiness so swiftly!

Why should OP need to build bridges? She's done nothing wrong but try to resolve a situation that the other mum didn't want to resolve. You have to have boundaries and self respect, showing this to your child too.

Sorry your son has been through this but it sounds like the dynamics of the relationship between you and Mia's mum may have not helped. I have seen situations when the parents become friends because the kids were then the kids outgrow each other and the situation implodes.

My son went to primary with kids who were "friends". The reality was they didn't like each other much in later primary years, 4 out of the 5 of the kids were the school bullies and very disliked by most of the rest of the school kids but the mums friendship meant the kids had to be friends. They arranged days out, pick up and drop of togethers, activities together, nights out etc. That's fine when kids are 5 but at 10 is stifling, controlling and totally over bearing parenting.

I do feel for your ds but unfortunately this level of friendship isn't sustainable as kids become different people as they mature.

Obviously Mia behaviour was unacceptable and cruel but maybe she was fed up with her mum and her mum's friend controlling her friendship group. Step back, focus on building new social opportunities for your ds and let Mia and her mum get on with their own lives. If Mia is behaving that badly now do you really want your ds dragged into it all anyway?

Girls between aged 10 and 14 are a total nightmare in the friendship front. They are always falling out with each other. It’s much less common with boys, perhaps because they are far less prone to noticing social cues or demanding social conformity. It’s unfortunate for your son that Mia has suddenly become a bit too worldly and decided that he isn’t her friend any more. It is even more unfortunate that it’s had such a negative impact on your friendship. I have managed to maintain a friendship with parents whose daughter clearly thinks my daughter was part of a cooler crowd who left her out. In truth, my daughter is just very good at being friends with everyone. We didn’t have the nasty words problem. But equally, my daughter can’t be expected to look after the shy child all the time. Tricky to navigate. They are at different secondary schools now and they get on perfectly well when we meet socially.

When my daughter started high school she kept telling me about a girl she really disliked. One day she came home and said that this girl had invited her to her house and I said "Oh, so I'm guessing you said no" She said "No, I said yes!!" She went and they have been good friends for close to 10 years! They are very different, but they get on.

On the flip side, the girl that she was best friends with for the first three years or so, suddenly decided she didn't want to be her best friend any more and left my daughter bereft! They are friends again now, but at the time, my daughter just couldn't understand it.

It goes on, it is part of life and they need to learn to deal with it. Just take time with your son to explain and help him move on x

As everyone else has said, it's normal, just build his resilience, help him develop different friendships, with other children he may now have more in common with. And explain that sometimes friendships s change, people grow apart and develop different friendships. That it's ok to have some time to feel sad about it, but that the only thing to do is move forward. Could be a good thing in the long run because he's still at an age where you can help him with new friends by organising play dates, which won't be the case in a couple of years.

I think what is odd in the OP is the direct reporting of the DS words, when OP wasn't there to hear them. This makes it sound a bit weird and fake. OP can't possibly know those were the words her DS used. Of course he may say they were, but it isn't necessarily right.

The girl sounds as if she has turned into a nasty bully. I think you need to accept the friendship is over no point in pretending otherwise. The mum hasn't dealt with it well. She sounds extremely childish and petty. Concentrate on developing new friendships.

The mistake you made was not going to the school first with the allegations that your son made and to get the schools opinion on the matter.

By going to his mum and saying 'Your daughter said X and Y', you immediately put her on the spot and embarrassed her and she may be one of those parents that cannot believe their child will ever do or say anything bad.

I also think it was a mistake to get so close with a family based on very young children being friends as inevitably as they get older they will fall out or change friendship groups as they develop different tastes and hobbies etc.

But it's over now, the girl sounds obnoxious and spoilt but is at least leaving your son alone.

You now know that the people you were friends with are just particularly nice so move on and find new friends.

This sounds inevitable to be honest. School mum friends are not always life long friends. Life moved on and friendships change..she hasn't behaved well but just put it behind you and move on.

A sudden switch like that, I’d actually wonder if something else is going on with Mia than thinking growing pains.